Relationship Loving Someone Who Has Ptsd

[nikkiv11]

My wife has PTSD. She didn't get diagnosed until we were already in our relationship for 2 years. It was a big change. I need advice on how people live with their spouse who suffers from it. I am new to PTSD, but I have learned some things.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm sorry nobody answered you. I've said this over and over. Get this book. It's a game changer.

 

[sillymoo]

My partner has PTSD. He didn't get diagnosed until we were 4 years into the relationship. I feel it has affected our relationship and I'm struggling to cope and I need advice on how people live with their spouse who suffers from it. I am new to PTSD. I would like to just understand.... I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[Tilly]

I've been in a relationship for around 6 months with someone who has PTSD. Before meeting my beloved I had hugely underestimated PTSD. I've never met anyone with it before so it's all completely new to me. He suffers very badly with it, doesn't want any help and is quite stubborn with it to be honest. I have to accept this and understand he will seek help (praying to god) in his own time. I too feel like I am walking on egg shells, it feels that way because there feelings are so sensitive and your scared to trigger them or hurt them which can happen very easily. My advice (I've only started recently properly delving in to PTSD and trying to understand it) is to have a really good read through this amazing website, do as much research as you can into PTSD, you will find others who are in the same boat (as myself) and you won't feel so alone. I'll be honest, since accidentally stumbling across this website I've felt as if I have been saved! All the strange hurtful behavior my partner has been expressing is no longer alien to me, I have sat here before now wondering what the hell he is going on about? Why would he say that? His feelings aren't making sense to me!... BUT as I slowly start to try to understand PTSD the more my partner is making sense to me. I used to take things so personal and some arguments and behavior absolutely broke my heart, but they don't as much anymore :) he is just not too well at the moment. I'm not unfamiliar with mental health, my mum has been sectioned in the past and suffers with sever depression and psychosis so if I can try to understand that I hope I can learn to understand PTSD. Patience, self help and understanding I feel at the moment is key to my relationship. I hope I have helped you, even if it is a little :)

 

[sillymoo]

Thank you Tilly. I've been with my partner for about 4 years and he was diagnosed with PTSD around February. He was getting nightmares and flashbacks amongst other things.
I was ill and in and out of hospital. I had an operation and due to that op going wrong - I ended up having another op in the space of 3 months.
I think this was the start and triggered my partner.
As I had my second op, things got abit more difficult.
It feels like it's me that's causing him to have outbursts and moods. It also feels like the closeness has gone. I can't describe how different our relationship has gone.
How do you manage ? I am scared of triggering something. Everyday I think how is he going to be today? I question what I have done.
I have recently just started delving into PTSD and trying to find more information and equip myself so that I can try and support him.
This site is really good and offers an in sight on PTSD and that you are not alone.
Thank you for replying on my post - it's the first time I've actually spoken to someone who is in the same situation.

 

[Kolten]

I can't give u advice from one that is a partner with PTSD as I have it myself. But I do sympathise with ur situation and am very sorry u are going thru this. Remember how strong u are and know sometimes the person that has the partner with PTSD has the hardest fight of em all. Keep ur chin up.

 

[BettyWife]

Hi, this is my first post after discovering this website. I am so happy to have found it! I have been married to a firefighter for 13 years, and he changed a lot during that time, from a happy carefree person to an angry irritable jerk... He was diagnosed PTSD several months ago.

It's hard to be married to him. The wonderful, caring, hard working man is still there, but his emotional control, sleep and moods have been severely altered.

He is in active treatment, and it getting better! But today was a bad day. I know what the trigger was today - it wasn't me! But.... I am the one he took it out on. He got angry about my peanut butter and jam spreading method, lectured me on the right process, and accused me of never listening and doing what he says.... Several similar things occurred, leaving me with an all-day headache, feeling alone and angry.

I am getting better at coping. I think I will get the book poster #2 recommended. I have developed unhelpful strategies over the past 13 years that I need to change, and I need to keep working on the skill of not taking his ridiculous criticisms personally. He acts that way because he needs to feel in control, not because he is a jerk. It feels that way though!

