Lost and drifting

[Deleted member 541]

You know that medication isn’t the one size fits all and it isn’t the best way to go without a lot of back up in place. Ok, so you’re having a hard time in therapy. It sounds like this is your biggest issue. You seem stuck and can’t move forward. Do you journal? Can you write out things that are bothering you, pick them apart? Expose the feelings around them??

 

[anonymous]

You know that medication isn’t the one size fits all and it isn’t the best way to go without a lot of back up in place

I do, and with each trial, it becomes more obvious that it probably is not the answer, and at times, even makes things worse.

Ok, so you’re having a hard time in therapy. It sounds like this is your biggest issue. You seem stuck and can’t move forward.

Very very very much so. I am stuck and can't find a way forward. I very much want to be able to just do what he says and make connections and do controlled breathing and relaxation. I want to be able to have a linear and fluid conversation with him. I want to be a good patient and not resistant and not all of the bad things that bad patients do. I just freeze. I'm embarassed and dont know how or where to start. Thoughts are like a ping pong ball through my mind and never really settle long enough to go to completion.

I think this is where the thought that medication might help came in. They thought it might happen to calm me down long enough to engage and learn the CBT and relaxation skills to get me unstuck.

...but it didn't. And now the pdoc is frustrated and seemingly upset with me. The therapist hasn't said it, but I can only imagine he is equally as frustrated. God knows I am.

I am failing at therapy. Who fails at that?

Today I just want to curl up and sleep.

Do you journal? Can you write out things that are bothering you, pick them apart? Expose the feelings around them??

I dont do a lot of it. On occasion I write something in my private diary. I guess I am afraid somebody might find it.

I think I need to probably send him a list of things that might help me to engage with him or make me feel less like freezing. I don't know where to start though.

I also think I have to accept that the freeze response is my problem and not his. He simplay may not be able to help, and it is my fault for not being less fearful of the process. This is all my fault.

But I remain stuck...

 

[Deleted member 541]

Do you have a diary on this site???? If not, it’s a great place to start, because of the feedback that you’d get from other members. We all know what it’s like, and many have most likely gone through some of the same shit, so no shame involved about speaking it.

With your therapist, is there at all a way that you can pick just ONE small thing and bring that up in therapy???? You know therapist have heard it all, there isn't anything that they haven’t heard, so talking to him about things isn’t going to upset him, or make him judge you. They are there to help and yes, they do get frustrated when we can’t open up. They need us to open up so that they can help.... please try just ONE thing the next time and see how that goes. And a diary on here too....

It’s also not about being a good patient, it’s about you be8ng able to open up and him being able to help you. Nothing more, nothing less. This isn’t your fault either.........

 

[anonymous]

Do you have a diary on this site????

A private one only.

so talking to him about things isn’t going to upset him, or make him judge you.

I want to believe this but I still have this overwhelming fear he will quit.

 

[EveHarrington]

Klonopin can make depression worse.

Benzos in general can make ptsd worse.


So you’ve got anxiety and depression.

Can you list the meds you’ve tried?

 

[Deleted member 541]

He may actually quit because he either feels like he isn’t helping you, or because he feels that you’re wasting his time and yours because you’re not opening up, but not because of anything you might tell him.

 

[anonymous]

Can you list the meds you’ve tried

The list is long. Over many years (and for various reasons...many off label for a neurological condition... many PRN (for neurology stuff), and some PRN for anxiety. Most made me zombielike. All were discontinued except for the aforementioned ones.

Zoloft*$
Lexapro
Celexa
Cymbalta*$
Prozac
Serzone
Trazadone
Pamelor*
Buspar
Neurontin*
Xanex*$
Valium*
Klonopin*$
Clorazepate
Straterra
Effexor
Aptensio
Horizant*

* means it was given off label and not for a psychological condition.

*$ means I either took it twice (once for depression and/or anxiety and once off label for something else, or it had a dual purpose when prescribed.

 

[anonymous]

He may actually quit because he either feels like he isn’t helping you, or because he feels that you’...

I am actually freaking out about this possibility at the moment. I emailed him and asked if he was quitting too during my Thursday afternoon/Friday morning meltdown (or whatever that was). He said he would see me ar our next appointment...just like always.

My fear is that the answer will change. Hopefully it isn't our last.

 

[EveHarrington]

It looks like you’ve been on a number of different antidepressants....

Have you heard of genetic testing for determining which meds will possibly work better for you? It also tests for the MTHFR gene. If you have this gene, you can’t process folic acid, and it’s possible that your chances of having an antidepressant actually work for you could be as low as 6%. I have this gene and need to take a methyfolate supplement.

The test may be covered by insurance, if not I think it’s around $300. Definitely worth the full price!

Is there a reason why you haven’t tried any antipsychotics? They are powerful meds, but if you need them, you need them. I’m on a small dose of an antipsychotic myself (which helps me avoid the negative side effects).

 

[shatter eyes]

Sorry for the repitition and typos

No worries about that.
I think when we share out of burning desire to write it is more heart n soul...instead of brain brain wanting to edit.

To me typo and bad grammar can = RAW. The pure good stuff. Unedited. Uncut.