Memories Of Abuse But No Good Memories

[Bird33]

I have very clear and vivid memories of a lot of the abuse I went through as a child but I don't remember very many other things including what my house was like or the school I went to or teachers I had. I don't remember anything of those things until high school. Do other people have the same problem?

 

[Milo's papa]

I do. All I remember of my childhood was either being abused or watching someone else in the house being abused. I'ts a horrible way to grow up, having only memories of abuse. I even tried hypnosis to see if that would help. there just isn't anything else there.

 

[Friday]

My stuff is later on. Past childhood.

I lost my good memories along with the bad when I closed a chapter on my life. Somewhere roughly 5-7 years (17-23). Not repressed or missing, simply rather firmly compartmentalized elsewhere. When my compartments started to break down? All I had were the bad. The gutting. Grief. Revenge. Rage. Despair. Guilt. Pain. Loss. Fury. Wracked with them. Spent 2 years trying to shove the damn things back in the box where they belonged.

Then I got desperate. I had to go do a thing, which meant I had to remember pieces, and since I couldn't without becoming an absolute wreck? I did a lot. Because that's what I do. When a thing wrecks me, I do it over and over and over until I can get it "right" at best, boring at worst. Loses it's grip. What has worked in the past on other things not so raw, so might as well try it here. Brought the damn things out and shook them out & talked bits of them though with a few people... And the most extraordinary thing happened... The good memories started fallin through, too. Good memories. Laughter. Happiness.

They come all unexpected, the good memories. And they don't come alone. Bad memories, also. Flashbacks crop up a lot more frequently, as do nightmares and all the rest.

I can't remember the good, without also remembering the bad.

The bad? They're sharp enough I don't want to keep them around. Firmly push them back. But when I have to let the bad out, the good come too.... in time. The bad memories are a car chase, crashing though. The good memories are the responsible motorists pulling over, and waiting to drive on until all the hubbub has passed and things have settled, waiting at the lights, merging patiently, using their signals... Plodding along at the speed limit, instead of like bats out of hell blundering through, trailing carnage.

 

[Bird33]

@Milo's papa I am sorry to hear you only have the abuse memories too. It is very frustrating to be able to remember all that stuff and nothing good.
@FridayJones I am glad your good memories came out eventually although it is horrible you have to have all the nightmares and flashbacks of the bad stuff with it. I was hoping I would hear that the good memories eventually come back. There is still hope maybe.

 

[Hideycave]

I can also relate to this, my good memories feel faded and worn, the bad are much richer in feeling and sensation, although i may have blocked images away the moment they occurred.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have a couple of stretches in time of my life like that. I agree with @FridayJones 's description; I think of the screaming negative memories, the good ones are quite silent. (Whether it be because of encoding, or a fact of trauma, or state dependent, Idk).

I once did an exercise (30 weeks, ? I can't recall). Sometimes I could only remember one memory or two from a whole stretch of time. At least some happy/ positive/ neutral ones came up that I otherwise wouldn't have remembered.

I am experiencing something disturbing lately, but to a certain degree I can recognize why. My lack of trust feelss through the roof. Idk if it's self-sabotage or founded. What I do know however is that it definitely triggers me to memories where my trust was shattered. But that's not the real problem with the trigger. The trigger (this much I know) is that I'm associating the struggle with trusting & trying to process information, with the end result of trusting & abuse following. I am having trouble remembering good memories from the relatively recent past or present now too. I am wondering if it is not just focus but because of the triggers a certain amount of hypervigilance?

That being said, I therefore may be creating (unintentionally) a time when if I look back to this I will remember nothing too. I also just don't want to live this way. One has to trust or not but you have to decide what to choose. I'm not finding logical reasons to trust, yet my mistrust & memory suppression may be affecting that. I know (logically) it can't be/ isn't so that there are only bad memories. But if I'm wrong (that feels) it could be deadly. :( The triggers make me (very) afraid. That is the core issue. Self-protection for my own safety's sake & avoidance. Lots of fear. Fear more than anything. I don't feel necessarily entitled to protection or avoiding abuse or trust being 'ok', but I don't want to re-experience what I have.

Not sure if that makes any sense whatsoever?

 

[Ronin]

I learned to cherish my bad memories. And a good deal of those exceptionally bad, because they've shown me I care, and am helluva better person than I give myself credit for. (Along side helluva worse person than I'd wish to be, but that's a direction & directive for the future.)

Dislike them coming back as reliving, but as memories? Heyy and welcome home, now stick close to me, things.

But then, I was at multiple points I forgot or deliberately forgot or had to forget most of my life / people dear to me, and memory is one of those things I cherish so much because of it. Oblivion not only sucks, but disturbs about every aspect of life, and using the chaos to one's advantage? Still isn't anywhere close to order.

