nettlefield
New Here
Hello all.
I'm a 20 year old female suffering from a range of mental/neurodevelopmental conditions. PTSD is not among them, so I'm afraid it might be inappropriate of me to post here, please do tell me or remove my post if it is. I truly don't wish to cause any harm or offense. What I am struggling with is trauma which has contributed to my being in a complete shut-down for the past several months. I'm struggling to function and struggling to find anywhere I can talk about these things. I've seen some posts by other undiagnosed members so I really hope it's okay.
The following got too long as I wrote it so I will fill in the least important parts with a different colour so you can skip past it as this will likely get too long to read.
<moderator edit to remove color & add quotes to differentiate content>
The worst part came some years later when I moved back to my birth country to live with my mother and her new partner. Again I struggled with the change and developed severe social anxiety. My relationship with my mother and stepfather went quickly downhill. My parents saw what we now know to be ASD/ADHD/anxiety behaviours without any intent whatsoever to annoy or disrupt as my being intentionally difficult and misbehaving. They started physical 'discipline' whenever we had a disagreement or whenever I was audibly or visibly upset. They seemed to lose control while doing this and would hit me hard numerous times on the back of the head until I felt completely stunned. If I audibly cried it would anger them and they would start again.
I felt like they had been possessed and waited for them to completely lose control. I felt that they hated me and wished I had not come back to live with them. That they would be happier if I were dead. Sometimes my mother would try to hug me after hitting me and be angry if I resisted. She would come in and out of my room, one time calm, another furious. I never knew which it would be. After one such episode I confronted her about it and she denied doing it. She called me a liar and various other names. She said that I was crazy and making things up. They told me that I was lucky to have them because any other parent would not be so tolerant of me and would punish me a lot worse. For some months I remember this happening almost every day. This stopped when I got my first referral to mental health services but went on for years on a less frequent basis. When it came to a point where they rarely hit me, I started harming myself in situations where they would previously have done so.
I wouldn't have dreamed of calling any of this 'trauma' until I went to therapy and my therapist gently brought me to see it as such. In my mind, I was just bad, deserved to die, and had gone through nothing as compared to everything else -- what I had gone through was all my own fault. But the fact is I only managed to tell my therapist about a quarter of the above. I could never bring myself to tell him about much of it, particularly my parents hitting me. I felt so ashamed and like I would be betraying them.
Early this year I attempted suicide having started on an antidepressant which made me lose all inhibitions and spiral completely out of control. I was in hospital for a few days and in absolute terror of going home once physically stable in fear that I would be 'taken over' again. Since then I have barely been able to function. I went through periods of genuinely believing that everyone, including my psychiatrists, wanted me to die. Of breaking down and sobbing in terror and desperation outside doctor's offices.
Medication made me able to sleep and eat and think again. But I can still barely go outside, leave my bed, or open the curtains. I want desperately to go back to study or work but rarely even manage to shower or brush my teeth. I feel like I'm a small child all over again, dependent on adults (still living with family, who are transformed people now), unable to manage my day or organise my tasks. I feel I need complete guidance (which of course I can't get) in everything I do because the part of me which guides me through my day and tells me what to do and how is gone completely.
I've been on waiting lists for more therapy for months and don't know how much longer it will take to come through. It could be a year; they suggested it would be some more months at least.
Am I alone? I'm searching desperately for answers. I know this probably isn't the right forum but I've searched so long and still not managed to find any place where I can be open and people will understand. I'm sorry if this is the wrong thing to do. I'm sending love to you all and hoping that it's okay for me to be here for a little while.
I'm a 20 year old female suffering from a range of mental/neurodevelopmental conditions. PTSD is not among them, so I'm afraid it might be inappropriate of me to post here, please do tell me or remove my post if it is. I truly don't wish to cause any harm or offense. What I am struggling with is trauma which has contributed to my being in a complete shut-down for the past several months. I'm struggling to function and struggling to find anywhere I can talk about these things. I've seen some posts by other undiagnosed members so I really hope it's okay.
The following got too long as I wrote it so I will fill in the least important parts with a different colour so you can skip past it as this will likely get too long to read.
<moderator edit to remove color & add quotes to differentiate content>
The worst part came some years later when I moved back to my birth country to live with my mother and her new partner. Again I struggled with the change and developed severe social anxiety. My relationship with my mother and stepfather went quickly downhill. My parents saw what we now know to be ASD/ADHD/anxiety behaviours without any intent whatsoever to annoy or disrupt as my being intentionally difficult and misbehaving. They started physical 'discipline' whenever we had a disagreement or whenever I was audibly or visibly upset. They seemed to lose control while doing this and would hit me hard numerous times on the back of the head until I felt completely stunned. If I audibly cried it would anger them and they would start again.
I felt like they had been possessed and waited for them to completely lose control. I felt that they hated me and wished I had not come back to live with them. That they would be happier if I were dead. Sometimes my mother would try to hug me after hitting me and be angry if I resisted. She would come in and out of my room, one time calm, another furious. I never knew which it would be. After one such episode I confronted her about it and she denied doing it. She called me a liar and various other names. She said that I was crazy and making things up. They told me that I was lucky to have them because any other parent would not be so tolerant of me and would punish me a lot worse. For some months I remember this happening almost every day. This stopped when I got my first referral to mental health services but went on for years on a less frequent basis. When it came to a point where they rarely hit me, I started harming myself in situations where they would previously have done so.
I wouldn't have dreamed of calling any of this 'trauma' until I went to therapy and my therapist gently brought me to see it as such. In my mind, I was just bad, deserved to die, and had gone through nothing as compared to everything else -- what I had gone through was all my own fault. But the fact is I only managed to tell my therapist about a quarter of the above. I could never bring myself to tell him about much of it, particularly my parents hitting me. I felt so ashamed and like I would be betraying them.
Early this year I attempted suicide having started on an antidepressant which made me lose all inhibitions and spiral completely out of control. I was in hospital for a few days and in absolute terror of going home once physically stable in fear that I would be 'taken over' again. Since then I have barely been able to function. I went through periods of genuinely believing that everyone, including my psychiatrists, wanted me to die. Of breaking down and sobbing in terror and desperation outside doctor's offices.
Medication made me able to sleep and eat and think again. But I can still barely go outside, leave my bed, or open the curtains. I want desperately to go back to study or work but rarely even manage to shower or brush my teeth. I feel like I'm a small child all over again, dependent on adults (still living with family, who are transformed people now), unable to manage my day or organise my tasks. I feel I need complete guidance (which of course I can't get) in everything I do because the part of me which guides me through my day and tells me what to do and how is gone completely.
I've been on waiting lists for more therapy for months and don't know how much longer it will take to come through. It could be a year; they suggested it would be some more months at least.
Am I alone? I'm searching desperately for answers. I know this probably isn't the right forum but I've searched so long and still not managed to find any place where I can be open and people will understand. I'm sorry if this is the wrong thing to do. I'm sending love to you all and hoping that it's okay for me to be here for a little while.
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