I have losts parts of myself from my past, that I know still affect me and I do not know what to do. Do I let it go now, I have been fighting with the currently counselor who I have been seeing for the past 3.5 years for the past 6 weeks, The counselling room turned int a room that I dreaded and was unbearable. She saw me as stronger than parts of me actually are and now I just want to end counselling and I really do not want to feel the feelings from that room anymore.
I have had therapy on and off for over 20 years, one was actually abusive and I had to take them to the human rights commision to get them strucken off. Turns out they were never regsitered to begin with inspite of operating in semi-official places. Anyway I have been unable to reclaim "real" memories of the sexual abuse from my father.
I remember all the violence, him trying to kill me, strangle me, etc... etc... I remember feeling very frightened when he would walk around the house half naked with a disgusting white singlet that owuldn't cover his private parts.... so I would hide and felt my life was in danger. I hid inside a stinky washing basket at the bottom so never to be found and I knew my elder sister was going instead. But I do not have any visual memories of it happening to me from him, only flashes of scenes from my older brother and some nasty cruel shit my sister did. I have done 20 years on and off of highly emotional trauma therapy, experiencing the Full range of emotions, esspecially rage, but also sobbing for almost 2 years! and I have recovered many parts of me and dveloped my own sense of who I am as a person, but for thes missing pieces.
It has caused me to persist in this feeling of "being broken" and its... well I don't know what to do, either to continue to try and persue in counselling when I felt my mind was snapping and I was going to loose my will to live completely.
Part of my challenge was one of the biggest trauma events for me was when aged 12 I was locked in a room after I was thrown around by my hair into a mirror (landed on my nose) and broke it. After being left to suffer alone, (no medical help) my sister came to visit, he covered my face in a flannel, she cried which I resented her, as she could set him off and she didn't have to stay, we were stuck there (me and my little brother). She left - and didn't call the cops - just left us therey. He took me into his room and I have huge blanks for the next month. I just remember leaving my mind and going off to play with the wombles in Lochness in an imaginary world. I snuck out of bed one day to check my face in the mirror and didn't recognise myself, I was broken, I wasn't me my world felt over.
He never got medical help,. he threatedned my life many times including stranging me and taking me to a rubbish dump one day across Glasgow to this aboandoned building site,all the way there he said that "He wans't really my father anyway so it didn't matter".that he planned to end my life. when I got there everything felt like those special effects on TV zooming in and out, I think I fainted, I can't remember getting home. Me and my brother were sure he was the child ax murder on the news, he was our father, he fed us (sometimes) and yet he wanted to kill us 50% of the time as well, I battled for suirvival. How Can I now find the missing pieces from my childhood and that room.
I have conflicting beliefs, I wasn't sexiually abused by him, and other parts feel I definately was.
I knew at age 5 to stay the HELL away from wierdos and creeps (including him when he wore his singlet) but I guess I separated him from the "loving version" of the father I clung to for survival.
I would leave it all, and partt of me kind of does weant to leave it, but I am unable to even contemplate being in relationships. the idea of someone hitting on me makes me veyr angry and there is obviously a lot going on in this arena that will trip me up out there. I am so pissed off s I have spent 20 fricken years trying to "get well" and "do the work" but I just can't find these pieces.
I have had therapy on and off for over 20 years, one was actually abusive and I had to take them to the human rights commision to get them strucken off. Turns out they were never regsitered to begin with inspite of operating in semi-official places. Anyway I have been unable to reclaim "real" memories of the sexual abuse from my father.
I remember all the violence, him trying to kill me, strangle me, etc... etc... I remember feeling very frightened when he would walk around the house half naked with a disgusting white singlet that owuldn't cover his private parts.... so I would hide and felt my life was in danger. I hid inside a stinky washing basket at the bottom so never to be found and I knew my elder sister was going instead. But I do not have any visual memories of it happening to me from him, only flashes of scenes from my older brother and some nasty cruel shit my sister did. I have done 20 years on and off of highly emotional trauma therapy, experiencing the Full range of emotions, esspecially rage, but also sobbing for almost 2 years! and I have recovered many parts of me and dveloped my own sense of who I am as a person, but for thes missing pieces.
It has caused me to persist in this feeling of "being broken" and its... well I don't know what to do, either to continue to try and persue in counselling when I felt my mind was snapping and I was going to loose my will to live completely.
Part of my challenge was one of the biggest trauma events for me was when aged 12 I was locked in a room after I was thrown around by my hair into a mirror (landed on my nose) and broke it. After being left to suffer alone, (no medical help) my sister came to visit, he covered my face in a flannel, she cried which I resented her, as she could set him off and she didn't have to stay, we were stuck there (me and my little brother). She left - and didn't call the cops - just left us therey. He took me into his room and I have huge blanks for the next month. I just remember leaving my mind and going off to play with the wombles in Lochness in an imaginary world. I snuck out of bed one day to check my face in the mirror and didn't recognise myself, I was broken, I wasn't me my world felt over.
He never got medical help,. he threatedned my life many times including stranging me and taking me to a rubbish dump one day across Glasgow to this aboandoned building site,all the way there he said that "He wans't really my father anyway so it didn't matter".that he planned to end my life. when I got there everything felt like those special effects on TV zooming in and out, I think I fainted, I can't remember getting home. Me and my brother were sure he was the child ax murder on the news, he was our father, he fed us (sometimes) and yet he wanted to kill us 50% of the time as well, I battled for suirvival. How Can I now find the missing pieces from my childhood and that room.
I have conflicting beliefs, I wasn't sexiually abused by him, and other parts feel I definately was.
I knew at age 5 to stay the HELL away from wierdos and creeps (including him when he wore his singlet) but I guess I separated him from the "loving version" of the father I clung to for survival.
I would leave it all, and partt of me kind of does weant to leave it, but I am unable to even contemplate being in relationships. the idea of someone hitting on me makes me veyr angry and there is obviously a lot going on in this arena that will trip me up out there. I am so pissed off s I have spent 20 fricken years trying to "get well" and "do the work" but I just can't find these pieces.
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