Janedo5513
New Here
Hello Everyone,
My name is Megan and I live in central FL. I feel kind of ashamed joining this site. After what my mother-in-law said that I may have PTSD with all my symptoms, I feel there are more out there that has it worse than me. My husband is active duty military, and when I hear PTSD, I always refer it from war/field related injuries/experiences.
I have a history of depression, it runs in my family. I have been on all types of anti-depressants since the age of 12. What really set me off was February 12,2015. My world had crashed and what I knew was turned upside down. At that time, I was teaching about 45 minutes away from where I lived. That weekend, my mother and I had a shopping fun weekend. She was helping me with my kids and making sure that they all had a white bags so they could swap Valentine's Day cards. I wanted to make sure no kid was left out and the bag being white, so they could decorate it.
My mom was my best friend. She lived on 2.9 miles from me but we would talk on the phone at least a minimum three times a day. Sometimes it would be 5 or even 8! She was helping me at my house while I was teaching up until Tuesday. I had a night class that night and had to drive back. We were on the phone for over 45 minutes! Wednesday, I never heard from her. This sometimes happen when she is in pain (she had ALS since 1997 among other health problems). I texted her again that night but got the voicemail. So the next day, while driving to work, I called and left a message stating if I didn't hear her by a certain time, that I will have a well being check done. I actually had this done once and she got pissed! So anytime I mention it, she always call back right away. While this is happening, I have been trying to contact my husband who is active duty and works in a classified area where they are not allowed to bring in cell phones and he wasn't at his work desk.
I told my co-teacher what was going on. When the time came for me to call (the kids were exchanging their cards), I stepped outside and I called the local police and told them what was going on and would like a well being check. They assured me that they will call once the officer is there. By this time, we started having our Valentine's Day party for all of the fourth graders.This was outside where they could have pizza and juice. I had let my other fourth grade team know what was going on. They kept telling me to just go. Since it was my first year, I was afraid this would get me in trouble. So one of the teachers, took me by the hand and we went to our Vice-Principal and I told her what was going on. She said "GO," the co-teacher could take over my class since there wasn't much left to do for the rest of the day. I packed all of my stuff up. Tried my husband again, even emailing him.
Once I hit the freeway, the officer called. He confirmed her vehicle is there and he can hear he dog barking. I told him to just go in. He was waiting for maintenance to come and open the door.
A few minutes later, I got the call. He asked if I was on my way. I said I was but wanted to know what the hell is going on. He said he hated doing this over the phone but he was sorry to announce that my mother is deceased. By this time, I've already pulled over on to the shoulder. I lost it. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do. I said "I want my husband." I told him I haven't been able to get a hold of him and told him with what unit he was with. He said he will get a hold of him. Later did I know the base commander was notified and they tracked him down. I called my teaching group crying and letting know what happened. They told me to stay there, while someone will pick me up and take me back to where my mom lived. It felt like a lifetime getting there but once I did, I was met up with my husband, a friend's mother and the police officer. All I could do was cry in to my husband's arms. My mind was telling me that she had died but my heart couldn't accept it. So I insisted that I wanted to see her. They told me that she died in her sleep but her eyes were wide open. She also had vomit on the side of her mouth. I know she wasn't in the greatest of health but I keep thinking she had aspirated on her own vomit in the middle of the night and died.One of her wish was never to have an autopsy. I kept telling them that her eyes need to be closed and I tried. My husband had to pull me back and I just kept repeating her eyes need to be closed. The officer asked if we have a preference for a funeral home. I was just numb and said I don't care but she wanted to be cremated. So the officer put in some calls. She was picked up at 3:00 PM by the funeral home.
My Mother-in-Law came the next day along with my husband's Aunt. My dad flew in the next day as well. Two days later, my Father-in-Law also came down. She had no will (which actually helped us for the state of Florida due to her debits). She lived in an apartment, so we had two days to pack it up and move it out. She already paid for that month but we had to do it quick since we had all the manpower we needed. Her car was a lease that was also in my name. So I had to keep making payments.
For about six months, it felt like I was in a mental fog. If that makes sense. While the world kept going, I just felt like I was just trying to live day to day. Now that mental fog is over, I am remembering more and more of that day. I get flashbacks and see her in that bed all the time. I was her caregiver since I was 12 after my dad didn't want to stick around with my mother's diagnosis of ALS. This was in 1997 but you would have never known she had it and the days before, nothing was out of the ordinary.
I have extreme guilt. I should have been there. I always took care of her and I couldn't save her. My depression has gone from manageable before her death but now I just stay in bed for days at a time. It is my safe zone. I avoid places or thing that remind me of her. My anxiety is out of control. I get panic attacks almost every day. If a store or a place is crowded, I can't do it. If I am in a store, and it suddenly gets crowded, I have to leave or I will start a panic attack. I have been seeing my psychiatrist since 2010 when I tried to commit suicide. I am also seeing a grief counselor but I think she's a quack. I just want to be average again with my emotions. Just thinking of doing errands, makes me emotionally and physically exhausted. At this point I don't see things getting better but I am not going to do anything extreme.
