Supporter Married To Ptsd

[DarrenInEugene]

I have looked at this site a few time and decided to join to see if I can find some help with my situation at home. My wife is diagnosed with PTSD. She was sexually abused by her stepfather from age 4 to age 11. When we met she was in therapy, and had been for several years. She quit going about 18 months into our relationship, about six months before we got married.

Now we have been married for five years. For the second time since we've been married, my wife has started disconnecting from me. She has become incredibly nasty, rude, and disrespectful. She is, in her words, repulsed by the idea of sex with me. She has been having a lot of anxiety problems, is convinced she is always sick, and gotten really OCD about germs lately too.
Almost the identical situation happened two years ago. We separated for about six weeks. She started seeing a therapist again and it was like she made a 180 degree turn. She continued to see the therapist until about 5 months ago when we had a change in our insurance coverage.

I'm having a really hard time figuring out if she is really just wanting out of our marriage, or if it is the PTSD coming back again. I have tried to get her to go back to therapy, but she just lashes out at me for suggesting it. Like I'm "minimizing" her feelings.

We have two kids together. I love her and want to be there for her if she is sick, but I don't know how much more of it I can take. Help!

 

[john1963]

Welcome to the forum.

It' so sad to read posting like yours.

Sadest part is you are not alone. PTSD just doesn't simply go away and come back. You have it for ever.

All i can say is the out burst of mean nasty hurtfull things your wife says or does to you. Is her suffering. From my own experinces when I was having my outburst is when i was suffering in pain the most.

Untill i found what PTSD was about and the effects it had on me, is when i started to learn and heal.

Spend lots of time here and read, and keep asking.

Most of all don't give up. When she is at her worst, love her the most.

With other illness like MS, or Parkinson you can visably see the handcap. With PTSD the disorder that is visable to others is that we are assholes not just to the ones we love, but to any one near us when our minds are on melt down.

So don't give up, love here at her worst, she will push you away and be even ruder. It's a trust thing, actions speak louder than words.

Your wife has been draged to Hell, The Mother of your children is in pain and suffering. As a husband i have faith in you to go in there and get her, and drag her out of Hell. She will kick and scream all they way home.

Good luck on your healing journey

 

[Eleanor]

Hello Darren and Welcome to the forum,

I am so sorry that you and your family are suffering so acutely right now:cry:. It sure sounds like she is in the grip of the PTSD thing in a big way. This is a great place, with lots of information and support, and some painful honesty at times too. Read around. Everything.

How old are your little ones? How is she with them? My H has PTSD and dissociates (and we fight then, unless I can keep it together enough not to get dragged in) and it is hard on our 5 year old. Plus, kids are a huge stressor (see the stress cup explanation for why this is a problem). I am guessing your oldest is 4? My H's PTSD got really bad (I was treated to a serial re-enactment of his parent's breakup on weekend - kind of like dinner theater only without any of the food or fun) when my D was approaching the age where his parents split and his abuse by his mother started. He is in therapy now, and is getting a lot of relief and help. It may help her if she can see the trigger for this bout... Just a guess. Or you may have to draw the line again for her to get help. Everybody is different, you will have the best idea about what might work.

Take good care of yourself in the meantime. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Best wishes for peace and healing for you and your family.

 

[DarrenInEugene]

Thanks for all the insight. She came home last night and was very sweet. Doesn't want to get divorced, etc. She did, however, suggest the idea again of having an open marriage. Not that she wants to sleep with other people, but so I can have a romantic life without putting pressure on her. (what!?!? Like I have any interest in heating on my wife, with or without her permission)

I checked out the stress cup and it made a lot of sense. The worse her PTSD episodes are, the less she can handle of everything else.

I think the most disturbing part of this learning process for me has been finding out that many of my action, albeit well intentioned, just end up triggering her. Our anniversary was December 22nd. Leading up to it o tried to drop hints that I wanted to do something really romantic. She had already began getting distant from me and I thought a romantic re-connection would be perfect. It is what all the other marriage websites told me to do.

I think the pressure of it and the expectation of it for her to perform (that's how she describes it) just triggered her even worse. it's like at times she sees me as her abuser. Like all I really want from her is sex. Every little romantic thing I do or say she just sees as manipulation. I don't think she would admit it now, but last time she started therapy after a long break she said she was experiencing some kind of emotional transference between me and her abuser.

In any case, she has an appointment with her therapist January 4th. Glad for that.

 

[Joslyn]

Hi D! It is a great sign for me whenever I am involved with my therapy. Without it, its like I am rutterless. I have had PTSD all my life but did not get diagnosed until I was 38. I have been in therapy for 9 years and am try to stay vigilant about being honest with my therapist and I have tried different modalities as well. though I have had a career, I did go through the process of getting disability so I would have help and freedom to get as much help as I was willing to out into it.

As for the triggers it is very frustrating for me and the hardest part about my marriage. I am aware of them and I come up with ideas that, once told to my husband, he gets totally confused. I guess my point is, my progress is contingent on the effort i put into it. My husband is, like you, supportive. He knows my story in a general way, but I spare him specifics. He does mention he feels powerless at times.

Keep in mind the mental stress this disorder creates does reveal itself in physical illnesses. That is something I just learned about. It seemed I was always sick or tired. As I learned more about PTSD I understand how stress lowers the immune system. As for romantic livelihood there is a part of my PTSD that feels he deserves someone healthier. I have pushed him away many many times and it is very hard on the him, I know. you love your wife, I can tell. I know my husband is supportive and we are best friends and life mates.

