at some level I'm not sure how much it matters because damage is done regardless of motive and healing will be the journey we all have to take to reclaim ourselves.
Why process their intent, instead of our healing from their abuse. They made use feel small, so we from our subsistence state try to make sense of what happened to us. Rebuild the self and don't give a F***K about the what or the why of the monster's behavior.
IMHO ~ from the perspective of a Survivor who has been travelling this road for almost 3 decades now (since I was in my mid-30's when it all started to unravel), trying to find healing; whose own profound and deeply damaging csa/incest and 2 subsequent adult rapes now also include a string of failed relationships (most, though not all, of them 'manipulative' in some loosely-framed way if I really examine them) and 2 emotionally and psychologically abusive therapies, [all of] which damaged me further; and who has only in the last year, with an experienced child bereavement counsellor* who is also a trauma specialist/certainly very knowledgeable in issues of trauma**, been given the opportunity and hope to finally integrate ALL these traumas to find [at least some measure of] the 'healing' and peace we ALL so richly deserve, I would say
@Hope4future you have basically answered your own question. Not only would I also say that I wholeheartedly [from my shattered heart*] agree with
@Changeling (I couldn't have put it better myself!) but, I think you may have an answer for your T, too, if she was [indeed] needing an answer??? ~ i.e. Is it really helpful for us to even be even looking at this now, to defining different 'levels' of abuse???
Because, at the end of the day, ANY abuse is/can be seriously damaging ~ i.e. it's all circular, abuse-is-abuse-is-abuse :wtf::sick::inpain: ~ and to focus on anything to do with the abuser or their motives, particularly if one still has some healing to do or where one [still] lacks integration, takes the emphasis away from YOU. This is about you, and You, and YOU (ALL Survivors) and YOUR HEALING. As Survivors we always, always look/search for excuses and get-outs for the abuser (that's inherently part of the damage of any abuse: "well it was only once", "it was just touching", "maybe I did deserve that...", "perhaps he/she was just having a bad day", "but he did love me", "but he was very gentle"...and on-and-on ad infinitum...) which is as hard-wired in us as it is for the abuser to look for reasons to abuse ("you shouldn't have acted in that way, then maybe I wouldn't have done that", "why did you look at me that way, when you knew what it would do to me", "you were such a sassy/provocative little girl, what did you expect?", "you were such a wimp when you were younger, you needed me to show you how to be a man ~ a real man"...yes there are male Survivors, too and probably more than you can imagine :(, who don't go on to abuse but take it on and into themselves that it was "them" and "their fault" :tdown: and the classics "but, you know I loved you/I couldn't help myself [because I loved you so much]" and on-and-on-and-on ad infinitum...) It's ALL Bulls**t to look at their reasons whilst you've still got any work to do on yourself to FEEL you are healed and especially when/if you're paying a therapist or counsellor :confused: (fortunately, where I am, I don't have that added burden as the services I've had access to are all free). However, on a final note, I would say that ANY Therapist or Counsellor worth their salt working with you on abuse issues should be seeking ways to work with you that EMPOWER YOU, absolutely not, not, NOT disempower you in any way shape or form. This is YOUR JOURNEY and as a Survivor who has already been abused and been disempowered through that abuse, you have the absolute right to challenge anyone (your Therapist/Counsellor/Supporter, ANYONE) you have invited to accompany you on that journey if something they say or do isn't helpful to you...that is how you keep yourself SAFE and prevent any further abuses of power. :) Yes, you may always struggle with certain issues as a Survivor, never feel completely healed (life is a journey and most people have some form of 'damage' they need to 'heal' from...(sigh)...any form of healing is never finite...BUT, please don't wait for something else [like happened with me] to come along that breaks you wide-open, again, and/or sets you back.
(*Because I also now have the additional trauma which is "every parents worst nightmare" of losing my precious only child ~ always the light at the end of my tunnel ~ suddenly and traumatically after she was knocked down on a pelican/light controlled crossing 7 years and 10 months ago at the age of 23* :cry::bawling::cry: **This is my 3rd period of counselling I have been in at the same unique specialist child and family bereavement centre of excellence near me since my daughter was killed, where all the counsellors have to have some knowledge and experience of working with trauma quite simply because, it is common for most parents, particularly mothers who form the strongest/closest bonds with their children, to be suffering from trauma/some form of PTSD no matter how their child died and that is particularly so when the loss of their child and severance of that bond was sudden, unexpected and traumatic in itself**...and believe me, though I hope none of you ever get to know, although the death of anyone close and much loved can break you wide-open, again, bringing every old issue to the surface that you thought you'd worked through, that is particularly so when the loss is your child...It is simply heart-shattering, indescribable and unfathomable...even to the parent who's there :( In the 1st 2 Counselling's I had, I wasn't ready to deal with the abuse as well and I don't think I could have faced that level of pain, anyway...though I do still question whether I can face any more, even now, particularly having more recently got to my Core with everything. Fortunately, I had 1 session of EMDR*** towards the end of my 2nd Counselling at the centre with one of the senior Counsellors I already knew ~ so no assessment/trust building needed beforehand :) ~ who is also a qualified EMDR therapist as well as a bereaved dad, which was to turn off the [trauma] tape resulting from my daughter's death that had been running constantly round my head for the previous 3 and a half years and, at the end of which, something from the earlier incest + the 1st abusive therapy came up but, was dealt with ~ I even ended-up laughing about it. That EMDR treatment was carried out 2 and a half years before I started on my current Journey with this Counsellor and, again fortunately, my C with his experience enabled me to build-up trust gradually ~ 10 months almost, bless him ~ before he gently 'challenged' me about some [old] self-injuries/scars from cutting on my arms...saying he'd never noticed them before!...OH! I don't think so?! :rolleyes::sneaky::O_o::locktopic:...Fat chance of the latter happening, this was right at the beginning of the session and he then sat down and fixed me with his usual caring/loving and concerned/compassionate look and waited for ??? :oops:...I then had a whole hour to...during which I think I pretty much tied myself in knots trying to convince him I'd dealt with "all that stuff?!" :meh::eek::coldfeet::mask::locktopic::mask::whistling: during which he was able to gently challenge me on every obstacle I put in his way to going down this road again and at the end of which he simply said "So are you ready to take back the POWER?" :D...B4 we had a 3 wk planned break 4 me to mull 'it' over?!...OH PLEASE! :shifty::spitdummy::wtf::roflmao:...NOT! It's been a far from easy Journey since then ~ an understatement! ~ during which some of the time I've barely functioned and I've just had a major meltdown after the last session, long overdue and fortunately whilst I was still at the centre so I was taken care of. But, ultimately and the moral of this is: I feel safe and loved [appropriately] with my Counsellor; he always, always keeps the emphasis on ME, whilst working from a person-centred/integrative approach where he is fully there for me as himself; he challenges me appropriately, etc., etc.; most importantly, do I feel it is right/I'm going in the right direction? ABSOLUTELY despite the horror and trauma of it all and, bottom line is, I DESERVE TO HEAL, TOO, AS DO EACH OF YOU :))
***EMDR is just about the gentlest form of treatment/therapy going for trauma/Survivors and I would recommend it for anyone who is able to access it ~ it is like defusing the emotional 'bomb' we carry around inside us.
