WetJumpers
New Here
I’m a 20 yr old female and I am new to all of this so I’m not sure where to post this, but I went through something that I think could have been traumatic for me but am unsure.
Last year in September I went to a party where there was alcohol and weed. I became unable to stand after my 2nd glass of wine, which was extremely weird for me, but I was also sitting next to a friend who was smoking pot so I could have been high. My friends were lovely and rang my mum and said I was staying the night, and they put me in the spare room to sleep it off. a friend sat with me till about 11pm when she was picked up and a male said he would sit with me. No one really knew him except the host, but we were the only person who had not drunk all night.
I remember when he closed the door and sat back on the chair in the dark room and then falling asleep. I woke up to find him in the bed with me facing him and him cuddling me. I think I may have fallen back to sleep at that point because when I came too I was kissing him. I remember thinking it was a weird dream being that at the time, I had been gay for quite a while, but I felt I didn’t know how to speak. I blacked out again and I awoke to find my pants off and him on top kissing me still. He asked if it was ok, I did not reply as I thought it was still a dream and I was still only half with it as I was still drunk as heck.
It was only when he penetrated down there that I sort of woke up quickly from the sharp pain. I started to panic but I felt I still couldn’t say anything and that I was going in and out of consciousness. I remember hearing two of my friends outside the room talking to one of the mums and wanting to yell out to them. I kept panicking as I felt I couldn't stop it because I hadn’t said no. at that point I felt my body was still drunk but my brain was completely alert. when he was finished he said we should do it again sometime. I quickly got up and hid in the toilet for some time.
It was reported to police the next day where I had to tell the story over and over to male officers, which made me feel just constantly on the attack. all the tests and such were done that night in a hospital. there was a follow up with a female investigators office who was looking after my case. She told me quite a few reasons as to why I shouldn’t peruse the case, mainly because I had not explicitly said no and because I was drunk. It made me feel like it was completely my fault. I had also seen a school counsellor a few days beforehand that helped me through an assault and abuse from a friend earlier in the year, so I trusted him. he said something along similar lines which I think he later realised was the wrong thing to say, but didn’t help at the time.
I was offered counselling but the lady was demeaning and so I didn’t go back. I thought I could get through all of it on my own.
I don’t have reoccurring nightmares that I know of because I never remember them, I don’t have constant flash backs either. I do get random panic attacks, am jumpy at every noise, I feel like I don’t control my body sometimes weeks at a time like I’m watching from a distance, and that everything’s a dream. I feel like I can’t really feel happiness or love as such. like I know I love someone but I can’t feel it. I can’t remember large chunks of time and my memory is awful; just recounting that night has taken me hours and I had to re-read notes from previous interviews to remember it. I am constantly tired for no reason and am always falling asleep places. I am highly emotional now, and it doesn’t take much to make me cry. If some male yells at all, I panic even if I was expecting it. I feel shaky, like I can’t sit still at times, like I want to run, but have no energy for it. sometimes when I’m panicking, I feel like even though I’m breathing, I can’t get any air.
My current partner says that one night I woke after a night of a few drinks, having a panic attack, while yelling, saying ‘I don’t want too’ and ‘don’t touch me.’ He thinks it could have been memories from that night. I want to get better from whatever this is, because he is worried about me and its putting a strain on our relationship, even though he is so so so supportive of me.
I feel like it hasn’t really affected me as I can’t always remember it, but a lot of these things straight after it happened. I just want to know if maybe I could have ptsd just without the constant memories flash backs.
Last year in September I went to a party where there was alcohol and weed. I became unable to stand after my 2nd glass of wine, which was extremely weird for me, but I was also sitting next to a friend who was smoking pot so I could have been high. My friends were lovely and rang my mum and said I was staying the night, and they put me in the spare room to sleep it off. a friend sat with me till about 11pm when she was picked up and a male said he would sit with me. No one really knew him except the host, but we were the only person who had not drunk all night.
I remember when he closed the door and sat back on the chair in the dark room and then falling asleep. I woke up to find him in the bed with me facing him and him cuddling me. I think I may have fallen back to sleep at that point because when I came too I was kissing him. I remember thinking it was a weird dream being that at the time, I had been gay for quite a while, but I felt I didn’t know how to speak. I blacked out again and I awoke to find my pants off and him on top kissing me still. He asked if it was ok, I did not reply as I thought it was still a dream and I was still only half with it as I was still drunk as heck.
It was only when he penetrated down there that I sort of woke up quickly from the sharp pain. I started to panic but I felt I still couldn’t say anything and that I was going in and out of consciousness. I remember hearing two of my friends outside the room talking to one of the mums and wanting to yell out to them. I kept panicking as I felt I couldn't stop it because I hadn’t said no. at that point I felt my body was still drunk but my brain was completely alert. when he was finished he said we should do it again sometime. I quickly got up and hid in the toilet for some time.
It was reported to police the next day where I had to tell the story over and over to male officers, which made me feel just constantly on the attack. all the tests and such were done that night in a hospital. there was a follow up with a female investigators office who was looking after my case. She told me quite a few reasons as to why I shouldn’t peruse the case, mainly because I had not explicitly said no and because I was drunk. It made me feel like it was completely my fault. I had also seen a school counsellor a few days beforehand that helped me through an assault and abuse from a friend earlier in the year, so I trusted him. he said something along similar lines which I think he later realised was the wrong thing to say, but didn’t help at the time.
I was offered counselling but the lady was demeaning and so I didn’t go back. I thought I could get through all of it on my own.
I don’t have reoccurring nightmares that I know of because I never remember them, I don’t have constant flash backs either. I do get random panic attacks, am jumpy at every noise, I feel like I don’t control my body sometimes weeks at a time like I’m watching from a distance, and that everything’s a dream. I feel like I can’t really feel happiness or love as such. like I know I love someone but I can’t feel it. I can’t remember large chunks of time and my memory is awful; just recounting that night has taken me hours and I had to re-read notes from previous interviews to remember it. I am constantly tired for no reason and am always falling asleep places. I am highly emotional now, and it doesn’t take much to make me cry. If some male yells at all, I panic even if I was expecting it. I feel shaky, like I can’t sit still at times, like I want to run, but have no energy for it. sometimes when I’m panicking, I feel like even though I’m breathing, I can’t get any air.
My current partner says that one night I woke after a night of a few drinks, having a panic attack, while yelling, saying ‘I don’t want too’ and ‘don’t touch me.’ He thinks it could have been memories from that night. I want to get better from whatever this is, because he is worried about me and its putting a strain on our relationship, even though he is so so so supportive of me.
I feel like it hasn’t really affected me as I can’t always remember it, but a lot of these things straight after it happened. I just want to know if maybe I could have ptsd just without the constant memories flash backs.
