Met someone with same name as abuser, sent me into a spiral

[-lemurlibs91-]

A few days ago, I found out that someone I know has just started going out with a guy with the same name as the guy who I guess you/I might say abused me. (I don't know I can't say it - it's not really relevant anyway).
It has somehow sent me into a downward spiral, but until today I had no idea why, I couldn't work out why I was having such a bad time.

I hadn't washed, combed my hair or brushed my teeth since I found out (4 days) and didn't do it until my boyfriend managed to persuade me to. I keep crying randomly, I want everyone to go away but I feel incredibly alone, and I just want to stay in bed. Every day is exhausting and my hypervigilance has gone into overdrive, I jump at people speaking to me mid conversation and then burst into tears apologising to them.

I didn't realise until today that I think the reason I've been struggling so much is that it has really made me feel unsafe. I'm worried that the person I know is unsafe....even though I know logically it isn't the same person. But because I have blanks over faces from the trauma, I can't PROVE it's not the same person and so I can't reassure myself at all. I eventually acknowledged what it was that was bothering me today and told my boyfriend, I then attempted going out on my own which resulted in me throwing a tantrum, crying, swearing and unable to cope with anything being different from routine.

Oddly enough 6 months ago this friend fell out with me, over her making false claims and also breaking my confidence in public (ironically, about me having flashbacks) and for only the second time in my life, I have totally and intentionally cut ties with someone and I am STILL angry with her (anger at someone else is very very new to me). So it is also confusing me that I am worried about her.

Has anyone else ever felt like this when encountering people with the same name as someone involved in their trauma? How the hell do I get out of this spiral?!

 

[420kitty]

This used to happen to me all of the time in the beginning. (domestic abuse also)
I would literally shut down or on the other spectrum freak the fk out; if I heard his name or saw men that dressed like him. I think it was because that it brought back all of the shit that I didn't want to think about. I was also extremely angry whereas before the trauma I wasn't an angry person. I worked on it for 2 years now and I just cringe when I hear the name with a slight day dream of me killing him. Still working on it though. It's hard and sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully your new bf is understanding. :) Best of wishes on your journey to healing! ~hugs~

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Definitely still happens with me. Someone has the guys name and I instantly assume he is a horrible abuser, wants to hurt people, logically not every person with abusers name is that, but I can't help thinking that. I avoid the person, am suspicious of them, never use their name when speaking about them, can't stand to hear it. I am terrified of people with the same name or if the look alike or dress like him. You aren't the only one :hug:

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

It's reassuring that other people feel similar to the way I feel. It's horrible isn't it. And it's almost harder knowing that you're being irrational and feeling badly towards someone who could well be innocent, and yet being seemingly unable to override the automatic response.

I have a similar reaction to when someone resembles him...the problem is I don't actually KNOW what he looks like anymore. My brain seems to have blocked it out apart from in very specific flashbacks which I then can't fully recall, so although I know his height/roughly what is hair looks like/how he dresses etc., I never really know for sure what his face looks like. And yet it still manages to haunt me :facepalm::rolleyes:

Right now I wish I felt angry or something, but I don't...I just feel incredibly unsafe, with a massive sense of dread, along with anxiety and panic about everyone and everything. I can feel it escalating but I just don't know how to stop it.:wtf::nailbiting::bawling::hungover:

 

[420kitty]

I give myself 'pep' talks. Like, it's all in the past and it's probably not that person anyway. I just breathe and try to calm down.