Middle Ground Of Scapegoat Or Golden Child?

[shimmerz]

All clear @illusionist ! Poor management on my part!

 

[scout86]

@FridayJones , I have a theory and would like your take on it.

In a "normal" family, kids are accepted as they are, maybe with the hope that they can grow to the best possible version of themselves? And maybe they are appreciated and valued for who they are too? And maybe their parents are interested in finding out who they are? And maybe even enjoy doing that? Best of all possible worlds?

And then, kind of the flip side of that, un some "abnormal" families, there are just things that kids are expected to be, no matter what they actually are? And, if what they actually are gets in the way of that, the kid is a problem? Maybe THE problem?

 

[Friday]

@scout... Essentially, yes. :) With the following changes;

- In an ideal family. In a normal family there are more struggles and challenges and expectations and life stuff. None of which are abusive or neglectful. Just the normal stuff that crops up in everyone's lives. Most parents work really, really hard for the ideal. Sometimes we get it. Even if just for moments here and there. But more often we're winging it towards a solid not f*cking up too badly. Which still isnt abuse or neglect.

- It's never the kids that are the problem, regardless of what assholes who shouldn't be put in charge of goldfish might think.

***

I'm going to be backing out of this convo for now, though. i generally try and avoid childhood threads... Because while my childhood was glaringly happy / I can talk about normal shit all day long, and the first half of my son's life was about as close to ideal as I could get it / might seem all academic or detached on my side of this street but... He's spent the past 3 years being violently abused, and has 6 more years to go. Since he's already made 2 serious attempts in that last year, and his "father" has almost killed him more times than I can count (out of spite or negligence) in the past 3? Well. The odds aren't in his favor. Hard subject, anything childhood. All the f*cked up terrible things my ex's family does? They do to my kid. Right now. Last week. Next week. The things people here are recovering from? I'm watching them break him with. What roles he's "supposed" to be filling, or I am, or anyone? So f*cked up. So I share when I can, anything that might help from straddling this line, but... Very hard subject. And my self control isn't very good around it.

Best of luck @shimmerz. Not being who they wanted you to be? No matter how much you wanted to be that for them? You don't fit in those molds because you aren't f*cked up like they are. Strength of spirit pushes your outside those boxes, and outside of those static roles. The roles they invent aren't real. They're ways to control. To squish someone in a box, Instead of handing them a belt of boxes to reach things up out of as use as needed. We all have these facets within us... The Learner, The Rebel, The Thinker, The Helper, The Artist, The Comedian, The Practical One, The Dissenter, The Sweetheart, The Fighter, The Polite One, The Mouthy One... Dozens of roles. Squishing your child into one box? Instead of teaching them when to use any of these tools and facets of personality that we all have in different ratios? Is deliberately crippling them. Makes them easy to control and to manipulate. Tricks them into thinking they have to be something, instead of already possessing all of them.

Whats in between Golden Child & ScapeGoat? Everything. Every role you'll ever need or want.

 

[scout86]

Thanks!

@FridayJones , clearly your son ought to be with you and this situation is one of those "what's wrong with this universe???" situations. A friend of mine, speaking of horses, says that no matter what you do with them, under stress the revert to the first thing they learned. We're usually discussing problems, but I think the same applies to GOOD things they might learn. That, having known unconditional love, he has that resource somewhere inside, even if it's buried pretty deep, and he can get some help for it.

Thoughts and prayers for you both! And for all the other kids out there in similar circumstances. :(

 

[intothelight]

We don't fit in boxes. We wear tool belts.

Exactly!!! That is how healthy families operate and it is what makes them more resilient to tragedy or trauma.

 

[Kintsugi]

I can't read this whole thread right now, although I appreciate it, because my headspace is bad for too much thinking on this at the moment. I just wanted to say @Hope4Now That was INCREDIBLE at the top of the thread. Thank you.

 

[shell]

I was the scape goat, my oldest brother the golden child, and my twin brother he was the invisible child, and if he dared to be seen he was at risk of joining the other child, and it could swing either way. At least I accepted I was hated, and wrong in her eyes, and avoided her where as he clung fiercely to that need to be accepted, and loved, and still keeps trying to get love from a stone.

 

[joeylittle]

Everyone has roles. We assume them, within groups, whether we intend on it or not. I think it's how humans socialize.

Big difference between a role and an assignment. An assignment is something give to you, by someone else, based on what they need from you.

Healthy social groups (and I'd include functional families in this) are made up of groups that have roles - and they swap roles as needed. But power-dynamic-driven social groups (dysfunctional families, bad friendships, etc.) have someone of status who has assigned roles to members of the group.

When that member doesn't fulfill their role, they are punished, either directly (verbally, physically) or passively (neglect, ostracizing)

If you look at other groups of mammals, you'll see this at play as well. And to be honest, I'm not sure any group doesn't have moments of dysfunction, because it's a thing that happens. But healthy groups can navigate that.