Sufferer Misdiagnosed With Bipolar Disorder For 20 Yrs And My Journey Back To Life..

[mommyofomh]

I have to agree, though I dont understand everything about ptsd, I think as I said before that even I am somewhat naive, the world knows far too little about PTSD, what I do know is the outlook for me at least is far better with PTSD, and it all makes sense to me.

Getting better is extremely uncomfortable but seems completely possible. My Dr tells me I have to "act as if" and eventually it wont be nearly as hard.

 

[mommyofomh]

Also, one other thing I was told that has helped soo much... People who have ptsd because they were victimized tend to take on a victim role which leaves us prone to be victimized over and over again..

You gotta do your best to take that power away and not be a victim....

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

You need another person to talk to. You refer to a "doctor." I'd suggest a therapist and Psychiatrist team, but start with the therapist that's familiar with trauma... not so easy to find.

"Tthe world knows far too little about ptsd?" :confused: The "world" know more than you, sister, and you have to catch up if that's what you're suffering. I'm NOT attacking: Just saying to come silently into understanding.

Our world knows a lot about PTSD. I think that everyone on here is past the insurance-approved DSM-IVtr. :D The "world" knows PTSD... you just have to be able to hear the world.

 

[mommyofomh]

It is actually a therapist who specializes in trauma and EMDR, also have a psychiatrist and a regular Dr as well. Im getting better, for that I am thankful.

<Please use comma's to break up your sentences, not dots. Thanks Amethist>

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

PTSD usually doesn't have anything to do with "roles," victim or otherwise. "Ppl who have ptsd because they were victimized tend to take on a victim role" has a LOT to do with abuse and how victimized kids, helpless women. etc... tend to find their abuser again. That is true. I worked for SPARC as a domestic dispute negotiator and can tell you that no matter how many times we got women and kids away from an abuser, they ended up back in the same place with the same abuser within a month.

That's not PTSD.

That can be trauma, that can involve all that you say, but PTSD is different.

I'm also thankful that you're getting better, but the fact is... Thank god you don't have PTSD. It means that you're going to do all right and that pain is going to be something you can work through rather than just manage. It, like for us, hurts like hell and hurts like a mother f*cker, but... for you, you have the blessing of the pain fading away.

PTSD is about managing memories and feelings that never go away and take over the life. It's not about something "bad" that happens, but rather something bad that keeps happening over and over again.;)

Mommyofomh, I'm not trying to dismiss pain. I know the pain and so does everyone on this forum. Instead, I'm trying to say that you will be able to get past it. You're not PTSD. The pain, for you, can fade away, but telling you that is going to piss you off! How dare I say that?!? I dare I make your pain anything less than anyone else's pain? The answer: I'm not and I would never say that your pain is less.

Mommyofomh, I'm very glad that you're getting better. It's hard. The memories do not go away... you just learn to package them differently: PTSD or not. Of PTSD... That is about letting go, but it won't let go of you. You can find forgiveness and grace, but the memory cannot.

If I've offended, I'm sorry and didn't mean to. If I'm wrong, I'd love to hear it.

<Please do not post in capitals, It does come across as shouting. Amethist>

 

[mommyofomh]

I, in no way have all of the answers, nor do I believe that anyone in the world knows everything. I posted My experience as far as my attempt at getting better, barely touched on the horribleness that has been my life. This isnt a contest, I do not need any sympathy, nor do I wish to compare my experiences, or hide behind any diagnosis, I am who I am and am determined to live a productive life, regardless of how long I have to climb to get out of this hole. Not expecting miracles.

With that being said, you seem to want to take your anger out on others and disagree with ppl even when they are agreeing with you. I wish you all the best. Take care

Pain will never fade. I'm just willing to feel it, no matter how bad it hurts.

<Posts merged by Amethist>

 

[Kb3]

Mommyofomh I'm sorry that you have had such a challenging introduction to this site - we are usually a very validating and supportive group. We are all here for the same reason and it most definitely is not a contest!

