MB diary

[mbrady]

@Kubash16 Thanks. There are days when I do know, mentally. But emotionally relating to what you’re saying about learning my part and owning it? Man - tough stuff.

 

[Kubash16]

I get it. But for as much power in life we think we have, we really don’t have much. The only real power we have is over ourselves (our actions and reactions).

 

[mbrady]

So I’m having surgery in the morning. My tibia bone has to be repaired with pins and plates. I’m going to the hospital alone, I will go through the surgery alone, and I will be sent to hospice b/c I’m alone. All the people I poured myself into for 20 plus years won’t be there for me. Won’t be there after I’m done. Won’t be there when I get home. I asked my son if he could help me pack for tomorrow and help me get the trash to the curb so I don’t miss trash day again. He said he would come tomorrow to take care of the trash but “will not be able to make it tonight” to help me pack.
I hope I die on that table tomorrow. At least it would be better than living with this pain.

 

[mbrady]

Well the surgery went well and I’m still here. So I got that going for me. Been really trying to examine if I’m over emphasizing a poor me attitude vs accurately assessing my situation. Giving in to my weakness more and undervaluing the capacity I have for strength. I haven’t ever been alone and it’s really hard. I have always had my ex in my life for better and worse. But I’ve been giving a lot more weight to the idea that I can learn to trust myself and love me. That it may be worth it to embrace the newness and unknown-ness more and sort of let the familiar slide to the back seat.
Or it could just be the pain meds talking. Lol

 

[Kubash16]

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t really have any advice though. Just know you aren’t the only one who has felt very alone. I’m really familiar with the feeling, so I get ya.

 

[Mach123]

CSA causes the repeating cycle and it's murder to relive the stuff over and over I know. I felt like you now I'm somewhat better. I know that there is nothing I can say. I lived through what you've going through for some unknown reason. When I'm faced with what you are saying I don't know how to say anything. All I know is I remember it exactly. It actually makes me feel better because it's like saying "at least I'm not throwing up." It reminds me. Please know u can feel better. I hope u r going to a therapist as I think now that saved me but I'll never know that for sure. I'm here still that's all I know. I don't have to feel that stuff at least not right now.

 

[mbrady]

My ex left me b/c she couldn’t stand the cycle; that and she was more in love with god than me. Too bad our vows didn’t include a cycle clause. It’s so hard to think about all the good we had in life and want it to be real again, like it was. I know I’ll have to come to grips with reality soon enough.

 

[ladee]

Divorce is a process. And it's painful. and upsets our whole world. But we seek help, guidance, support, grieve, and accept. Being married is not your identity, nor is PTSD.

Becoming a man you are proud of, that will become your identity. It's hard. Life is hard. But, you can do it.

 

[mbrady]

Being married has been my identity. Right or wrong it was my identity. Which is why I’m so paralyzed right now. I put all my eggs in being a great husband. And by extension a great father. Now the one I poured my life into has a plan B. I wish there was some way for her to see how broken I am and for her to own that she did that to me. I’ve been fortifying my identity around being a great father all the more b/c of this divorce but I’m honestly stumbling in the dark about who I am and what I want. I never had a plan B.

 

[ladee]

It's been awhile since you had posted before this breakup, tho I do remember some of what you had written in the past. So, to refresh our memory, do you have PTSD?

Do you have a therapist? Because since you admitted you never had a plan B, it will be important for you to have someone to help you start making that plan ...

Even if she 'see's ' your pain, it isn't going to change the outcome of her choice.. it's much more important for you to own your pain and for yourself. Even if she does see it, you still have the responsibility to 'fix' you.

Hope you have a T and end up sharing with us that you have a Plan B and are trying to move forward. Not negating your pain, it's very important that you learn how not to be the victim here.

 

[mbrady]

Yes I have PTSD. I think when I lapsed from posting maybe the sight took down my original diary? It’s just that this divorce is what’s right in front of my face. I was hospitalized two months ago for suicidal ideation. Prior to that her biggest concern was the wellbeing of the damn pets in the house. After that she used it as a means to try to pump me for more child support. I’m not a concern for our kids to be around but she wants to fight about the dogs. Then all the sudden I’m this huge threat and have to jump through all these hoops of doctors and therapists saying I’m not a danger to myself. Which I’m doing. But she doesn’t like my therapist and is accusing him of falsifying medical reports. We saw this therapist for a while as individuals and as a couple for over a year. She doesn’t like him b/c out of all the T’s we saw this one called her out on her BS.
All the trouble and pain and evil and injustice in the city and me having thoughts of harming myself is what she’s investing thousands of dollars into fighting.
I will continue with my T. We are doing identity work right now. I will beat this and come out better; I have to live with myself and so does she. BTW the kids aren’t little they are 15 and 16. f*cking rediculous.

 

[mbrady]

Called the hotline last night. Was in a very bad place. Today was a better day. I got out of the house for 3 hours to get my hair cut and sub sandwich and some edibles. Wore me out just that little bit. Monkeying with the scooter from my broken leg in and out of Lyft rides. People-ing. Which I’m already not a big fun of let alone at or near crisis level.
The stylist at the Great Clips was phenomenal. I haven’t been taking care of myself hygiene wise, except the occasional shower. So I was overgrown like a woolly mammoth. She cleaned me up real nice. Well as nice as this mug gets any way. I tipped her $50. Made me feel really good doing something to myself for myself.