Malevolent Abuse

[Hope4future]

Is there any other kind? My T suggests that the experiences from my childhood are a form of malevolent abuse and therefore bring with them their own set of challenges.

From what I understand, malevolent abuse is when the abuser deliberately sets out to destroy the person's sense of self and safety, and the abuser takes pleasure in causing harm. It can be abuse toward a child or an adult.

Have any of you heard of this and know more about it? The web search I did brought up very little information.

Also, and I mean this seriously, isn't all abuse malevolent?

 

[The Albatross]

No I don't think all abuse is malevolent. A lot, quite a lot was my own young parents acting out their own abuse. It was quite unconscious... though the result to me was pretty much the same. Malevolent speaks to deliberate intent and getting pleasure from the abuse. Neither of my parents, though both were abusers in their own way did that.

 

[garden]

Sometimes abusers are not deliberately trying to destroy the abused. For example, a person who believes the 'spare the rod and spoil the child' thing might actually believe that they are doing what is right for that child. The child feels abused and grows up to resent the parent, but he parent believes that they were doing what was best. So our perceptions and beliefs influence our intentions, and sometimes the intentions may be good, but the actions taken are all wrong...

 

[shimmerz]

Search sociopath , narcissist. There is something absolutely a wound unto itself when one derives pleasure from another's pain. Betrayal trauma is something to research as well.

 

[sun seeker]

I haven't heard of the term, but it comes at a good time. I am just starting to get an inkling that there was actual premeditated intent to damage my spirit in some of the things my mother did. In a strange way, it's freeing to know that, in my case anyway. It takes off some of the pressure to minimize and explain away the damage. How does it feel to you?

 

[moonbeam]

I'm not sure they were trying to destroy me.

I think the beatings and chokings and physical abuse was their outrage and anger and inability to control their tempers.

The sexual abuse and years of rape was more about their own desires and feelings, I don't think they were trying to destroy me. I don't think they thought about me at all. More likely I was an unfortunate victim of being the only female there.

The yelling and insults. I'm not sure. I think this might be the closest to intentional destruction. But based on the fact that we were often told as children that we ruined our dads life and he wished we had never been born. I think that was more about him being so young and angry and his life not being what he thought it was and believing that having kids at a young age ruined his life.

Does that excuse the actions? Not at all. But I don't know that it was intentional destruction. But maybe that is my own naive hope.

 

[Justmehere]

I think it's all about intent.

My father abused me and destroyed my sense of safety, but he didn't mean to destroy my sense of safety. It was more like impulsive rage and him being caught up in himself.

Later, I was abused by a sociopath. Totally different. He intended to manipulate me and screw with my mind, not just intended to physically damage my body. It affected me much more.

 

[shimmerz]

I think they are mind f's in very real ways. One has one potentially taint how we love or what we believe love should be, passing the sickness around. The other potentially destroys our sense of humanity. Both devastating and yes, very unique.

 

[ghotiff]

My second childhood sexual abuser took pleasure from my negative reactions to his abuse. He used to giggle with glee if I showed any signs of discomfort. He was also emotionally manipulative. He did sexually less than my first abuser but I think he damaged me more.

I remember less from my first sexual abuser but I think he took more pleasure from the sexual side. I think to this guy, I was irrelevant, I was just a child's body.

I don't know...it's all too complicated for me today.

 

[Friday]

IME.. I prefer malevolent abuse :D As it's easier to simply hate the person, or care not a single whit about them in any form, and just walk away.

Unintended abuse/neglect can come from a wide variety of sources. Consider the child who is being beaten and raped... And does the same thing to another child. Or the recovered alcoholic who would terrorize her husband and children when drunk, but never sober. Or the single parent working 3 jobs while their children are home alone, day after day, night after night. Or the addict whose kids are starving while $300 goes up a nose or in a vein. Or the person with PTSD who lashes out in fear/anger at their spouse or partner. Things start getting murky... Don't they? When all of a sudden there are reasons, motivations, diagnosis. When the person doesn't want to hurt the people they love and is doing so, anyway.

It's one reason why I don't usually use my exHusband's diagnosis, and stick simply with prick/asshole/c*nt/douche/etc. Yep. There are very very good reasons "why" he is who he is. Those reasons don't matter to me. I was used to dating people with issues, who didn't want those issues bt also understood and accepted that they had them; worked very hard to contain/ redirect/ manage themselves, etc. It doesn't justify things, but it can cast a different light on a situation. So I mistakenly thought the same thing in my ex, for several years. I was wrong. My ex is a malevolent motherf*cker. So, f*ck his reasons. I've known sociopaths with more empathy. They might not be able to feel things the same as most people, but they took care to be careful of others. Like you may not be confined to a wheelchair, but that doesn't mean you run around tipping people out of their wheelchairs. You might not understand everything that goes into it, but you can reason through things like : stairs might not be a good option, here.

I prefer malevolence because it's "cleaner" in my head & heart... But when someone is trying to hurt you? Hope they've got the attention span of a gnat. I prefer accidental abuse in my daily life. Both are bad. Just in different ways.

 

[Kefira]

IME.. I prefer malevolent abuse :D As it's easier to simply hate the person, or care not a single whit about them in any form

Yes. This has been a theme for me. I has brutally raped/tortured over a long period of time by people who did it just because they could do it. Because I wasn't their equal in their eyes, because they didn't have to respect me. They systematically broke me down with full intent to do so and took pleasure in it. They were malicious. It's not easy to process what happened (or I wouldn't be here) but it is easier to see that the fault was theirs, and to hate them. I've found my anger for them and I know it's justified.

I've had longer to process that, granted, but more of my therapy with my new therapist has been focused on my last ex, who wasn't normally abusive, but would prevent me from leaving the house by cornering me in the bathroom and holding me so tight I'd have bruises during a fight. He was neglectful and self centered. He really loved me, didn't mean to harm me, but he did a lot of damage over the course of the relationship regardless. Yes, probably a lot of the damage was due to my trauma background and my PTSD and my inability to process certain things well and healthily. But it wasn't malicious, and for me personally it makes it harder because I can't hate him for doing things he didn't understand or believe the ramifications of. So I have to come to terms with it in a way that allows for the good and the bad.

 

[shimmerz]

Those reasons don't matter to me.

This way of looking at things is so streamlined. Yes, thanks Friday. Then I don't get boggled up with thinking. I just get to feel. I appreciate your simplifying for me. I concern myself too much with what is fair for the

stick simply with prick/asshole/c*nt/douche/etc

See? I feel better already just reframing it like that.
:D