MB diary

[mbrady]

Today is another good day. I got out of the house early this am and got some groceries. I’m okay with myself today. I’m starting to care about life again. I looked at an apartment complex. It’s gonna be pricey to get moved there but it has to happen. I can’t stay here (marital home) much longer. We have an offer on the table that we are countering and quite a bit of viewing activity so hopefully it won’t be much longer to sell.
The mediator at the EEOC said one of my wrongful term mediation dates are being moved out 2 months. I’ll be in foreclosure before then. So I have offered to settle for much less. Enough to get the house of foreclosure and get me moved. If they accept it would bring swift remedy to some pretty large and lingering concerns.
My ex is still jerking me around about custody and parenting time. First the therapist that cleared me to see the kids wasn’t good enough. Then the hospital progress notes from the psychiatrist at the hospital weren’t good enough. Now they want me to go get a psychiatrist of my own and have them clear me to spend parenting time with my kids. I understand being concerned for the kids but I have been to lock down before and currently I have provided adaquate documentation that I’m better. I feel like these are all stall tactics. I’ve asked my attorney about a hearing and how a judge would likely rule in the matter. Waiting to hear back.
I continue to have upsetting dreams about my ex. I’m working hard on not romanticizing the past and glossing over all the offenses and bad treatment.
I should be cleared to work in a month and so I have till them to get a job. I hope my old company will take me back. That would be ideal.

 

[ladee]

Sounds like you are being a lot more accepting and positive about these huge life changes. It does help to move things along.

Hope things work out for you to be able to move and get your job back.

 

[mbrady]

Night time is the worst. My mind is all ready to go home from work and see my family, tell them I love them. I’m okay. I’m stable. I’m not in danger. I’m worthy and things will be better soon.

 

[mbrady]

Yesterday was a good day. I met with my old boss from before I went to the hospital and he’s open to hiring back.

 

[Kubash16]

Yesterday was a good day. I met with my old boss from before I went to the hospital and he’s open to hiring back.

That’s great!

 

[ladee]

That is good news!!!

 

[mbrady]

Ugh migraine tonight. Grrrr

 

[ladee]

Lots of self care mb, stay hydrated and take meds if you have them, and hopefully it will pass soon.

 

[mbrady]

I had some f*cked up dreams last night about my abuser. Not sure if it was flashback or what but he grabbed me and pushed me up against the kitchen cabinets with his evil beady little eyes glaring at me. When he began to yell at me all I heard was my name and then it got so loud I couldn’t hear anything. My bones were rattling, my vision was shaky like I was standing under a jet taking off. And then I felt my mind just shut down as if something died in me. I couldn’t move I couldn’t hit him or fight back in any way; I was paralyzed yet I felt everything. It was all precipitated by me asking who ate some of my chocolate. Other family were there but did nothing. I woke up before he was finished with me.
I started EMDR therapy about a year back or so and was seeing results but then lost my job/insurance and couldn’t afford it anymore. I’m concerned that the work we were doing kinda cracked the lid to Pandora’s box and the dragon is out and can’t be put back. Mixing metaphors I know but still. He warned me that the therapy could highlight repressed memories so it’s not so much a shock as it is a very present and frightening reality.

 

[ladee]

The good news is, you have the possibility of getting your job back. So you will then have insurance again and be able to finish what was started.

Nightmares, flashbacks, they are very real in the moment. Hope you use some grounding skills coming out of those feelings. Glad you shared. It doesn't feel so huge when we realize we aren't alone on this healing journey.

And ya, it sucks we have to go back and do this again, but once it is behind us, those memories do not have the power to paralyze us anymore.

It's very frightening to have these dreams as an adult. It throws us back into being helpless children. But in reality, you aren't helpless now. You have the power to heal these memories, and become the man you want and deserve to be.

 

[mbrady]

I used distraction. My go to lately. And I was able to talk myself through who and what I am today.
I need to get a psychiatrist lined up. For meds and evaluations of mental/emotional fitness. I met a guy who is a trauma therapist while I was on lock down. He said I could see him after I got out but hasn’t returned my calls. So I’m still looking.

 

[ladee]

Good for you! Being proactive is always going to help. And I use distraction a lot myself.

And good for you to keep searching for a T that will get on board and help you get back on your feet!!!

It's good to see you focusing on yourself, and not other people who are upsetting you. We can change us, we can't change others and that is very empowering.. Good to see you doing better and taking actions that work for you!!