Memory Loss

[Queen Boudica]

This is so weird I am not sure I can explain it and I can't believe it has happened.

My sister died of an overdose after years of psychiatric treatment for the trauma that my mother put her through.

I just discovered a casette tape today. On that casette tape was like a spoken letter from my sister. I had no memory of that tape. Listening to it, it is like everything she said is the first time she said it to me.

She is describing how she wants to get back in contact with me. I had cut off contact with her. But the thing is I had no memory of cutting off contact until I listened to the tape.

It really is like the first time I have listened to it, even though I must have listened to it before. And I know I must have listened to it. Some of the things she says on it have bought back complete memories about that time that I had no recollection of at all.

And on it she is telling me how sorry she was for behaving so mean to me when she was a child. How nice I was to her and how supportive. How I tried to help her. She describes how she was so mean because she was angry and that anger was from my mum who was so angry.

She describes how our mum was controlling and tried to control the 2 of us, but that I escaped because my mum managed to control her instead by putting her in a mental assylum.

She describes how my mum made her write the horrible letters to me that made me cut of contact (but I had no memory of the letters or cutting off contact)

This is all such important stuff. Stuff that I have been remembering about my childhood but had thought that it could not have been that bad. Yet she is confirming it. BUT I had no memory of it. How could I have buried something so important?

And the worse thing is she is talking about reconciling and getting on with our lives, but she was dead a few months later.

And the worse thing is I know I would have contacted her after that tape but I have no memory of it at all. I was trying to find old telephone records to confirm if I did contact her. I would not have met up with her as I was terrified of seeing my mother again, but I would have phoned her. Yet I have no memory of any contact with her till her death.

But my husband says I did have contact with her, I did speak to her over the phone. He remembers this. How can I not remember this? How can I not have remembered the tape and her last months alive. I have just brief tiny whispers of a memory that I did speak to her but I can't bring back anymore than that.

It is really disturbing to me. Either I am a really horrible person and did not contact her, or I have no memory of events before her death. Is that possible?

What else could I have forgotten about? I am so confused. How could this happen?

 

[OKRADLAK]

That is very sad. I do have terrible memory issues after the second trauma. I felt a huge wave of liquid go over my brain..........one of those physical feelings associated with PTSD and after that things were very different. I thought I had a stroke. I had an MRI. Nothing wrong at all. I have bought clothes and no memory. I see people and no memory. They know me!!

Even worse, I see someone I used to know, and there must have been a bad interaction because I go up to them like an old friend and they look at me all mad. That happened like 2 times, no a lot, but after pausing, I remembered that they were part of a group I used to go to when I was all non-communicative and out of it. So they remembered me how I was in a phase. No Memory!! Until I really scrounged and paused and thought.

 

[Sazza]

Lizio sounds like you have been through it and are struggling with this at the moment. I'm no expert but the mind is a very powerful thing, when we experiencing trauma it is possible for our mind to completely block out things it's a protective thing. The way I understand it is we can struggle to recall events, conversations anything that exceeds our ability to cope can be buried deep. We may not totally forget and this is why memories such as your tape may trigger vague thoughts that you have heard it before but you may not be sure as all the pieces of events in your head have been locked away and it's like piecing a jigsaw back together again.

Not sure if this makes sense it's just the way I see it, I do believe we can forget to an extent and even convince ourselves that certain things never occurred.

Hope you find some support dealing with this.

Sazza

 

[Anna]

That is really terrible indeed. I have heard when you experience something very traumatic, your brain blocks or forgets the memory like a blackout to protect you as it cannot deal with it.
I hope you find help as well. It is certainly terrible when you find something like this and cannot recall why or when.