Lost In My Own Way

[Boomer]

I was a SGT in the U.S. ARMY, I served as an Airborne Infantryman in the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat team, 1/503 Attack Co. I was deployed to "the Stan" in OEF 7&8. I've seen it all, been there done that, now I am just having a very hard time coping and finding a new way. I was Medically retired about 18 months ago for physical injuries i suffered in Afghanistan, I have also been diagnosed with PTSD. Im currently getting 80% disability.

I don't know if this is just a cry for help or what but I am falling off the wagon again.... It almost killed me last time. I am down to two emotions, very depressed, and angry. I have and 19 month old son, who most days is just the only thing that keeps me going. My wife and I cant get on the same page with anything. That is a whole other bag of issues. The VA is just making things worse, every-time I go in I get a new counselor, and have to start over. It brings everything back up. Meds don't work at all. I have always been a good person, and the definition of Integrity. Everyday I contemplate leaving, My son would not stand a chance in this world. I just want to pack a ruck, grab the rifle, and start walking to Alaska. (Knowing full well I would never make it). I just want the entire world to leave me alone at this point. I understand that I will never be the same, but i just want to be happy. It seems impossible. I never leave my house. The only friends I have were guys from my squad, whom are scattered across the country. I have isolated myself from the world and it still isn't enough. I don't know where I am going with this, but thanks for spending the time to read it. SGT Boomer OUT!
P.S. I apologize for my rambling

 

[Ted Moen]

Hey Boomer, I remember that feeling. In 1970, after a year of trying to be something I once thought I should be, I sold our home, sent my pregnant wife back to her mother, and wandered up to the Lesser Slave Lake in Northern Alberta to live in the woods. It was very peaceful. Thing is, once I was up there for a while and away from the stressors and stuff, my focus shifted to abandoning my unborn son. I had to return and get a job and reestablish a relationship with my wife. Of course, getting a job wasn't easy since I had pretty much burned my bridges on the way out, and reestablished relationships tended to be tentative at best.

The thing is you are a good person with PTSD. The stressors and triggers in your current environment will get your PTSD symptoms going, and if you act on the intense feelings they generate behavior that is not in your own best interest in your current situation and you will feel an intense need to leave. The result will be the loss of something that might have been. When you start over it will be demanding, but because you are a good person you will succeed and when you do begin to succeed the stressors and triggers in your new current environment will once again get going, and when you act on the intence feelings ....

Because you are a good person, you will keep trying. The cycle will repeat.

At least it did for me. It repeated until I actually began to participate in therapy (there is a huge difference between going to therapy and participating in therapy) and, with therapeutic support, began learning to stay in my current situation and behave the way I should even though the intense feelings were raging in my mind. I began the process of learning to live a little better in my current situation each day with my PTSD symptoms raging.

Take good care.

Ted

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome Boomer, I agree with Ted. PTSD does go in a viscous cycle, but it gets better and better each time.
Imagine when you first learn to surf. You spend more time in the water than on. But in the end you can stand up almost every time, but you are never fooled. Occasionally you get dumped. And even the pro surfers cut themselves up on a reef from time to time.

PTSD is just like that. You start having mostly bad days with the occasional good one. But with consistent therapy and the right type of therapy and the right type of medication you will eventually start having more good days than bad. The problem though is that sometimes we lead ourselves into a false sense of security and might be on a really good run which can last months then wham!!!! something will trigger a deep down memory and a downward spiral will happen. You can get back up and keep on walking though.

You have to grab on to something. Maybe your son.

I lost my career and my wife in 08 after a downward spiral on return from Iraq. I had a great future planned at the time and was a newly promoted Warrant Officer Class 2 here in Australia. I did not want to exist anymore.
I had nothing so turned to self medicating on pills and alcohol then pot.

I ended up surviving for my son who is 14 years old now and chose to live with me. I have a new fiance and at the moment life is quite good.

I still have really bad days even though my life seems reasonable. I am classed as 100% through the DVA with PTSD, Depression and recently having two discs replaced in my back. When those days happen I just think of my son and grandson.

