General Marriage Issues - HELP!

[desperate]

I admit, I've been reading this forum for a while, but some of the recent posts about the impact of PTSD on relationships reduced me to tears and motivated me to actually register.

My husband returned from Iraq in February of 2004, a totally different person than when he left. It started out small - he just wasn't as affectionate as he used to be. But over time he has developed a HORRIBLE temper, and become unbelievably lazy and selfish. I feel like our whole existence is wrapped around making him happy.

We have two small children - I feel like THEY should be the focus. It took me a good year to talk him into seeing a doctor, and the idiot doctors on base have convinced him that all he needs are antidepressants. (The antidepressants help him control his temper...most of the time....but certainly don't solve the problem.) I've tried marriage counseling, but half the time he can't go because something is going on at work. (I'm not sure if it's my own insecurity making me think that he's just FINDING a reason not to go, but I've wondered that several times). Plus, he doesn't help out around the house AT ALL. I have a full time job as well, and still end up coming home and doing everything. There are days when he spends six hours playing video games, then gets upset because I interrupt his game and try t have a conversation with him.

My point is, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should keep trying (because I'm pretty sure his illness would get worse if I left) or just give up. And if I do keep trying, what can I do to help him without sacrificing my own emotional well-being?

 

[fin]

Desperate -keep reading here . Please

Everything I have seen and understoodtells me that combat stress, left untreated will get worse.

You are right meds alone will not help Your husband needs to work on his feelings. The anti depressants will only do so much they will not take away what is troubling him In my opinion your husband is distracting himself from focussing in ways that numb the constancy of the Pain. (I am PTSD so this is where I have come from on here)

You have to take care of your needs, and I believe in getting him real help, real Trauma focussed guidance you will also the possibilities of him learning to manage better.

PLease help yourself as well as him, he needs to see someone that knows and can take in and understand the fuller picture. His "illness" will only get worse in my opinion if he does not get help -whether you leave him or not. I am sorry, this is not meant to sound or be harsh this is difficult I do understand. Just please know that you are not alone here.

Keep trying, and take care of you to ,you have children to think of also, I know you know that. Work on something togather the information here will help you. Please know PTSD can be managed, people with it can learn to do this.

I hope this helps you desperate please take care.
~fin

 

[pebbels]

Hello Desperate:hello:It sounds to me like you already are sacrificing, until your husband acknowledges that he has problems and is correctly diagnosed there is not alot you can do, but if he is asking for space this is one thing you need to give him until you can convince him to seek another opinion. Please remember to look after you and your children, as you cant fix him, you can only support, he needs to fix and heal himself with a therapist. All the best:Hug_emoticon:

 

[desperate]

Thanks for the relplies. I know he needs space, and I try to give it to him. BUt I need things, too. How do I find that line between what he needs, and what I need? What I need is to know...at least once in a while...that my husband still gives a crap about me. It helps to read the other posts on here and see that others are experiencing the same thing. But how long should I give him to work on this before I start expecting some responsibility out of him?
I'm so freakin' confused!

 

[Vickym]

Hi Desperate,

My boyfriend is the same lazy hits the nail on the head! I cant remember the last time he washed a dish but can complain the minute he sees one dirty.

Or when he got our first dog he had to have it all about it but who cleans up after it? And now the puppy same deal. Laundry he washes and piles up on top of the washer and dryer never goes any further with it. Ugh I work fulltime take care of my kids and come home to mess after mess.

When he complains I just look at him and say calm when is the last time you washed a dish or folded the laundry you washed. I remind him the house didnt look like this before he moved in.

I feel un valued trust me! He used to make dinners for us the house was spotless. It was amazing then one day he left in his head somewhere and never came back.

I feel for you and I think a lot of us carers can relate with a lot of the same things that happen in our lives.

 

[macpayne]

Desperate... I too have a sick husband and my husband refuses to face it. Although my husband is helpful around the house I don't feel he's the man I once fell in love with. He's getting worse over time and my needs are his last priority. My husband doesn't see the light at the end of any tunnel and sometimes wishes he wasn't alive.

We have a baby girl and his effort with her is meek if at all. I know if he sought help he would be so much happier, motivated etc but, right now he's not willing.

Will I stick by and hope things get better... yes, but for how long I don't know. I give my all to our little girl and try communicating everyday with my husband in the hopes we still know who we are at the end of the week.

Since reading your post I've made my husband a Dr's appt and will be taking him hell or high water. I think we both want the best for our husbands, but where do we draw the line when they don't care to help themselves.

 

[andrea]

Hi everyone,
My husband returned from Iraq in May 2004. His Humvee got hit by an IED and he suffered many injuries, physical as well as psychological. He was medical personnel so he treated many injured soldiers, American as well as Iraqi,etc. He had a traumatic brain injury and continues to suffer migraines. It has been 5 long, difficult years. We now have 4 children, twin 7 yr old boys, a 22 month old daughter and adopting a 6 month old daughter. I need some help and support from others with a spouse with PTSD. It is soooo hard at times. He is not the same man that left. I have finally decided that it is not all me. Actually, almost all of it is not me. Anyway, thought maybe I'd get some empathy at this site.
Andrea