I have decided to take this next year to really focus on health and learning how to communicate I notice when he and I are cooking together, sharing chores or doing simple every day things is when we are both content. When he is involved with me and the house it somehow gives me a sense of stability. Oprah once said "If you want to romance her, vacuum in your undies"!! LOL.

Just being there is a big deal, but be kind to yourself. Try some simple idea like ice cream and a movie at home or start a puzzle together. Sounds hokey, but we are trying to do quiet things that don't require too much stimulation. There will plenty of time for that, too. Oh, yesterday my husband told me, "You are my wife, I care for you and I am not going anywhere. I just want you to know that and I will say it everyday" Stuff like that give me a real sense of our life together. Just a thought Id share with ya. You are not alone. Stay in touch if you want.

 

[Eleanor]

Thanks for all the insight. She came home last night and was very sweet. Doesn't want to get divorced, etc.

PHEW! So she is out of an episode for a time. Thank heavens for that.

She did, however, suggest the idea again of having an open marriage. Not that she wants to sleep with other people, but so I can have a romantic life without putting pressure on her. (what!?!? Like I have any interest in heating on my wife, with or without her permission)

This seems to be pretty par for the course frankly. Look around at how many Sufferers say stuff like this to their partners. It is said out of guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. And if you look at it from their point of view - it seems so unfair to Burden the other person with so much and not be able to give back what you know they want/need/deserve:sick:. PTSD running unchecked is like a little death this way - and if you died and your spouse was young, you'd want them to find love again, right?

I checked out the stress cup and it made a lot of sense. The worse her PTSD episodes are, the less she can handle of everything else.

How long do her episodes last? It sounds like she is dissociating like my H does. His go on for anywhere from a couple of hours to two or (longest) four days. My sense is that some people's go on for much longer - sufferers would have a better answer for that. For me it helps to know I can wait it out.

I think the most disturbing part of this learning process for me has been finding out that many of my action, albeit well intentioned, just end up triggering her.... I think the pressure of it and the expectation of it for her to perform (that's how she describes it) just triggered her even worse. it's like at times she sees me as her abuser. Like all I really want from her is sex. Every little romantic thing I do or say she just sees as manipulation. I don't think she would admit it now, but last time she started therapy after a long break she said she was experiencing some kind of emotional transference between me and her abuser.

This is what leads me to think "dissociation". My H, when he is in an episode "forgets who I am." He misinterprets EVERYTHING I say in the worst possible light. His agenda is to get me to leave him. He is totally prickly and has a chip on his shoulder the size of Alaska that is very precariously balanced. I have a list of things he only says when he is "in it." I can't talk to him then (which has been a real problem several times.) For him it is a dramatic personality transformation - Does you wife do something similar in the context of her own trauma? Acting out bits and pieces in the present?

In any case, she has an appointment with her therapist January 4th. Glad for that.

HURRAH!

When she is feeling herself you might ask her if it would help her if you two declared a "holiday from sex for a time" since it is such a stressor for her (and you.) Take that pressure AWAY, until she has a chance to reintegrate herself. So that she knows that whatever nice sweet romantic things you do are NOT a lead up to something that is going to scare the crap out of her. Or it might make her feel just horrible. You'd have to ask her. It is worth talking about, with her and possibly a couples therapist.

 

[TLight]

I can dissociate for days on end, especially after flashbacks or a fight, which is triggering.

Sex, ick....I've done it cause I know he 'needs' it....whatever.

 

[catjudo]

Darren--
Welcome to the forum. As I'm sure you've likely found by now, there is no cure for PTSD. One can learn to manage their symptoms but there will inevitably be flare-ups of symptoms, how frequent or how severe varies from person to person. Think of it as sort of a remission...the symptoms can go away and your wife will act and appear healthy for any length of time, but eventually there will be a relapse. With therapy and a good support system, the goal is to make the remissions longer and the relapses shorter and less severe. But this is a life-long disease.

Definitely check out the Supporters area of the forum. There is a lot of great information and support to be found here. Best of luck to you and your wife.

 

[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Joslyn]

:) it's awesome you are open to learning not only how to support your wife, but in time you will find ways to get through the relapsing periods.

Just admitting I needed a diagnosis was a big step for me. For a long time I thought therapy would never help. But having learned coping skills, getting a support system and always allowing myself an "out" (even when plans have been made) has been helpful still.

My PTSD is related to sex and abuse and for years I was disconnected from enjoying with my spouse. We are not only at an age that the drive goes down a bit, but my husband and I are learning how to be comforting and intimate (pillow talk, cuddling). Sounds dry and boring not that I wrote it, but in fact its a new level of empowerment for me to want to connect eye to eye. Well, frankly, it seems to be a common thing that for me to try to push my husband away and give him an out. After ten years of marriage I am learning to accept he loves me, not only sexually, but as a person, wife, friend. It's been nice that he tells me these things, too.

2012 just may the most intriguing year of your life as you continue you journey with you wife and family.

:O:

 

[DarrenInEugene]

Eleanor- the episodes last anywwhere from a few hours to a few weeks. It seems like she gets triggered by something, and until she completely comes out of it just about anything will set her off. She seems to be in that kind of limbo period at the moment.

 

[Joslyn]

Happy 2012!!