Mad Ranting

[beatle_bailey]

To whom it may interest

I Hate the fact that I really only have this stupid PC. and a couple of sites such as this
forum , or a couple others {which I can't mention or I will get the OH so wicked repramand
,,,OOOW the chills}, , sorry if you may pick up on the sarcazem, and the bad spelling
f*****people may be there for some . in the form of family , suport system , may be groups
or friends that actually call and care about you . franckly this just dosn't do shit
for me , and yet hear I am typing ...
Am I suicidle , No.. yes there are many times that I do not want to live , time I find
no good reason to go on , Now that being said . I do own and ride a nice 800 Intruder
motorcycle , my child calls it a mid life crisis , I say I've bin this way all my life ,,
But I have never cared so little about other peoples true concern for my well being
{ that may be a lie , I don't know if I ever care } dam the conciquecises and go for it ,
they will get over it in time or did they ever really care . Now I know some really do
care , such ass my child who loves me dearly . it's just right now that dos'nt even matter.
I just can't even help myself , I don't care . it's most likely your advise or words of
comfort will mean little to change things ,
so why did I write this ,,, couldn't tell ya ,,,

Beatle Bailey ,

 

[Deleted member 541]

Beatle....

Sounds like you are having a tough time lately.......Have you thought of starting a diary, or do you have one already where you could vent out all of the crap that you are feeling?????? Just a thought.....

Hang in there....

 

[Dylan]

Hi Beatle,

Your post resonated with me, especially, "I just can't even help myself , I don't care . it's most likely your advise or words of
comfort will mean little to change things ,
so why did I write this ,,, couldn't tell ya ,,,"

The very nature of this beast seems to be the mind entrapment. Knowing why my brain isn't helping me out much (survival skills stuck in the "on" position) certainly doesn't make me feel any better, doesn't dissipate the grinding despair, doesn't brighten the endless, stretching grayness of the world. I need SKILLS to effect change. It's hard to fix my brain with my brain.

For me, that's why advice from others (which, frankly, I think is shit anyway...no one can POSSIBLY know what another person really needs and I think especially due to the PTSD, I need to learn to look WITHIN to reconnect with my own self) and even words of comfort often don't reach if I'm stuck in the squirrel cage (right when I most need the ability to let them in).

I don't know why you write, but I know why I do: connection. To know I'm not alone with this crazy-making shit. To try and find rhyme, reason, meaning. PTSD sufferers have a tough row to hoe: get thrown into existential crisis and despair - and find meaning. Discover that the assumption of safety that others have, we don't have - and yet operate within their world. Throw our brain into limbic-haywire, but then try to fix our brain with our brain.

For me, EMDR and certain types of CBT have been the most helpful. But regardless: this is some tricky shit.

-D

 

[Noone.]

Beatle

Perfect I love it, tell it like it is pure shite, rant your arce off brother love the post, I need a beer later:occasion:

 

[beatle_bailey]

I know the replies I got are all well meaning thoughts and words of compassion or encouragement . . But this is a f***in computer .
Now maybe if I had a human being who knew me well , some one who cared , Christ just some one I could lean on without feeling that I'm just a big pain in the Ass......
sorry She Cat , never saw any rime or reason in keeping a diary .. hell it's been 33yrs and I haven't read the letters my mother gave me from a woman i would have married , { Donna was raped and murdered } I have made my peace with Donna . and yet a sane person would say why are you still holding them.......
I have neitherer and responce or a reason that makes any sense.......

Dylon
Mostly I write or post because I'm so f***in mad I have to dump it some place and I really don't want it to go away , I want to hang on to the hate and pain just long enuff till it gets so bad that I can't take it any longer , Then some thing changes or I just get off my Ass and do some thin about it ... That took yrs to work in the past . but I have already dealt with some or most of the Major blocks in my head , not that they don't come knocking on the door every now and then , just to remind me that they still can screw with me .... I know them all , {my feelings} they don't hold as much power as they once did ...
Now what the heck is EMDR or CBT if they are mode control or anti depressants or in that so called medicine . I have never taken and will not take . . . I delt these cards I'm playing with and I will feel every little STINKING bit of emotional pain I have to go thru till I find my way clear and my heart an soul heal .. I have come a long way so far and look forward to the future as scary and painful as that may be ....

Hey fire cracker ,,,,,, no U don't deserve that Firehouse9south sorry ....... I will not strike what almost came out but also will not Deni that i almost got very insulting , and that's just because you have the luxury of being able to have a beer or a STIFF DRINK to take the edge off . hell some smack would be nice to .. Ahh but that's just a pi**ed off sober alcoholics talking there ...

now for the last bit of extra rant, , , I got wrote up again , {for not useing CAPITAL LETTERS}, Christ a butter fly could fly by and I would forget my own kid with all the brain damage I have survived , , , , But I hold no animosity toward this hard workin monitor ,,, they help a lot of people around here , , , the whole reason for this rant was to show how little I care or just how useless I feel . . . how duz a person get that across ,,, some one should have put a bullet in me long ago , I know many who shouldn't be aloud to live on this planet , and way more people on this planet who could care less about there fellow man ,, f***um all ......
man thats enough out of this idiot
that's one of my biggest problems ,,,, I care way to much about others , an most of the time you can't do a thing to help them ,,,,,

 

[Jestadud]

If you've gotta let it out this seem's a good place to start.
I might have been a bit like you, an anger let loose in me that I hadn't really felt since my youth.
I was finally persuaded to see a doctor, all I could tell him was something was wrong, I felt over alert all the time but what worried me most was that my hand's would shake. He done a few test's and arranged for me to see a councilor, which was a couple of month's wait.
It was during the session with the councilor that I realised it was anger I was feeling. As this was an assessment to see if I qualified for further sessions she asked what I wanted to get from it, the only answer I could give was "I want it turned off"!
It would have been a few month's wait for further session's and at that time I didn't think I could last that long. I went back to my doctor and asked if there was something for anger management where I could get help.
There wasn't anything available but there was a new thing being tried out where everybody with problems went and were advised about book's they could read or groups they could join etc, etc, I didn't fit with any group.
Luckily their last gasp measure was to see a therapist.
My therapist was a wonderful young woman who I could see straight away putting a lot of effort into understanding my problem. On about our fourth session she diagnosed PTSD. I knew she was right straight away but I had a real problem getting my head around it. I'm just an ordinary bloke stress yeah but PTSD that's for soldier's, disaster survivor's or abuse victim's.
Anyway I had CBT then I had EMDR and I feel I'm out the other side now, but there's still thing's I don't understand, that's why I'm on this forum.

Midlife crisis! Yes I've heard that, it's one way to describe it.
I'm guessing you're 40 to 50, maybe you were a bit of a handful in your youth, got married had kids, knuckled down and had to put up with a lot of crap over the year's because you had responsabilities. I wonder did you have a bike when you were younger and give it up. Hey, let me guess further, you're not so good at stripping them down then building them up but you love the freedom of riding two wheel's.

I think you'll find companionship, understanding and like mind's on this site.
But if you want help maybe you should start by telling your doctor "something's wrong"

Good luck
Jesta

 

[anthony]

Sounds like a pretty tough time presently Beatle... never a good thing. The forum has its system... yes... though its not a personal thing. I agree with you about computers... the [DLMURL]http://WWW..[/DLMURL]. it is not personal. Every person needs to find someone who they can have that face to face contact with, someone to phone locally and just chat with, a real voice, a real face. Sometimes we abuse these things we often take for granite... being we take take take from others without thinking about how much one can really take before shutting down another. It is a pretty radical cycle IMO.... quite extreme even.

 

[Nicolette]

Hey Beatle....hang in there....

 

[Dylan]

Hi Beatle,

EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing; CBT is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Both tools have been proven to help a great deal with PTSD and C-PTSD. These "therapies" have no drug usage indicated in their scope. I don't know about anyone else here, but for myself, I NEED tools that I can grab and hang on to that can stop me from spinning out of control because when I start to spin, without SOMEthing, I don't stop.

-D

 

[beatle_bailey]

Thanks Anthony and Nicolette for understanding that time get tough on ocation and we have to find our own way to deal with life , the shit that happens and these stupid PC .......

Jesta
you don't know me at all ,, , , so please make no usumsions or statements as if you do. if you want to find out some thing about somones status or what going on that may be making them feel so down . ASK them , get to know them first
if there is one thing I hate it's people givin advise when they know nothing of the subject ,,,,,
Ow I quit riding 33yrs ago cause after I blinded my right in a major accident in 1975 , I almost killed an older woman on my bike .


Dylon
my strongest and longest lasting suport system has been a fellow ship that spans the world who only real focus is on alcoholics, I can't name the organization or I will get scolded again ..
but thanks for putting words to letters . . . . I have no idea when people thought simple letters ment real words .

I am in just a little better space , so I think I will leave before it goes sour
Beatle Bailey

 

[beatle_bailey]

All right every one
sorry I was in such an ugly and even insulting mood ,,,,
Shit happens , people get sick {phyisically } as well as mentally ..
and I personaly don't hold back anything , I have bin told that I caan get quite contempuos { by my Mom } and she was right .
I have also learned that when I hold back I suffer very deeply an longer pain, self lothing, fear depression and loos of Hope ....
sorry if I donp that all hear , But were else ,

Later Beatle

 

[Grama-Herc]

Personally, I think this IS the place to dump all the crap. Who else is going to understand what it is like be us.

Our bad days are W_A_Y different than the average bad day of someone without PTSD. Consequently, how could others be expected to understand. We get it. So as far as I'm concerned, my friend, dump away.