 

[Bird33]

@Hideycave i am sorry you have had the same experience.
@Junebug it does make sense and I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. What do you think is going on that is causing you such a hard time trusting? Is it something you are working on now or a memory that has come up?
I definitely think the hypervigilance can cause problems with your memory because you are so focused on the moment and fear is high you cannot process or retain anything else.

 

[Tinyflame]

I learned to cherish my bad memories. And a good deal of those exceptionally bad, because they've shown me I care, and am helluva better person than I give myself credit for.

Wow @Cashew , what a remarkable way to look at it, never thought of it as reflective (in any 'good' way) of character. :wideeyed: .Thank you so much! :hug:

But then, I was at multiple points I forgot or deliberately forgot or had to forget most of my life / people dear to me, and memory is one of those things I cherish so much because of it. Oblivion not only sucks, but disturbs about every aspect of life, and using the chaos to one's advantage? Still isn't anywhere close to order.

OMG, this is so true ^ @Cashew . I mostly didn't do it deliberately, because my mind could remember the not-so-good people easily & with clarity. I think the 'blocking' came from too much pain. Heart-pain, I mean. (Yikes what are the words.? :rolleyes: :tdown: )

What do you think is going on that is causing you such a hard time trusting? Is it something you are working on now or a memory that has come up?

Dear @Bird33 ! Thank you for kindness. Yes I figured something out today, 2 triggers! (Miraculous as it takes me months or I never figure it out). I don't want to derail your thread, but just to say it was/is 2 things: the terrible feeling of fear/ panic that I have missed something in protecting someone else who is vulnerable, not just physically but other ways (in this case not disclosing info about an experience with a co-worker, & by extrapolation 'feeling' mistrust too as regards a person who knows them). I just recognized that today; my own abuse or suffering never bothered me as much as I had to ensure safety for others' sakes, I was/ am great at making myself the 'target', that was wht I needed to accomplish. And for the record, I minimize, so I don't want to say something negative about another person- it causes me great distress. So it's the feeling of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The second is stupid but true: I've had a guy at work- a bus driver, lately he's been stopping no matter where I am to pick me up, even for 1/2 block. At first I thought he must have seen how tired I was & that was really nice/ sweet. Then I thought it was too hot (weather). Etc Etc. And it's likely those things/ a nice person. The trouble is I had a 'bad date' with a bus driver, hence the trigger (he said it was 'because I smiled at him' = my fault- even though he asked me to go out for 7 months & I didn't. FWIW, I've gone out with lots of bus drivers- I don't drive so it's just natural. But it's a trigger- stupid). I am doing everything in my power to avoid it but can't change the time of my break (at work). and can't run any faster. Even tried to walk with a cigarette (can't get on), didn't work he said get on anyway. Funny, there's either never anyone else on the bus (that is strange in itself because it is rush hour), or one guy who is mentally slow.

I won't write any more of this (my) cr*p, just to point out the wonderful thing is realizing this today, that horrible oppressive fear has reduced a lot. Like water going down the drain when the plug is pulled. Amazing/ crazy how the mind can 'think' on it's own tracks & cause such stuff.

I definitely think the hypervigilance can cause problems with your memory because you are so focused on the moment and fear is high you cannot process or retain anything else.

Yes ^. Thank you for that. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

@Junebug, you're quite welcome. ;)

OMG, this is so true ^ Link Removed . I mostly didn't do it deliberately, because my mind could remember the not-so-good people easily & with clarity. I think the 'blocking' came from too much pain. Heart-pain, I mean. (Yikes what are the words.? :rolleyes: :tdown: )

Heart-pain makes perfect sense to me though. My mother tongue has heaviness of the heart / sadness of the heart as an expression for everything from sadness to depression to grief to suicidal rage so I-can't-anymore, so heart-pain? Makes perfect sense to me, linguistically and emotionally.

And I relate to blocking when things get too hard. Darn useful things our brains do to still keep us alive/functional even when not particularly super well.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

My memory is compartmentalized. When I have access to the good, I can't remember the bad. But then there are moments where my mind shifts and suddenly I have access to the bad and not the good. I can't seem to control this. It happens at whim, and then my mood follows. And, I know that there is stuff in there that I have amnesia for. I know because I'll have these intense flashbacks, in therapy or otherwise, that leave me feeling harrowed and awful. But afterwards, I have no memory whatsoever for the flashback, just that a a chunk of time (upwards of an hour, sometimes) is gone, and I know what people tell me about my actions in that time.

It's all so very disconcerting.

 

[Bird33]

@theshadowoftheliving that must be very disconcerting. You must be dissociating during the flashback. Has your therapist tried to ground you or bring you back when you are having one?