I could write almost every single word you wrote about my misdiagnosis, and in fact have referred to myself as a miserable shell of a human being while on all those drugs for the bipolar dx too. My husband has also said that he wanted his "old" wife back (lol, he meant well).

My awakening came in two parts; during the beginning of my last pregnancy when I had to stop all the meds I was on cold turkey, and then ten months later during my last trauma. Apparently there is no soft landing for people on our plane.

I have also wondered endlessly why no one thought to ask me about the abuse in my past or question why I was not getting better. They just kept ramming a square peg into a round hole, and I paid for it. There is so much that is wrong with the mainstream psychiatric system, and now that I am being treated by a good trauma therapist and recovering, I am giving it the heave ho. I don't need to have psychiatry validate my experiences anymore. They had too many chances and they let me down each time.

I'm learning about the revictimization thing and how to stop being one. I am also one of those smart-but-naive people.

I've been learning to live with the pain too. To allow myself to feel it, and to give it meaning and dignity. Doing that has never hurt me the way that denying it did. It means a lot to have survived the things that we have, and we should give our experiences the respect that they deserve.

So, again, welcome to the forum. Your first thread has given me so much. I hope that you stick around and let us return the favour.

 

[mommyofomh]

Thank you for that, I know that we all deal with this in our own way. I understand the anger that tabula seems to be directing at me and do not take it personally. I too was so very angry for so long. I dont think any of us asked to be this way.

With that being said, what you said about allowing yourself to feel touches my heart. Feeling it hurts, but not feeling it almost killed me. As strange as it is I welcome the pain. In feeling the pain I am also able to feel love again. I wish you well in your journey, and look foward to talking to you again.

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

I'm VERY harsh when I argue, but I'm not harsh when I feel things for another. Mommyofomh, I promise that nothing I said was from anger to you or anything that you said. I further promise that I would NEVER try to take pain from you. I have not and never did have any anger toward you: You're in the same place as all the rest of us: Something horrible and beyond what is expected of life happened to you.

I DO understand the pain of it and I'm not in a contest. That's not at all what I was trying to say.

Let me put it this way if it will help:

A dog scratches.

Now, a dog may scratch because it has ticks. A dog may scratch because it has fleas.

The third solution is that a dog scratches because it has ticks and fleas.

My argument is NEVER against the people on this forum: We are ALL trying to find a solution to this PTSD, OR trauma thing.

Instead, it's about the confusion and misinformation that happens when we're all trying to figure out the difference (on the internet with our peers) between trauma, Bi-Polar, PTSD... etc.

Mommyofomh, You suffered a LOT of SHIT. You suffered what nobody should suffer. Other people have ALSO suffered on this post and I would NEVER question that you suffered it.

The question I've had on this post and others is the difference between a very real trauma and pain and grief on one hand and PTSD on the other.

I promise that I'm a gentle man in dealing with any one persons' experience of trauma and cannot help myself but to try to be there FOR that person. PTSD is NOT about trauma, though it's caused by trauma. That doesn't mean that a person experiences LESS pain for their experiences than anybody that experiences PTSD. Instead, it means that they are dealing with a different issue... something that can be helped by dealing with the REAL issue of the traumatic event rather than the "ghosts" of the traumatic event that PTSD people have to deal with.

I PROMISE that I'm very bad and suck at most social interactions and that I will sometimes argue "facts" without any consideration for feelings. It's a personality type that I'm still trying to work on. That said, though, I very much DO care about the feelings of people on this forum and in this post.

I apologize for anything I said that would make you NOT feel welcome and supported. You are and I DO feel for you and I, like everyone else, is there.

-------

Side note to Amethyst on the use of caps. I've been on the Internet long before there was a World Wide Web. With ALL respect toward you that this is your site and that you're a moderator on a private site on which I have no rights, may I submit that the tradition of the web, forums and posts allow for the use of caps in some circumstances, but condemns it in others?

The use of caps as a way to "yell or scream" has always been looked down upon. There is NOTHING more noxious than a person that rants with their caps lock on and their understanding of a paragraph off.

