Me and my husband have been together for 11 years and married for 3 years. We have been up and down in our relationship for the past 18-24 months. Lack of communication from my husband started to cause us to argue about little things that became big things and over time it has taken its toll as I have been desperately trying to communicate and work things out but with little active trying from him. Our physical relationship has also been affected and the whole situation over time has made me feel self conscious and doubt whether he loves me or not. I have felt recently that we were working through things and he was mentioning us moving house and starting a family but when I started talking about the house more recently, he got very weird about it saying that it seemed to be happening too quickly and that he was uncomfortable with that.
After so many attempts to communicate via different methods, this pushed me to feel like we needed to have a break from each other for a few days so I left the house. I felt so desperate like it was the only option left. I phoned him shortly after I left the house as I didn't really have anywhere to go and I didn't really want to leave. He decided to tell me at this point that he felt like we weren't working and that he has no motivation to fight for it anymore and that we would be better off finding other people where it could work. He also said that I deserve better and that I have gone above and beyond where he can't give this back to me. We had 2 weeks living apart and met up after that to talk about where we were both at. He said that his feelings hadn't changed, that his heart isn't in it and that he has been worn down by the cycle of the last 2 years. I keep asking why but just get the same statements which aren't fully
making sense or providing any reasoning to help me understand what is going on. I asked if it was just that he didn't love me anymore and his response was that he can't love me the way a husband should and that it isn't anything I have done it is all on him. He also said that he has changed as a person and drifted away gradually. I don't understand this as he has changed but he has changed into someone who is irritable and emotionally detached which regardless if I am in the equation or not, is not a healthy way to be for anyone. It's not like he has changed into a person who wants different things than I do now. I am convinced that his behaviour is linked to PTSD as he was exposed to a lot of trauma in the army and still does in his current job as a prison officer.
I know people can fall out of love without there being an underlying reason but I can't ignore the fact that the way he is acting is so close to the symptoms of PTSD and it plays on my mind constantly. I can't and don't believe that I should ignore it. I am still his wife and want to be there for him but can only do that if he will let me which he won't. It seems like he is on a road of self destruction.
I haven't mentioned PTSD to him as I am not sure he will be open to hearing it as he seems like he is so far down the line, he cannot see any glimmer of hope.
We are now at 3 weeks apart and I am terrified that if it is PTSD and he doesn't even know it, that the marriage is going to be lost when I know I can be there for him and understand more about the way he acts sometimes and not take it personally.
I am so confused as I don't know if I am just clinging to this possibility to avoid accepting that he may have just fallen out of love with me but when I reflect on the last few months in particular, I think about his fear of fireworks at new year (he has had this since he returned from Afghanistan but was particularly bad at new year last year) and the things he confided in me with about when he was in Afghanistan that he has never told anyone else and not even me until now and I am finding it hard not to think it is all linked and that it is clouding his ability to know what he thinks/feels and that he is just doing this to protect me because he feels so hopeless.
All the signs are pointing towards this but it is all based on assumption and second guessing so there's all possibility that I am completely wrong but that also means there's a possibility I could be right.
He started going to therapy to try and help him understand why he had no sex drive and disclosed to me that it was helping and that they were talking about things in his past that he didn't realise were affecting him. Again, this links with the potential for PTSD and I can understand why if that's bothering him then the additional pressure of communication in the relationship would ground him down to where he is now.
Although it seems like it's over from his point of view, I am still trying to just give him more space in the hope that maybe something will click one day but I can't wait forever and I don't know whether to contact him to try and talk about it again or if I just need to carry on as if this is it.
How do I approach this without putting any pressure on him? How do I work out what is actually going on? I always say go with your gut and mine is telling me something isn't right. It's early days so maybe I'm clouded by the hurt and pain I am feeling which just makes this all so much more complicated.
I am so frustrated!! I know no one else has the answers and these experiences are all individual but would be good to get other perspectives and thoughts on this especially from anyone who has been or is in a similar situation.
After so many attempts to communicate via different methods, this pushed me to feel like we needed to have a break from each other for a few days so I left the house. I felt so desperate like it was the only option left. I phoned him shortly after I left the house as I didn't really have anywhere to go and I didn't really want to leave. He decided to tell me at this point that he felt like we weren't working and that he has no motivation to fight for it anymore and that we would be better off finding other people where it could work. He also said that I deserve better and that I have gone above and beyond where he can't give this back to me. We had 2 weeks living apart and met up after that to talk about where we were both at. He said that his feelings hadn't changed, that his heart isn't in it and that he has been worn down by the cycle of the last 2 years. I keep asking why but just get the same statements which aren't fully
making sense or providing any reasoning to help me understand what is going on. I asked if it was just that he didn't love me anymore and his response was that he can't love me the way a husband should and that it isn't anything I have done it is all on him. He also said that he has changed as a person and drifted away gradually. I don't understand this as he has changed but he has changed into someone who is irritable and emotionally detached which regardless if I am in the equation or not, is not a healthy way to be for anyone. It's not like he has changed into a person who wants different things than I do now. I am convinced that his behaviour is linked to PTSD as he was exposed to a lot of trauma in the army and still does in his current job as a prison officer.
I know people can fall out of love without there being an underlying reason but I can't ignore the fact that the way he is acting is so close to the symptoms of PTSD and it plays on my mind constantly. I can't and don't believe that I should ignore it. I am still his wife and want to be there for him but can only do that if he will let me which he won't. It seems like he is on a road of self destruction.
I haven't mentioned PTSD to him as I am not sure he will be open to hearing it as he seems like he is so far down the line, he cannot see any glimmer of hope.
We are now at 3 weeks apart and I am terrified that if it is PTSD and he doesn't even know it, that the marriage is going to be lost when I know I can be there for him and understand more about the way he acts sometimes and not take it personally.
I am so confused as I don't know if I am just clinging to this possibility to avoid accepting that he may have just fallen out of love with me but when I reflect on the last few months in particular, I think about his fear of fireworks at new year (he has had this since he returned from Afghanistan but was particularly bad at new year last year) and the things he confided in me with about when he was in Afghanistan that he has never told anyone else and not even me until now and I am finding it hard not to think it is all linked and that it is clouding his ability to know what he thinks/feels and that he is just doing this to protect me because he feels so hopeless.
All the signs are pointing towards this but it is all based on assumption and second guessing so there's all possibility that I am completely wrong but that also means there's a possibility I could be right.
He started going to therapy to try and help him understand why he had no sex drive and disclosed to me that it was helping and that they were talking about things in his past that he didn't realise were affecting him. Again, this links with the potential for PTSD and I can understand why if that's bothering him then the additional pressure of communication in the relationship would ground him down to where he is now.
Although it seems like it's over from his point of view, I am still trying to just give him more space in the hope that maybe something will click one day but I can't wait forever and I don't know whether to contact him to try and talk about it again or if I just need to carry on as if this is it.
How do I approach this without putting any pressure on him? How do I work out what is actually going on? I always say go with your gut and mine is telling me something isn't right. It's early days so maybe I'm clouded by the hurt and pain I am feeling which just makes this all so much more complicated.
I am so frustrated!! I know no one else has the answers and these experiences are all individual but would be good to get other perspectives and thoughts on this especially from anyone who has been or is in a similar situation.