My name is Megan and I live in central FL. I feel kind of ashamed joining this site. After what my mother-in-law said that I may have PTSD with all my symptoms, I feel there are more out there that has it worse than me. My husband is active duty military, and when I hear PTSD, I always refer it from war/field related injuries/experiences.
I have a history of depression, it runs in my family. I have been on all types of anti-depressants since the age of 12. What really set me off was February 12,2015. My world had crashed and what I knew was turned upside down. At that time, I was teaching about 45 minutes away from where I lived. That weekend, my mother and I had a shopping fun weekend. She was helping me with my kids and making sure that they all had a white bags so they could swap Valentine's Day cards. I wanted to make sure no kid was left out and the bag being white, so they could decorate it.
My mom was my best friend. She lived on 2.9 miles from me but we would talk on the phone at least a minimum three times a day. Sometimes it would be 5 or even 8! She was helping me at my house while I was teaching up until Tuesday. I had a night class that night and had to drive back. We were on the phone for over 45 minutes! Wednesday, I never heard from her. This sometimes happen when she is in pain (she had ALS since 1997 among other health problems). I texted her again that night but got the voicemail. So the next day, while driving to work, I called and left a message stating if I didn't hear her by a certain time, that I will have a well being check done. I actually had this done once and she got pissed! So anytime I mention it, she always call back right away. While this is happening, I have been trying to contact my husband who is active duty and works in a classified area where they are not allowed to bring in cell phones and he wasn't at his work desk.
I told my co-teacher what was going on. When the time came for me to call (the kids were exchanging their cards), I stepped outside and I called the local police and told them what was going on and would like a well being check. They assured me that they will call once the officer is there. By this time, we started having our Valentine's Day party for all of the fourth graders.This was outside where they could have pizza and juice. I had let my other fourth grade team know what was going on. They kept telling me to just go. Since it was my first year, I was afraid this would get me in trouble. So one of the teachers, took me by the hand and we went to our Vice-Principal and I told her what was going on. She said "GO," the co-teacher could take over my class since there wasn't much left to do for the rest of the day. I packed all of my stuff up. Tried my husband again, even emailing him.
Once I hit the freeway, the officer called. He confirmed her vehicle is there and he can hear he dog barking. I told him to just go in. He was waiting for maintenance to come and open the door.
A few minutes later, I got the call. He asked if I was on my way. I said I was but wanted to know what the hell is going on. He said he hated doing this over the phone but he was sorry to announce that my mother is deceased. By this time, I've already pulled over on to the shoulder. I lost it. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do. I said "I want my husband." I told him I haven't been able to get a hold of him and told him with what unit he was with. He said he will get a hold of him. Later did I know the base commander was notified and they tracked him down. I called my teaching group crying and letting know what happened. They told me to stay there, while someone will pick me up and take me back to where my mom lived. It felt like a lifetime getting there but once I did, I was met up with my husband, a friend's mother and the police officer. All I could do was cry in to my husband's arms. My mind was telling me that she had died but my heart couldn't accept it. So I insisted that I wanted to see her. They told me that she died in her sleep but her eyes were wide open. She also had vomit on the side of her mouth. I know she wasn't in the greatest of health but I keep thinking she had aspirated on her own vomit in the middle of the night and died.One of her wish was never to have an autopsy. I kept telling them that her eyes need to be closed and I tried. My husband had to pull me back and I just kept repeating her eyes need to be closed. The officer asked if we have a preference for a funeral home. I was just numb and said I don't care but she wanted to be cremated. So the officer put in some calls. She was picked up at 3:00 PM by the funeral home.
My Mother-in-Law came the next day along with my husband's Aunt. My dad flew in the next day as well. Two days later, my Father-in-Law also came down. She had no will (which actually helped us for the state of Florida due to her debits). She lived in an apartment, so we had two days to pack it up and move it out. She already paid for that month but we had to do it quick since we had all the manpower we needed. Her car was a lease that was also in my name. So I had to keep making payments.
For about six months, it felt like I was in a mental fog. If that makes sense. While the world kept going, I just felt like I was just trying to live day to day. Now that mental fog is over, I am remembering more and more of that day. I get flashbacks and see her in that bed all the time. I was her caregiver since I was 12 after my dad didn't want to stick around with my mother's diagnosis of ALS. This was in 1997 but you would have never known she had it and the days before, nothing was out of the ordinary.
I have extreme guilt. I should have been there. I always took care of her and I couldn't save her. My depression has gone from manageable before her death but now I just stay in bed for days at a time. It is my safe zone. I avoid places or thing that remind me of her. My anxiety is out of control. I get panic attacks almost every day. If a store or a place is crowded, I can't do it. If I am in a store, and it suddenly gets crowded, I have to leave or I will start a panic attack. I have been seeing my psychiatrist since 2010 when I tried to commit suicide. I am also seeing a grief counselor but I think she's a quack. I just want to be average again with my emotions. Just thinking of doing errands, makes me emotionally and physically exhausted. At this point I don't see things getting better but I am not going to do anything extreme.
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