Making peace with not remembering

[TruthSeeker]

I went through a phase where I wanted, more like needed, to know everything about every single time. Like...

I have some shxt I need to file.....and I doubt I'll ever get it all under the right letter in the right filing cabinet. But I like how you keep it simple...sometimes "bad" is enough.....and we might regret later knowing all the hideous details anyway. And I think sometimes...enough is enough...and we can move on....if we accept that as a way to deal.....

 

[whiteraven]

For those of you who don't remember everything that happened to you (including due to repressed me...

I don't really think it matters if we don't remember or if we are unsure things actually happened the way we do remember. What matters is how we feel about remembering or not. Now, I still struggle with it, a lot. But I keep reminding myself of this and over time, it has really helped.

 

[Swift]

Just thought I'd add that "inability to recall key parts of the trauma" is actually in the DSM as PTSD symptom...

 

[NightSky]

This has been, hands down, the hardest part of healing for me. It’s an insane struggle that I can’t seem to get past. My first flashback happened at age 19 or 20. It was out of nowhere. But explained so much. For the next couple of years i had a few flashes. Very odd ones. Didn’t fit into the narrative I understood my life to be. I’m 40 now. I think every single day since then I’ve been through a debate in my mind. I will never have proof because i won’t go looking for it. I will never know unless my brain decides to give up more information. I have no advice but so much experience in this area. I’m just now beginning to really truly believe those flashes are real and to try my best to believe my experiences and my pain are valid. I’m just now accepting I may never know more. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to heal. I wish I had the magic answer. If you find it let me know. But I do know going back and forth for TWENTY years now has gotten me not one inch closer to healing and wholeness. So just going with what Janina Fisher (author of Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivirs- excellent book I highly recommend) says, in order to heal we need a “felt sense” of what our younger self went through and not a narrative, in order to heal. That has really helped me.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Try drawing yourself as a child....with the feelings apparent in your drawing....focusing on the eyes, emotions, the mouth, and the arms...and body position.....I started using charcoal, but it was too dark, so I switched to pastel pencils....which provide color and help with meaning and feeling (warm vs cool colors). I found this helpful....and it quells the noise of my youth to be acknowledged and connected with the feelings I had that I just for the life of me couldn't make sense. I found that my "drawings draw themselves" as I go along, and they come together from feelings within, and I am ultimately very satisfied if I listen to my insides when I'm drawing. In my case, my drawings are powerfully emotional....where I can't even begin to connect the emotions of the past with any sureness, but drawing helps provide better clarity. I did start taking drawing lessons and this has helped a great deal...and I'm finding it fun, too. I guess, in my case, drawing connects me with the past, and gives me a visual representation that I didn't have before. If you haven't already, you might try it.

 

[Candleflames]

I too went through a period where I needed to know everything. I was obsessive and spent far too much time tracking down records from my schools, cps, criminal records and such. It took so much energy and time and in the end left me feeling disappointed. I was stuck in therapy for years because of this. But we kept plugging a long and after time I was able to let go of this "need".

Looking back I can see it was really a way for me to validate my feelings, experiences and my existence in general. I see it as a sign of how sick I was that I so needed external validation for my life and even myself to be real. I couldn't just trust myself. Now I don't need nor do I want to know the gritty details of what happened to me. My body and brain did what it needed to do to protect me using mechanisms that exist for just that purpose. Dissociation to bypass the worst of it can be a blessing or a curse depending on how you deal with it after the incident. Imaging if you were to be mauled by a bear. Checking out and not really being in your body when it happens is natural way to protect the mind. It's becomes a problem over when the mechanisms is reused repeatedly over time and at a young age. Which it sounds like happened to you.

Keep at therapy if you have it. It makes a world of difference. Best of luck with making peace with your own defense mechanisms.