Love

[FMG]

I suppose just being in medicine keeps me safer from the general variety of insanity. I mean work always comes first there is no real way to argue from the standpoint of work comes second when other people rely on your work to live right?

Its hard to understand other PTSD sufferers even coming from our own standpoints. I am in medicine and I know how difficult it is to understand and that I recognise most of therapy is just "talking about things to someone who is willing to listen and nod along".

The thing is I remember what I was like before I got it. I want that same life back. So I try and see how far I can go with crowds before it sickens me. Its less agoraphobia and more "WTF? Are people really this shallow and self absorbed with their lives?". Then I go sit by myself and then after a while wish deeply that I could be exactly like the people who I hate since they seem content and happy while I am for all intents and purposes alone.

I suppose again its age and a medical background. Willing to go out and be social is hard but not doing so is dangerous to someone who is younger. I had to pretend a lot for other relationships, I suppose that may be the attraction. If one person truly accepts you for the way you are then you really fixate on them.

 

[Jimmy1]

FMG,

I beg to differ on a few points, however, agree at the same time.

Its hard to understand other PTSD sufferers even coming from our own standpoints. I am in medicine and I know how difficult it is to understand and that I recognise most of therapy is just "talking about things to someone who is willing to listen and nod along".

I feel that PTSD sufferers, mainly Combat PTSD sufferers do understand each other a lot more. We have all seen the same destruction and been in similar life threatening situations. The main point I want to bring to the table is that we don't necessarily understand the person, but more the disorder and the underlying symptoms. I would rather talk to a fellow PTSD sufferer than to someone with no knowledge at all, just as long as it did not trigger them.
At least they can empathise with us.

The thing is I remember what I was like before I got it. I want that same life back. So I try and see how far I can go with crowds before it sickens me. Its less agoraphobia and more "WTF? Are people really this shallow and self absorbed with their lives?". Then I go sit by myself and then after a while wish deeply that I could be exactly like the people who I hate since they seem content and happy while I am for all intents and purposes alone.

I think we all want our lives back the way they were, however, there are parts of me that I have just discovered that I like. I think people out there are shallow and self absorbed because they know no different. Put them in our shoes and they would be different. As for them seeming happy and content, in a way I find it challenging to my mind. People have always told me happiness comes from within. Well it would have to.
I have seen people here in Australia, and in other less fortunate countries that have nothing. They struggle from day to day to just survive, yet they seem like the happiest people on the planet. Yet there are others that have everything and are miserable.

I personally am working through that one now. I have a nice place, a lot of nice material things, and most importantly I have my son living with me, yet I find very few things to smile about. I would rather go about making other people happy and not care about myself.

You do raise some very valid points though and thank you for your comments.
:)

 

[FMG]

There is no such thing as an invalid point. Unless you have a wonky compass :)

Ah, I am just starting out with a job so currently at the work daily and get paid crap stage. Doing clinical rotations in medicine. I suppose not having the material things just makes me want to have them so I can rule that out as a reason I am unhappy. Think of it as a tick list of success that I want. I suppose the logic is "If I can tick all the boxes then I would have no reason to be unhappy".

I think what I meant is that everyone's slightly different. Hence no one's PTSD is the same exactly since triggers. Oh I know people from less fortunate places who are happy despite the horrible things. I also know people who have everything and are unhappy (They infuriate me for said reasons of jealousy.)

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey FMG,

I did not mean it to come across like that. You do make very valid points.

You are right, there are people out there that have everything and still complain.
I would give away everything if someone could give me a magic pill and give me my body and my mind back. But because there isn't one, I will just have to take it as it comes and make the best of it.

Having friends like you can only aid me as the other thing I have noticed is that people with Combat PTSD generally tell it like it is.

James:D

P.S. I have had a wonky compass in my head for the last quite a few years

 

[anthony]

I suppose my problem goes a bit deeper... ...My first wife had a four year affair with a close friend of the family... ...My second wife, I don't blame her, also went elsewhere because she could not handle my anger and verbal abuse.

Ok... trust. First things first. Read the above with all the other stuff cut out, and who owns what? Your first wife owns that she cheated, not you. The second wife... she owns her cheating, not you.

What you own is your anger and your actions. You do not control another, nor are you responsible for what another adult does. It is like a man going elsewhere because his wife isn't putting out. Is it her fault or his that he screwed around? Obviously there is a problem, and sex is part of a relationship, so she owns the aspect of removing something that is part of a relationship, but she didn't make you cheat. I ask guys this when they raise it... and only one ever went through a process of therapy, relationship counselling, etc... really tried to improve their relationship as a couple and it failed as a whole still... the others, piss poor excuses.

You are not responsible for your wives cheating... you are only responsible for your part (ie. anger, rage, emotional abuse), not theirs.

