Making Amends For PTSD Behavior To Carers

[Shiloh]

Now that I am starting to work with my PTSD and showing some slow improvement my Husband is feeling safer to express all of the pain and suffering that he endured. He is not blaming me and has said that he was showing co-dependancy, that he should have made boundaries. But the facts are that neither of us fully understood what was happening, he loved me very much and wanted to be there for me.

I know that I have put him through the ringer. I feel a lot of guilt and remorse for that because it has chipped away at him, his self esteem and his ability to trust me. I know that I can't fix him or make it all better, but I do want to show him that I see how hard it was for him and that I want to make amends to him.

I know my first step is to stay on track with treatment, get my moods stable and practice self care. I also know that getting an outside support network will help to take a load off of him.

Today he brought up the day my engagement ring was delivered. I was in the shower and he was so excited to give it to me. He came into the shower and I immediately shut down (PTSD triggers, small space, being naked, vulnerable, not being in control). He then gave me the ring and I said something like- are you seriously giving this to me in here? I was triggering and used anger and shaming him to get out of the situation. Looking back I imagine that I really hurt him, I am so embarrassed even to write this here.

There are so many examples just like this and I want him to know that I hear him and validate his feelings. I want to apologize and not just have my past as an excuse for emotionally hurtful comments and behaviors. My Husband means so much to me and I want to own my part of our marriage breaking down.

If anyone has ideas for me I would really appreciate it.

Thanks!

 

[justme]

I am sure this was not easy for you to write, however applaud you for doing so. Being a Carer (however at this time he is no longer communicating with me), this post touched my heart. If your husband feels the same way towards you as I do of my Sufferer I know this would touch him deeply as well.

I know everyone thinks and feels differently, but I do not hold a grudge against my Sufferer, nor would expect him to “pay” for what has happened or what has been done. It seems you are clearly trying to make an effort in your relationship with your husband, and I am sure he sees that. For me it would make every difference in the world.

Keep up the good work trying to keep yourself on track and good luck with everything!!

 

[Jawn]

Shiloh as a carer I can relate to what your husband has been through and applaud you for wanting to make amends. Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him about this? Basically telling him that you know you have done some things in the past that were hurtful to him and that you are sorry for it. If he is like me, just acknowledging that you realize this and want to try and not do it any more would be a huge step. I know it would be one that I would appreciate if my wife ever gets to that point. I have also come to terms that she may never do that and I will not hold a grudge against her because I know it was the PTSD talking and not really her.

So hang in there and do try to discuss it with him. If it is too difficult for you, you might consider trying couples counseling as a way to get things out on the table and move forward.

Jawn

 

[TLight]

It's amazing that this thread is on here today and I've clicked on it.

I'm a sufferer, and, try as I might, I can't seem to avoid my episodes and treating my husband what I think is badly.
To me, this aspect of having PTSD just exponentially increases my shame and suicidal thoughts.

He too understands and tells me over and over I don't even have to say I'm sorry. I feel like I cause the people around me so much stress and I can't stop the triggering and downward spirals, no matter how much I desparately want to sometime. I feel like I'm making someone else miserable and the only solution I can find is I have to leave and be completely alone, or die.

I am just coming out of a severe triggering incident that caused trouble at the worst of all times and I feel like I just need to isolate myself from all of humanity in order to not spread the misery that I have to live on a daily basis.

My husbands brother has always been a jerk to me, a dick, and completely and utterly stupid, going out of his way to make inappropriate jokes that only serve to make me feel like an intruder in the family, an idiot, or just a chest full of boob.
The men in my family were like this, to a zillionth degree. They were condescending assholes and took every opportunity they could to hurt someone's feelings. My father took this to a whole new sick violent level.

So my husband's father is on his deathbed. I'm able to be there for two days straight, I felt a part of something special, I felt like I belonged, I felt for the first time in life I had a family.
Then the brother comes over. I don't even see him directly, I walk outside for a bit prior to coming back to the house, just to try to settle myself. Well.........of course that really worked. I sat in the woods and had a horrific flashback and spent the next hour or so hyperventalating. I walked and walked but could not force myself to go back to the house.

Eventually my husband is driving along the road to find me. He gives me a klonoipin and takes me home. Then I'm left at home........waiting for the next days on end. Of course, he calls and tells me the play by play, including how great his brother happens to be being.

He dies and my husband comes home, finally. I'm listening for two days to childhood remembrances. I'm staying in a loving unselfish place.......then after two days I just mention that listening to someone elses great life is a bit of a struggle for me, but I'm OK. I give an example of one of my own experiences and he cuts me off like a hot knife. Can't deal with it..............I'm triggered again, feel like I'm being told to 'get over it,' 'it's over and it's not going to ever happen to you.'

Then the anger unleashes and I can't seem to stop it. I'm mad as hell another bully won.........took away my chance to be with my new family.....took away my chance to be with my husband when he needed me........left me sitting at home alone waiting and waiting.

I tried, I tried really hard not to escalate. But I did, I did for days.

I didn't say anything directly to hurt him.............but i certainly caused a ton of stress when his father had just died.

I hate myself for this. I hate myself and I want to disappear. I don't feel like I"m worthy of a relationship. I don't feel I'm capable. I want to disappear and never interact or belong anywhere ever again. I have spent days in horrible horrible shame.

 

[intothelight]

I am still pretty new to all this. It hasn't even been a year since my diagnosis, but my husband and I have worked on something that has really helped.

When something pushes me over the edge, we wait until the emotions are settled. Then when I am grounded, we discuss the incident. What triggered it, what could have been done to avoid it, what I could have done reduce the intensity of the response, what he could have done to help, etc. It enables us to share our feelings, identify things that I/he may miss and gives us a "blue print" of how to prevent or handle a similar situation in the future.

My husband and children cannot really relate to how I feel a lot of times, they just accept that is "how I feel". There are a lot of times I do not relate to how they view or feel things, I just accept it as their feelings. No one invalidates anyone, nor is one more "right" than another. We just work together to treat each other with love, respect and kindness.

It has helped, but it will take years to work through it all. 40 years of abuse put me hear and less than one year of working on healing isn't going to make things perfect overnight. Progress is just measured in the little things or absence of some negative things.

 

[BrotatoSalad]

I have been awful lately. Had two breakdowns where my carer had to restrain me from killing myself, when I screamed horrible things at him because he wouldn't let me, when he had to find me with my face swollen and bleeding because I had beat the crap out of myself. He has started expressing that he is not leaving me, but he cannot "deal" with my PTSD anymore. This spiraled into me feeling so anxious and panicked and horrible about myself that I felt physical stabbing pain in my chest. I was burning myself again with knives heated on the stove. It was just a horrible snowball effect, and it was horrible for him as well.

The verbal apologies (plain "I'm sorry") were never enough, how could they be? Even the explanations came off like excuses. The olive-branch behaviors and actions I could only perform when I was functional which was rare. So I have recently checked myself into a DBT intensive outpatient treatment program. Not just for my carer and the sake of our relationship, but for me as well. DBT is supposed to be pretty darn good for PTSD and it was designed for borderline personality disorder so it trains a lot of behavioral skills to reduce self-harm, suicidal tendencies, interpersonal difficulties, crisis, etc... CBT just never worked for me because I am so hard-wired, I don't even have time to think before I feel and react. Or I can think it, reason it out, and still have this awful feeling that results in lashing out at myself or my carer.

I just started this program, but he already appreciates the fact that I am truly trying to change and recover, and myself? I feel less powerless, discovering new paths to recovery. I'll let you know how it goes!