That said, the tradition of the Internet is that a "word" may be made more important in five ways: Italic, Bold/Strong, CAPS, Underlined, or Blinking. This does NOT include Header styles and the simple act of making a font LARGER.

While your editor allows for the bolding of text, the fact is that a lot of users don't have that option: CAPS of a single word is traditional: It establishes a lot of meaning that can be otherwise lost in the Internet.

My use of caps has NEVER been used in a noxious manner and, though I may be noxious in person, have never used that new, Internet grammar as a way to extend an expletive: I never used caps to scream or yell.

I'd submit that you allow caps when it's NOT a paragraph of screaming or even a sentence or ANY instance of "screaming and yelling" anything. Instead, that it's allowed when a person is trying to make ONE word the most important in a sentence. Caps, in this case, become the verbal and oral equivalent of STRESSING a word with a pound of a fist against a table.

 

[mommyofomh]

Tabula. Again I have no bad feelings for you. I appreciate your apology. We all have bad days. I dont know everything and stated that.

Just so you know though, I am not diagnosing myself via the internet. I do not think I should have to justify myself to be able to tell my story, nobody asks for ptsd. It sucks and the process to get better hurts. If it makes you feel better I was diagnosed ptsd by 2 psychiatrists, a nurse practitioner, and a trauma counseler/social worker in a hospital, as well as a psychiatrist and trauma counselor who specializes in emdr.

My life was hard. I still can not talk about most of it without breaking down or getting terrified. You should not view anyones condition or story with the intent to challenge it. We are all anonymous here for the most part, you do not live with me on a daily basis.

Anyways, just my thoughts. Which are amongst many other thoughts and stories in the world, including yours. Again, no hard feelings.

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

Mommy, you have (as I said in Private Message) nothing to apologize for or explain. You have NOTHING that you should have to "justify" on this forum. Everyone here is with you, including me.

I unfortunately raged against a thought, but the thought was WAY before you. It had NOTHING to do with what you posted and I apologize that I picked on you and your post. My intent, however insensitive, is that we can NOT be put into boxes: One cannot call us Traumatized, PTSD, Bi-Polar, etc in a 5 minute interview and then go home to enjoy dinner with your family: We exist and we're worth more than a mention in some version of DSM.

Please: You're among friends and you have NOTHING to be afraid of, here. Not even from harsh, acerbic me.

 

[musiccrazedkm]

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar as well.

Since I was 4 years old I have been battling with depression due to trauma. I hear voices, have delusional thoughts, feel depressed, have small seizures, have high anxiety, memory problems, & hallucinate.

I fought with this not as long as you did, I only fought with it for 3 years.

I lost a relationship, because he wanted me to be the old me, & I couldn't change myself, I had felt like a bipolar monster & high with the medications. My addictions grew worse with the medications. I self-harmed, did drugs, & alcohol.

I wanted the many emotions to go away. I even went to rehab and I was still misdiagnosed. I was taking lithium & lactimal. My side side effects of my illness started getting worse. The voices were stronger, & I used to repeat aloud what they would say, I started seeing things that others couldn't more, when I got really depressed I got suicidal, My hands used to shake so bad from anxiety, & I got angrier & lashed out at people.

When I would go out in public I had thoughts that everyone was staring at me & they wanted to kidnap me & my anxiety would get high. I hated looking at people when I would talk to them because I thought they could read my mind (I still think that) . Man just so much.

And I am finally better. I had Major Depression with psychosis.

I know this is a PTSD forum, but at one point I was signboard with PTSD but they switched it to bp. & I wanted you to know you are not the only one that was misdiagnosed with bp.

It makes me mad to see people like us that want to get well be misdiagnosed & get worse. It brings our spirits down. And looking back on this I feel like I was robbed of part of my childhood. I was misdiagnosed with no when I was 16... & it took 3 years for someone to realise it. And now I am covered in scars -.-
I'm glad that you are better now!

I quit all my addictions & I'm better. Have you thought about suing the doctors?
Could it be possible?
I want to sue mine before they do it to someone else