I have had three other, what you would call serious relationships. One was an English girl who I found out later was just chasing citizenship. Another was a compulsive liar and thief, and the third was a chronic alcoholic.

Most people have shitty relationships... usually an essential part of life in order to know what you are looking for and when you actually find it. Again though, not your fault what they do.... they own that shit, not you.

So you can see, I have major trust issues to start with and don't want to bring anyone into my life, because of my son.

Ok... yes, you have a child to protect, but that doesn't mean you stop living your life either. When you stop living your life and live around your children, that is when you totally screw your life up and place it on a destructive path for the near future... resentment come to mind. A balanced approach is the key to any relationship.

We have talked about PTSD but she does not really want to know. She just says 'My sister had it and lived with me for a while so I understand'. But she doesn't.

Well... here's the thing. You have PTSD and she has to make a choice... accept you have this and its not going anywhere, or ignore the fact which really means your wasting your time with this relationship, because she isn't listening to you at all, nor does she accept this is part of you.

You are responsible for you and PTSD is not an excuse, but it is real and when in a relationship it does have an impact at times. Having PTSD is not an excuse to yell, rant or rave at anyone, to lose your temper and so forth... all within your control actually. But you do need to manage your stress levels, exposure to stressors, etc.

So if you treat a loved one piss poorly, then you have to make a decision to stop doing what you are doing and actively change because its what you want. Some people don't really want to change, so they don't. Either way is acceptable, as long as you accept what you truly want.

A very good mate of mine, Rackers, he was my SGT when I was a digger, looked out for me in our trade as I progressed... became a really good mate over the years.... he has PTSD from Timor but he is destructive because he is happy to drink, smoke, behave poorly, etc. Had multiple heart attacks and is only just over 40. All from the stress of PTSD. Last time I seen him he was still partying, still drinking heavy, smoking heavy, treating women like shit and so on... but I couldn't continue catching up with him because I wanted a different life, a better life, a healthier life. He is not wrong because that is what he wants... I just wanted something different and couldn't include anyone destructive within my life otherwise I become destructive, stressed, ill, etc. All choices.... you own what you do, others own what they do. Never do you own what another does though.

My other main problem is that I don't trust my own emotions. I think I love her, and love being with her, but sometimes I just end up being frustrated.

Well, only you know what you feel... and that is up to you to work out. If the only issue is her non-acceptance of PTSD, then maybe relationship counselling with someone who knows PTSD, or even better, she spends some alone sessions with your therapist, so she can give your girlfriend the truth of the situation, especially being a PTSD specialist that she is.

I just want to feel wanted and accepted for who I am.

This is something you control to a point, by who you include in your life and around you. Who we surround ourselves with in life often help to define us. Have supportive friends and you usually have long friendships and a better life. Have no friends or destructive friends, your life will mimic or change to a similar nature.

but it is better when it comes from a fellow sufferer and someone who has been there, rather than from a book or someone paid to give information.

Some of those people you have access to in Townsville... you are extremely lucky and absolutely stupid if you are not using them to your to benefit you. That is what they are their for... to help people like you. The only thing I miss about Townsville is that I no longer have such access to PTSD experts near any time needed. That facility where they do the course, was always open to any of us to just drop in and chat with others on the current course or the staff. Those people are some of the most knowledgeable people on PTSD in Australia, even the world. The only thing they truly lack is having PTSD itself.

I am close to having that level of knowledge, except I have the experience of PTSD; but I don't have the years of experience in diverse aspects of therapy they have, relationships, etc. Use the resources you have around you... trust me on that.

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, I agree with everything you said.

I have made a lot of decisions in the last two years which have greatly affected my life for the better. But some things like relationships, maybe I am just a bit cautious.

I am close to having that level of knowledge, except I have the experience of PTSD; but I don't have the years of experience in diverse aspects of therapy they have

.

I think you would of be of benefit to the Mater PTSD program and think you would make a great success story, even though a lot of it is through your own willpower and learning.

I do use the resources and have changed immensely from two years ago, or so I have been told. And I want to change.

With regards to the relationship I have with my girlfriend, what I am concerned about is, if she is not willing to change or make an effort to understand, do I cut her away so to speak and have nothing, or just plod along and take what I can get???

 

[Jimmy1]

I suppose at the moment my 'iceberg of emotions' is just suffering from global warming.

 

[anthony]

With regards to the relationship I have with my girlfriend, what I am concerned about is, if she is not willing to change or make an effort to understand, do I cut her away so to speak and have nothing, or just plod along and take what I can get???

That is not something I believe anyone could accurately advise you upon... only you know the entire situation and if you look at all the facts, your feelings, the situation as a whole, I am sure you will make the right decision for you. I could get into right and wrong, but that all goes out the door when you talk feelings.

The only person you could truly discuss this with, is your girlfriend. She will give you the answers you need to make an informed decision that is right for you.

