Loving Someone With Ptsd

[MandyLou]

Ok. Here is my story. My guy and I were acquaintances before we actually started seeing each other 2 months ago. He is a vet and has a long military history. He was attentive, kind, always excited to see me and be in my presence. It was great. He was very communicative, would express his love for me, tell me how much he misses me, plan and looking forward to being with me, etc. About 20 days ago, however, something changed. He grew quiet and distant. I was beginning to think that he threw me away for no reason and I was crushed. No texts. Wouldn’t answer or return my calls but would always talk to me and communicate in person. I tired reaching out and found out that he had seen a therapist and discovered that he has PTSD. He shared his feelings with me, the emotional numbness, isolation and tendency of wanting to be alone. I appreciated his openness but still didn’t understand why the official diagnosis has made him act different towards me? He had never acted like that before with me, always wanted to communicate and was always very expressive. I even asked him if he’s pushing me away, he always denies but I feel something very different. When I go to his place to be with him, it’s good and I feel us connecting, but the very second I’m not physically in his presence he won’t initiate communication or seek me out or verbalize that he want to be with me. Now, he does reply to my texts but won’t initiate communication first. I really love this man and trying to be patient and understanding but also don’t fathom some of the reasons that he acts the way he does. I tried finding out if he had changed my mind about me or if I’m not what he desires, but he has denied all that and says that I’m very good to him. There is just so much frustration surrounding all these and it gets tough sometimes. I want to be with him all the time, support and help any way I can, but it appears like I’m not wanted. I want to be wanted too. I want love to be reciprocated like it should be and like the way it was. I really don’t know what to do. I try reading other people’s experiences and gain more understanding. I would greatly appreciate any words of wisdom.

 

[Casey_03]

This is a very common dilemma on this forum. A lot of supporters come here with the exact same problem. I can only offer my insight as a PTSD sufferer and someone who has combat vet friends who have PTSD. My best guess would be that he is pulling away because he isn't really ready for a relationship and he's slowly realizing that. It may be the PTSD diagnosis or a combination of things. But to me, it sort of sounds like he initially really liked the idea of a relationship but now that it's become a reality, he is no longer sure that's what he wants. I would caution you to not take the things he says to heart, but rather pay attention to his actions. Even people without PTSD often get caught up in new relationships and profess their love and devotion when they don't really mean it (at least, in my experience this happens among many people with emotional issues of any kind). Not saying he doesn't love you, I have no idea about that, but I think his actions should carry more weight than his words here. If he is pulling away, I think you need to take a step back to see how things play out if you don't take the initiative.

 

[Friday]

we actually started seeing each other 2 months ago. //// About 20 days ago, however, something changed. //// I want to be wanted too. I want love to be reciprocated like it should be and like the way it was.

The way it was... A month into a relationship... Is never gonna happen. That's honeymoon & passion & stardust & the excitement of all things new & wondrous.

If you were best friends for years prior... Maybe you might be able to return to that, many vets can shift gears from lovers to friends, but I've yet to meet a civilian who can. ((I'm sure they're out there. Somewhere.)) But only 2 months into a relationship? There is no was, hon.

What you want isn't insane. It is perfectly right to need/want what you do in any relationship. It sounds like what you need&want, though, and what he need&wants? Don't line up.

 

[MandyLou]

@Casey_03 and @FridayJones - thank you for your feedback.

I have thought that he may not be ready for a relationship, but there are some other fact that had made me believe otherwise. He showed interest in me some time back because he found out that I cared for him more than he had allowed himself to realize. So, I let him put the effort of letting me know that he wants a relationship with me, and he did! I did have reservations, but he kept pushing and pushing and was very persistent that I give him a chance!

Prior to our being together, he was dating someone who was cold, distant and insensitive. He told me that he felt very insecure and unappreciated in that relationship, and he wanted to be loved so badly. He would share with me like he does now and I know that he trusts me because he knows that I care about him very much.

He has also made comments like,

“I have a hard time receiving love”

"You make me feel special, loved and valued"

“No one has ever loved me the way you love me”

“You are so good and so beautiful than I deserve”


He clearly has a lot of self-esteem issues. Bad relationships. Crappy family dynamics growing up and on and on.

I try to slow things down a bit. I try not to take things personally as he sorts things out. It’s very hard.