You sound like a good person mate. You say medication does not work, well in my opinion you just might not have found the right medication. I searched for months chopping and changing until I found the right combination and I could safely say the same with a lot of the veterans on here. The same with therapy. Sometimes you have to search for a good one of those too. Maybe outside of the VA. There have to be heaps of therapists now with the amount of veterans returning. My therapist just retired and now I will have to find a new one.

As for rambling, that is what this place is for. Its a safe place where any veteran with PTSD can come and talk, read, or even offer an opinion.

Good luck with the road ahead mate and if you have any questions, just ask

Jimmy

 

[Boomer]

Ted and Jimmy, Thanks very much for replying, I honestly didn't think anyone would. Its hard to talk to non-vets, and really anyone from my neck of the woods. I know it is entirely my fault, because I don't give anybody the chance to understand. I felt a lot better after I had written all of that. You know I have been doing very well until recently. I am not sure what all of my triggers are, it seems as though everything goes downhill all at the same time. (Examples: This was the first week of hunting season, that could easily be a trigger, however last weekend some kids vandalized the front of our house and destroyed all the Halloween decorations my wife worked very hard on. I pulled guard on my house the next two night, and I wanted the punk kids to come back.) Does anyone have trouble staying focused on things? This never goes away for me. I can get into a project and no matter if i am enjoying it, I will always get sidetracked and be onto the next thing. Is that normal? I also have issue committing to anything long term. I've been putting off going to college (which I know would help this family a ton.) I don't know why I wont commit to it, I don't know if i am not confident in myself or what.

About 6 months Post deployment I was stationed in Italy, All my battle buddies had moved on to new stations, I couldn't afford to have my wife with me. I was self medicating with alcohol a lot and thats when I got really bad. So my father eventually talked me into going to counseling, and it was great. I had a great counselor, looked forward to going everyday, I had stopped drinking (which I think helped the most), and they had me trying out meds. Eventually we found the right ones that seemed to work well. Then I PCS'd, and moved to Fort Benning, the ARMY took me out of my comfort zone. I was suppose to be an instructor at Airborne school, instead they had me as an instructor for Bradley tanks. I was a paratrooper, not a mech guy, I still to this day know nothing about tanks. Anyway my new therapist changed up my meds, because he knew better than my last counselor. It screwed everything up, and no matter how much I asked him to change them back, I had never got my wish. So I stopped taking them all together. Now the VA will give me anything I ask for. I could ask for any pill in the book and no questions asked here you go. I just seems like i had the perfect set up to start with and nothing will ever live up to those expectations. The other thing that really gets me going is that i cannot find a therapist that speaks "decent english" to save my life. I try to be polite every-time I ask for a new therapist and they always understand, then blow me off, and I end up with some zipper head or camel jockey that I cant understand. I am sure they are very good at what they do, but Its not comfortable for me. I apologize if i offended anyone there.

Well Thanks Again guys, Boomer...

 

[Jimmy1]

I am not sure what all of my triggers are, it seems as though everything goes downhill all at the same time. (Examples: This was the first week of hunting season, that could easily be a trigger, however last weekend some kids vandalized the front of our house and destroyed all the Halloween decorations my wife worked very hard on. I pulled guard on my house the next two night, and I wanted the punk kids to come back.) Does anyone have trouble staying focused on things? This never goes away for me. I can get into a project and no matter if i am enjoying it, I will always get sidetracked and be onto the next thing. Is that normal? I also have issue committing to anything long term. I've been putting off going to college (which I know would help this family a ton.) I don't know why I wont commit to it, I don't know if i am not confident in myself or what.

Hey Boomer, for starters, sorry if some of these answers are long, but I will do my best to explain. Sometimes its not a particular trigger. Have your read this article by Anthony. He is the man who created this great site.