 

[FMG]

The worst thing about my current situation is that the woman in question is in a relationship. Its utterly heart rending to the point I have banned myself from facebook because it posts pictures of her and him. And the worst bit is that I cannot even accept that "I lost" because in my mind I have given up so much and asked so little. That I finally have drawn the line over something that I want to fight for. I don't think I can be happy without her and daily life keeps proving that even when I give other people the chance they manage to blow it spectacularly.

I was dating a girl who I used to teach medicine when I was a TA in uni in my final years. Until she started stealing my meds. I didn't realise it and thought I lost a couple of doses a week but it turns out she was dating me to get to them.

I am so mad and so lonely courtesy of idiots. I try my level best to be open and friendly and not fall into the trap of PTSD loneliness and people do this. and the worst thing is I still want the "One" person who really stood by me when I was half dead, when I was stumbling around on splints learning to walk again and when I finished medical school. I can bury myself in work and other people's tragedy all I want but when I sleep it turns into this.

Sigh. Its cathartic to write here.

 

[anthony]

I can get how that hurts... been hurt in plenty of relationships. I wonder though whether what you are thinking, feeling, is overall healthy for you? Because you dated someone who used you, doesn't mean all people are like this. The one you state you want to be with, the facts though is that she doesn't want to be with you, otherwise she wouldn't be with another right now. It seems more like you have a relationship of dependence upon this other person than mutual love. She was the one who helped you through a bad time in your life, and from my understanding, that is pretty normal to form attachments to such people. But is that attachment healthy or not? She is with another... and that speaks louder than any words.

Does it mean you have to not want her? Well... no, though if it turns into an unhealthy obsession which when your having dreams about being with her... then maybe that is moving into unhealthy territory. You're avoiding FaceBook because it hurts you to see her with another person, and that is very normal and healthy. Your feelings are as valid as another's. The problem... she doesn't want to be with you, which is her actions.

Its like an affair. The person sleeping with both, whether male or female, loves one as they want to be with them, but needs another for sex, intimacy, something they want but can't get from their relationship. The make promises of leaving their spouse for the other to keep them around as emotions build, but the facts are usually they have no intention of leaving their relationship, because the third person is just to fill a gap, not to fill their entire relationship. The proof a majority of times will reflect the affair being left in the dark... as actions speak louder than anything else, by being with who they want to be with the majority of the time.

Yes... you will experience some bad relationships, but the best thing is to just keep going through them until you find the person that wants you as much as you want them, they treat you as you treat them, they respect you as you respect them. That is the great thing today about dating sites like eharmony and such... they go beyond what the typical dating BS sites present, and use prescreening methods, actual data to help find relevant matches based on yourself... then you can just wait to trip over the right person also.

 

[Jimmy1]

FMG, I had to google 'cathartic' to find out what it meant. :eek:

There is an old saying 'once bitten, twice shy', well I have been bitten numerous times now.
My second wife was my whole world and up until recently I found myself comparing every girl I went out with to her. The worst part was I was finding all their bad points and not the good ones. Its a trust issue with me though, and I was constantly saying to myself 'wait for it'.

I am finally starting to realise that my current girl loves me for me. I am the one with all the issues and quiet worried that I will do the walking away because she does not measure up. Women.

Jimmy

 

[FMG]

The lady in question lives halfway across the world. I currently work in South Asia as a doctor for a charity. It keeps me happy on the basis of "can't whine when someone is worse off than you". Man with no feet and what have you.

She wanted to come for a while but I told her to stay and finish her degree. Sigh. Its complicated.

Yes I know its not healthy but that is the very problem. I have tried being rational and irrational about it. I for the love of me cannot figure out why I am so obsessed with this. I spent one week with her and it was the most amazing week of my life. I slept properly. I ate properly. I wanted to go outside. My back and leg hurt less. I didn't have nightmares. I even blew a balloon up for a child (I am scared off balloons because when they pop they cause a flashback) rather than try and get someone else to do it. I smiled genuinely and laughed. I didn't have to walk around with a rictus grin for the sake of everyone else because "quiet staring man with no expressions" = scary.

I want that again and no one else makes me feel like that. She knows that too. Its worse than being shot, because you can take drugs to kill the pain. This is utterly horrible because unless your sat in the middle of someone else's personal hell, you can't help but feeling sorry for yourself.

Maybe in time the feeling will die, but its been two years of this day in and day out. Every 3 to 4 days she sends me an email and I cheer up for a day or so then the feeling comes back. I tried cutting off from her and I just couldn't stay away. Three weeks and I recontacted her again. And its both ways too, she has tried to stop contacting me and after a week just does it again. Its both of us. We rely on each other to be normal.

No one seems to have an answer. But is it wrong to demand to be happy when you know what you want?