 

[Casey_03]

Again, try not to place so much importance on his words, especially things he said previously. For one thing, his feelings may have changed since he said those things, or his wishes may have changed. Or maybe he thought he meant them when he said them but no longer is so sure. It really doesn't matter what he told you if his behavior sends a completely different message. It seems like he has gotten you viewing him as a wounded animal that needs to be loved in order to be healed-- sorry, but that's a load of bullshit, and way way way too often supporters come on here with that sort of thinking, willing to overlook the sufferers' behavior all because he/she said something about love or has low self-esteem issues or whatever. He probably does have low self esteem and issues from bad relationships, as well as numerous other issues due to PTSD, but that is only more reason to take a step back and give him some space. It shouldn't make you more determined to make the relationship work - that's dangerous. I'm not saying give up on him for good, but I think you should at least wait and see if he will take the initiative himself. I don't think there's any harm in just giving him some space to see how it all plays out, There's also a good chance that maybe he doesn't want you to go away forever, but he wants more space. He might just seem less receptive because he's trying to sort out stuff in his head. It's hard to tell from what you've written. But "wanting to be with him all the time" might simply be a desire that doesn't work for him right now -- everyone goes through phases of needing more "me" time. That might be all this is. Either way, more space seems like the only thing that would bring a good outcome.

 

[Sideways]

Wanting a relationship, and being ready for a relationship, are often poles alart when you have ptsd on board.

I want a partner. Having someone to be there, love each other just as we are - that would be so fantastic...only it wouldn't. It would be a disaster. As much as I want it, there's no way I could pull it off right now. Too hard. Too painful.

Like @FridayJones said, the honeymoon period is one thing. And maybe yeah, he does genuinely want to be in a relationship with you. That doesn't mean he's ready for it. And unfortunately, as much as he might want it, it isn't necessarily the right thing for him right now.

Sorry, that must hurt.

 

[MandyLou]

@Ragdoll Circus - No, there is nothing to be sorry for. He was so persistent in trying to get me that I thought he wanted me the way I want him. His behavior was always consistent and he never backed off. @Ragdoll Circus, can you specify why would it be a "disaster" as you call it?

He just discovered he has PTSD, so I’m sure there is so much for him to take in. I’m trying to do my best and give him some space until he is ready.

Actually, he made an interesting comment once. One time when he got distant, I went to him and he told me that he “hides” and that sometimes he needs me to find him and get him out of that hiding place. I can tell that's true as he may appear distant, but always lightens up in my presence.

 

[Sideways]

2 big reasons why a relationship wouldn't work for me?

First is the emotions you go through during recovery. They're not just overwhelming, but they can also be quite random, like constantly reaching into a lucky dip where most of the prizes are different versions of awful: depressed, then angry, then grieving, then a bit of ok, then, then then... And you don't tend to get those emotions in small doses - they're huge waves that bowl you over and make it almost impossible to function. So I pulled off visiting my mum yesterday, but today there's no chance I'm leaving my apartment.

Second is that I can't trust anyone. The world is unsafe. My trauma taught me that. Letting people in makes me vulnerable. As much as I feel isolated and alone, being close to people is far too threatening. I hate even having to go through the checkout with my groceries because my head is so fixed in its "can't trust people" mode.

Those are my experiences of ptsd. But so far, it seems to me that a lot of people with ptsd would relate to some version of those sorts of issues. So yeah, I love my mum and intellectually I know she's "safe", but days like today - being around her would just be too hard. The junk in my head just makes it too hard.

 

[MandyLou]

@Ragdoll Circus - I understand all that you share. The person that I'm talking about wasn't always like this. It's like waking up one morning and talking to a wholly different person. A person who would initiate communication every day can go weeks without saying anything unless I reach out. I'm pretty lost. It's hard not to feel lost. It's hard to understand that a person just can change like that. I try putting pieces of puzzles together but there are so many things I don't understand. I struggle with this daily knowing that it's just another day emotionally and physically apart from someone I love.

 

[Sideways]

Take care of yourself. Your health must come first for you. If it gets too hard, remember that you're more valuable to him as a good solid friend than as a girlfriend who's an emotional wreck!

Thanks for caring enough for someone with ptsd:)

 

[MandyLou]

@Ragdoll Circus - thank you. Guess what happened today? I texted him and he called me back! I was so excited to hear his voice! I could tell by his voice that he's doing much better. I can't describe how much I had missed him!

 

[Sideways]

Good to hear! Psycho-analysis-whohaa aside, good news is always good news:)