Memories Causing Anxiety

[Philippa]

I just remembered something this guy I know, who I have been sleeping with for over a year and a half, as a 'friends with benefits' relationship, said to me a while ago. He said he has PTSD and ADD, and I know he is pretty manipulative and can be rather offensive, infact I've questioned for ages why I even spend time with him, except that he had been there for me through some hard times...though he has also caused some of those hard times as well...so...

Anyway, I just remember he said to me "You're not cultured...you're just a slut" and laughed. There was no context, he just randomly said it, and then when I called him on it, he just said he was joking and I need to get a sense of humor, which I know is all about domination and I've copped that one most of my life. If I have such a terrible sense of humor, why is it that the people I know laugh and tell me I'm funny amd I laugh along with them at stuff, but people like him think that if I don't laugh at his totally unfunny "jokes" which are really insults, then I'm the one with the problem.

Now I just say "I have a great sense of humor...you're just not that funny" and I've said this to him lots of times. He never takes it seriously and keeps saying crap stuff like that.

I know he has just taken advantage of the fact that he knows that he is the only one I know in the city who is close...it's a convenience thing, and yes, I'm aware that it's not too smart of me...but I've been through so much and I was on my own for it, so it's nice to be able to have someone nearby that I can go to for a cuddle if I need one. I just don't like the way he acts like it gives him the right to be an ass, and I've said it to him heaps of times. I stand up to him every time he says something assoholic, and he has adapted somewhat...which is why I haven't totally dismissed him.

We both know that we aren't right for each other, and I'm sure he probably thinks that I'm boring because I don't talk about flamenco guitar or talk very much, being introverted...though I can once I get started on a subject that I'm really interested in.

Are there any other things I can say to him that would make him get it through his head that it's not cool to say offensive shit like that to me, and then blame me for not laughing at it. I mean, honestly.

 

[Heather]

I think you answered your own question you're already told him that it's not cool to say offensive shit like that to you and then blame you for not laughing, honestly....time to find another guy. Believe me there's plenty out there. Especially if you're just looking for friends with benefits they are a dime a dozen. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!! SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[KP the nut]

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!! SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heather I agree.
It is not easy though. If we are told we're crap enough we believe it. We're NOT crap. We are brave, caring, independant (sometimes), good at different stuff, thoughtful, loving...................................
Be at peace with yourself
Good luck
KP

 

[Philippa]

Thanks guys.

It's actually ending the friendship that I have the real trouble with...I've tried to end it twice now, and he keeps working his way back in because he has no one else. He's just one of these people that will inevitably end up alone becasue no one can handle him for very long. It's sad really.

I know he needs me, and I've stood up to him so many times, and he still says stuff to try and bring me down and make me insecure, like him, and ruin my self-esteem 'cos he can't handle that I actually HAVE some.

I just want to change my number, and when I move I won't be telling him where, though he thinks he's gonna be helping me move. I'm just gonna pay a removalist instead, it's worth it for not feeling like I owe him or that I have to recognize all the nice stuff he does...and he is very generous in many ways...but I just can't put up with the other bbehavior. I've told him once, I've told him twice...three strikes and your out. Everyone knows that!