Meekly Saying "hello"

[Marcella]

Hi, I'm Marcy.

I have a double layer of PTSD here...I was forcibly hospitalised when I was 19--that would be 2005-- (I'm manic depressive), and during that hospitalisation, was repeatedly assaulted by a fellow patient.

I kind of let that go untended, but then in late 2009, I was date-raped. The fact that I knew this man made it harder for me, made me feel more disgusted with myself.

I didn't leave the house for weeks. Eventually, my psychiatrist prescribed Valium, which helped me to function again.

I immediately started seeing a rape counselor through a state grant, but I couldn't stand her, so I stopped seeing her after four visits.

I've continued with my life, going to school, teaching preschool, interacting with friends and family, with occasional flashbacks. Until recently...

...the anxiety and flashbacks started coming several times a day, and all day. It turns out, I had developed a tolerance and a dependence on the Valium, which my Dr. is now weaning me off of, causing me to go through MASSIVE benzodiazepine withdrawal.

My life is full of panic, I feel like a hunted rabbit, like I'm going to run into the man who raped me at the grocery store or on the bus.

I've attempted suicide twice since the flashbacks started again and the Valium stopped working and...I don't know where to go from here.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Marcy, Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through but you did a great job on your first post. Has your Dr confirmed PTSD? If possible the help of a therapist trained in trauma is invaluable.

Read the articles on the home page and posts by other members, they are a big help.

I've found friendship and understanding here. I realise that I'm not alone and my symptoms do not mean that I am mad (also confirmed by my T)

(((HUGS))) if you accept them
KP

 

[Marcella]

KP,
Yes, my psychiatrist has confirmed PTSD. I'm actually going to start seeing a therapist who's trained in EMDR...we'll see how that goes.

I've been reading other posts, I'll read the articles as well.

Thank you for your welcome.

 

[KP the nut]

I also have EMDR, it is tough but I think I am making progress. Good luck with it.

We are a friendly bunch here, support is always available. I hope you feel as at home here as I do.

Take care
KP

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello Marcy
Welcome to the forum

Finding the right therapist can be very hard, but don't give up trying to find the right one for you.. it will be worth it.
There's loads of information here, and support. There are also threads about EMDR in the therapy section, or just type EMDR into the search box (top right). Good luck

 

[blueangel371115]

I hear ya. I've been there. I even googled the guy who assaulted me to convince myself he wasn't here. I'm between therapists as I left an abusive situation. I take it a day at time.

 

[Marcella]

I just had my rapist pop up as a "person you might know" on Facebook. I don't even know how to process that.

 

[KP the nut]

I just had my rapist pop up as a "person you might know" on Facebook. I don't even know how to process that.

Sorry time differences, it is now the next day so not really a help buut...

Ouch, that must hurt and v hard to deal with. If you know grounding/coping techniques this is the moment to make use of them.

Also use the shoutbox and see if anyone is around or PM a member who is online and has responded to you in the past. If I am around you are welcome to catch my attention.

Take care
KP

 

[Srain]

Marcella welcome to the site, it's good to have you :)
Do you know about the CPTSD site? You might want to check that out as well.
[DLMURL]http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/[/DLMURL]

it's nice to meet you

Rain

 

[Marcella]

Rain,

No, I hadn't heard of that forum. Would I fit better there? I don't want to intrude.
Marcy

 

[blueangel371115]

you fit both here and there. I speak for myself but I'm sure the others feel the same. You aren't intruding. We just want you to get well so you'd benefit from that forum also. I forgot to add. I'd make sure you block him on facebook just to be safe. I'd hate to have him contact you.

 

[Marcella]

Thank you, I'll register there there as well.