I hope to read more about being the spouse of a person with PTSD on this site.

 

[Mary4]

I'm sorry nobody answered you. I've said this over and over. Get this book. It's a game changer. [ATTACH...

Could be helpful for some. My daughter has ptsd, lives alone and is rejecting family. Its a worry not knowing how she is or how to help as we all love her dearly. Any advice from those suffering with it.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

Thank you Tilly. I've been with my partner for about 4 years and he was diagnosed with PTSD around Feb...

I can really relate to this, sillymoo. I have some advice for you from my ups and downs with my partner, which is to make sure to take care of yourself and create boundaries with your partner. You did not cause his moods and issues, and you're not responsible for his behavior. When his behavior affects you, you're allowed to protect yourself. Otherwise, you will exhaust yourself and will not be able to care for him as well :)

One thing that really helps with communication is active listening. This starts with mirroring what your partner is saying when they are frustrated to be sure they are heard and understood.

So for example:
Him: You're making me so angry.
You: I'm making you angry?
Him: Yes, what you did made me angry.
You: It sounds like what I did made you angry, is that right? I really didn't mean to upset you when I did that, but it looks like I did. I think we should take a break for the rest of the night in separate rooms to calm down.

It's really hard to practice this, since our first defense is naturally to formulate our response before the other person finishes speaking. This helps to improve misunderstandings.

Another thing you will see a lot on this forum is to make sure you're setting clear boundaries. A clear boundary might be that when your partner starts to fly off the handle, you might say, "I understand you're upset, but abusive language is unacceptable. I'm going to leave and check in tomorrow, because I can't talk to you when you're acting this way."

It's hard to strike that compromise between being loving to a healing/hurt PTSD partner and standing your ground clearly, lovingly, and honestly to preserve your own sense of self.

 

[Amack]

Hi, this is my first post after discovering this website. I am so happy to have found it! I have been married to a f...

Mine is also an active FF I would love to help any way I can. This site has some amazing articles and books to read. Keep reading to understand. I found a great therapist to help me weed through it also. He has been in and out of treatment and therapists for years......Its a journey...

 

[Amack]

I can really relate to this, sillymoo. I have some advice for you from my ups and downs with...

Yes Yes Yes...... super great advice!!!:tup:

 

[dulcia]

Yay! I'm new so everything here still makes me so happy because it helps squash that alone feeling that is sometimes rather long in relationships with a PTSD sufferer.

I am not handling my relationship well at the moment because we seem to be in a particularly bad down cycle right now, BUT this is the best stuff I have so far:

- Try not to take it personally (HA! I am so emotional that I cry as soon as the criticisms start coming, which only seems to fuel him.)
- Do not return insults and put downs that are sometimes common in outbursts.
- Have someone you trust and feel safe with that you can call/text/talk to during a particularly bad outburst that can ground you (when I get too in my emotions to think clearly).
- After things have truly and completely calmed down -- compliment and receive a compliment in return (i.e. You did a good job reeling yourself back in earlier today, I'm proud of you for that.) I tell my partner that when I hear only mean and insulting things during an outburst, they stick with me and eat at me. So what we talked about doing now is that after any insulting outbursts he says some nice things to me when he's calm to help me remember that he didn't mean the things he said during the outburst.
- Never get physical. A touch, push, or grab on your part can be a massive trigger and can escalate things to an unsafe place.
- If you can't snap him out of it, try to find something that grounds him. (For my partner, it's seeing the animals scared or nervous because they can sense the tension and don't like the yelling. If I can get him to realize how it's distressing them, it sometimes helps calm him down and bring him back).
- If you are venting to friends and family, don't just tell the bad. We tend to only complain when things are bad, and forget to bring up the good things too. If your friends and family only hear about arguments and outbursts and not about how he did the dishes or picked you flowers, then they are going to start resenting him.

You guys rock. Keep it up!