Link Removed

Once you read the article, unless you already know about it, it talks about good stress and bad stress, and then how PTSD amplifies some things. So, it could be a whole range of things that add to your stress levels. The kids vandalizing the decorations, hunting season, are just a couple, eventually your 'Stress Cup' as explained in the document is close to overflowing and something small like someone cutting you off in traffic is enough to boil you over. Its all normal. The trick is learning how to calm yourself down and recognizing when the levels are up, and that is only something you can work on with a decent counselor. And finding a good counselor can take a long time.

Have you checked around the veteran centres in your area if you have any, they should be able to help you find the right counselor. As for medication, if you think the ones you were taking in Italy were working find someone to prescribe them, because in my opinion, unless you have worked through all your traumas, you may need help to keep the levels down.

With regards to staying focused, this unfortunately is another of the many, many symptoms attached to PTSD. Being military, we are used to multi-tasking and being able to complete a list a mile long.
Well your whole mental composition has been rewired now mate. I used to write down a list of a hundred things to do then beat myself up when I did not achieve the list. My therapist taught me to have a big list to one side and a 'Today' list on the other. On the today list just write two or three things. Do you understand??
Some days I really struggle just to do the basics mate, so your not alone. It will get better buddy, but you have to work on it like anything else.

My last thought would be to have your wife read through the understanding PTSD document. It might help her understand a bit more of what your going through.

Just remember your son. He is worth fighting for.

Cheers mate, anymore questions, ask away

Jimmy

 

[Boomer]

Thanks Jimmy, I checked out the document it really does put an explain some things. Maybe hunting isn't a trigger for me, my stress cup may have just been getting a little full. I wish there was a stress cup sink so I could dump all this crap out. How do you get rid of your stress? I think I need to get a hobby.

I live out in the middle of nowhere, and it takes me just over an hour to get to the VA. So the very few days I do go out to the city are very stressful on me. My family is always trying to get me to go to counseling, and I always say that it makes me worse. I always come home more pissed off than when I had left. So maybe I am running from it, I don't know.

I understand your list idea, and I will give it a try.

Thanks again Jimmy

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate I think everyone comes home from therapy a little rattled, otherwise it wouldn't be working. It also depends on what therapy you are doing. Are you also learning how to ground yourself when anxious and how to lower your stress levels by deep diaphragmatic breathing.

As for living in the booneys, that is what we wish for once the children have grown up and left home.

Hobbies are good, but something you can do. I tried building model aeroplanes, they ended up flying into fences through my anger. A lot of veterans turn to woodwork or volunteer for the community. You will find your niche with everything one day. Hope your wife can read that document and understand a bit more too.

 

[Ned]

Hello Boomer. Where I live in the UK is on the edge of town and the sound of shooting doesn't bother me either, it's part of every day. For a hobby, one of the other guys on this site said fishing. And I had a bit of a 'Doh!' moment.
Very relaxing, can be as technical as you want it to be, have you got decent water near by?
Walking (OK, almost tabbing) works for me, too, if your injuries let you.
Losing focus on things seems pretty standard. I manage (usually) by walking away from the task before I get pissed off with it, then coming back later. Saves a lot of cock-ups due to tunnel vision, that does.
Jimmy and Ted are right. You will learn to live with it. It's always a pain in the arse but you can live with it.

 

[Boomer]

Ned, Ted, and Jimmy: You guys F**king rock. Thanks again for the help. I don't think I am in the position to offer any type of help or advice, but if ya'll need me I am here for support. Yes, I am pretty close to very nice fishing spot. That is a (Doh!) moment. I don't think that I always think clearly. Sometimes the obvious just needs to be brought to my attention. I downloaded the document yesterday, so my wife will read it. Thanks brothers!

 

[Ned]

Sometimes the obvious just needs to be brought to my attention.

A few years ago I was on FTX with 13/18 Hussars at BATUS (Zipperhead's stomping ground).
The bright young things in the turrets were giving TI's relating to 'the obvious high ground ahead'.
On net comes the Sqn OC - 'NOTHING is bloody obvious! Full Target Indications you tossers!'.
Glad to give a full TI, mate :tup: