Major Flashback

[krikkit]

In the middle of laughing about silly relatives with my mom, I had a flashback while she was driving the car. I don't remember what I did. She says I started to scream and cry and beg her to let me out. It went on for a long while. To me, it felt like I had blacked out from drinking, that fuzzy and fading recollection of reality and then darkness. I realized she was rubbing my shoulder and saying 'I am here, Kay. Can you feel me touching you? I'm touching your shoulder. See? Answer me, if you can hear me. Can you feel me touching your shoulder?'

I don't know what triggered it. I'm so upset that it happened. I hate it when people see me go into flashbacks, and I'm not sure she's being honest about what all happened - she seemed really scared and taken aback. But we talked and slowly and I came out of it. I don't know how much time passed. She said it was a long time, and I kept begging her to please, please let me out. She just kept telling me where she was touching me, my elbow and my shoulder and my head, until I finally acknowledged what she had said.

I feel ashamed and horrible right now. I'm damaged, and something is wrong with me. God I just want to be a normal person. I'm so tired of this. I used to be normal. I used to be so happy

 

[krikkit]

I'm sorry that I am so depressed and angry. I never want anyone to see flashbacks. I am so ashamed that they happen. I know I shouldn't be ... but it doesn't change it. I'm sorry.

 

[maddog]

Oh mate... I'm so, so sorry. This truly hurt to read, both because I so relate to how you feel, and because I know there are no words to make it better. I wish I could change everything for all of us, to allow us the simple safety of the world that most people take for granted. It is the cruelest, most brutal injustice to live with afear of something within you that someone else put there.

Thinking of you.

Maddog

 

[Overwhelmed]

Maddog said it perfectly. I hope you heal and feel better. I know what you mean. I have been there and it is horrible. Once I had an episode coming out of surgery and I just freaked out where male nurses had to subdue me. I awoke having arm restraints. I am sharing this with you to let you know you are not alone. I know you are frustrated but try and stay positive. Good Luck!

 

[krikkit]

Thank you both. I still feel shaken and horrible. I always do - you just never get used to it. I don't like the feeling of being out of control. It just reaffirms to me that something really is wrong. I'm not just nervous or anxious. Something is happening in my brain. And I hate it.

My emotions were really raw when I wrote my first post. I'm sorry I came off as so negative and devastated. I know I need to keep my chin up and keep working on it, look at the positives. I'll try.

 

[maddog]

Please don't apologise, you are allowed to get scared, and distressed, and angry, and all of those things... and you're allowed to say so. PTSD is a lonely and frightening world, it helps to let others in, especially when they toil the same horrific terrain that you do.

Hope you always feel safe to share the truth here.

Maddog