Misery Thread... Bloody Bloody Hell!

[BV101]

right,

from the off, in order to keep the harpies on here (I mean carers, spouses, significant others) at bay anything below is just kind of how I feel now about things, not long term. Any mention of hatred of my other half etc, isn't real... Thas a joke btw... Just messing about.

soooo, off we pop. For the last couple of weeks I've slowly been sinking into the mire. The whole move back to near my family has kept me busy on 1 level, but even that is proving too much. I've still got boxes totally unpacked. I've almost powered down as far as my relationship with the other half goes. She is being an absolute twat at the minute anyway. I've done well to not lose my temper with her (I think), but I am now just totally not bothered. I genuinely wouldn't care if she got run over by a bus.

Todays example, do you want to go for a family pizza for lunch... me? I don't care... I got really anxious when the other half couldn't decide what she wanted and I had to sit with my back to the main window. And it was totally full of people and I was really penned in. I was massively stressed by the end but still remained calm. I am now just acting like a childish miserable bugger with her and I can see it is upsetting her.

I went to my new mental doctor yesterday and I apparently have some anger issues. No? Really? How much did it cost me for you to tell me that? I don't know whether its apathy or what, but I just don't care at present. I'm not sleeping (apart from earlier in the week when I got battered on vodka and rakija), I've started getting all weepy for nothing and I am looking a bag of shit. Dirty clothes, no razor and I don't care enough about anything. I've not had any massive flashbacks for a while, but I've been spending a lot of time just thinking about things that happened then.

Anyway thats it. Not sure where this mail has gone really or where it should have gone. I might just have needed to write it down.

Love you!

A.

 

[sisu]

Alan,
No one would ever be offended at venting....it acutally gives me insight as a carer because information is not ever handed to us on a silver platter. We usually have to figure it out or try to drag it out of them...

If you were in a wheelchair, the disability would be obvious, and it would be easier for people to think, "Oh, right; he wouldn't be up to "(insert activity)", and make other plans. Also, there wouldn't be the thought: "OK, it's long enough, time for him to spring out of that wheelchair." He should be over this injury by now and be able to live life normally again... Not so with PTSD. It is not totally invisible, but can be in a way....a lot of you guys try to hide what you are feeling until it "explodes" out of you and then the carer is left thinking...."what the f**k just happened".

Hope I didn't offend....just giving another perspective. Much love to you!

 

[BV101]

Thanks for understanding. You didn't offend me. The whole I'm offended thing went through a ctrl-alt-del for me when 9mm was issued. I resolved the being offended at people. I just drift from apathy to anger to normal. At present I am at apathy. I just kind of want the world to f*ck off.. a bit.

 

[wife of]

Lol,Harpies,us lot,sometimes thats just what you might need sonny Jim,not offended in the slightest....Mrs is prob coming over as being a T**t as shes not sure how to handle you at the mo and invariably getting it all wrong???
You might not want any advice but your sure as hell going to get some anyway...lol...Try to sit down just for five mins and speak with her ,tell her you don't mean to be a git but she is winding you up,I'm sure she would appreciate the honesty and give you as much space as you need,but she can't read your mind mate.
Maybe explain that whilst you were prepared to go for pizza you found the situation uncomfortable once there,nothing wrong if you get somewhere and can't stay...I'd hope she would understand.
Sorry if I've spoken out of turn,If you really need the space maybe you could enlist the help of a friendly relative or girlfriend to have her stay with them for a girly night off,giving you some space to slob,reassure her if your safe to be left and agree to txt her at certain times so she knows your safe.
I know I irritate the crap out of my other half sometimes and we've come to the understanding that if he tells me whats bugging him we can sort it........otherwise it just builds and builds.
Hope you get out of your funk soon....Sue(the Harpie....lol)

 

[willis williams]

Alan, I like the term harpies. My ex was one. My sweety now can read me without saying anything. If I want to wallow in my PTSD she would just go get pizza with the kids or call a friend. I took her to way to much PTSD counceling and groups she got way to smart on recognizing my bullshit. She learned from vets from all eras and some spouses and she got to see different stages and severity of PTSD. I messed up my first marriage and I wanted her to know what she was getting into. This is a real good place to vent it's like talking out the problem to open minded people that may be criticle but you don't even have to deal with it at home to add more of a problem. It also is good to see that you are not alone like hearing Alan and sitting here thinking of how many times I was stuck in that same situation. TEX

 

[BV101]

Comrades, as ever voices of sanity screaming at me in the hour of need. Well not quite hour of need. Its not that desperate, but you get the idea. I just wish that somehow I could be alright with people, even if I can't be with myself. I was trying to talk to the mentaller yesterday about how (start violin music) I am desperately unhappy and try to smash up everything around me. Part of me genuinely wants to upset the other half.
Her default setting is that I need to pull meself together or its divorce. I tell her to f*ck off then with it. Not constructive that... She is a bit sympathetic but has a view on the whole balkan thing that places me firmly in the camp entitled "you bad bad man, you deserve everything you get". So the sympathy doesn't go far. And of course I've not told my immediate family about any of it really. Most don't even know where I was and its been so long that I can't even bring it up. Apart from which, like Jan said, when a bit of a set to skips off to genocide via a bit of murder, partners don't want or should have to deal with it. It sticks to you that kind of shit. Thats what I kind of meant at first when I was asking if people can see it on you.
Anyway, this is another total message mess. I don't know, whenever I try to write stuff on here, it never quite comes out right...

Sigh...

Bring on the harpies...

 

[willis williams]

Alan, your getting it out just fine. Most people can't see it on you but usually other combat veterans or people with same experiences can usually see it. In my experience in the U.S. it is called the 1000 meter stare it is the hollowness that shows of no emotion. I have been called on it on occasion mostly by nam vets. I don't understand the hole you deserve everything you get but I don't know the hole situation of what you did or went through but I'm guessing that you were following some kind of orders or had a personal reason for what you were involved in. I hope that she feels that way just to jab at you for other reasons. I was involved in things that were not what would be cosidered honorable but it was combat and the enemy did the same and even worse. I keep some of my ghosts to myself so is not to hinder feelings from loved ones. I don't know how you deal with the hole divorce thing being held over your head that would make things drastically worse for me in a relationship. I would say like wrote f*ck it lets get it over with because that would make it hard to even function as a parent. Alan I consider you a friend and brother and I hope you get the relationship sorted out because when I went through my roller coaster that ended in divorce it was on the line of my breaking point. I crawled into a bottle of vodka for some years before, during, and after which made it worse. I wasn't a good father through that period. When I got a chance I was a total whore even when I started a new relationship. It was just a really bad time for me got in trouble with the law. Lost a lot of money because I just went into f*ck it mode. Good luck! TEX

 

[Jimmy1]

1000 metre stare. Mate, my eyesight is failing and I only have like a 10 m stare. lmao. Nah, I am fine with distances, its just the up close things that get me.

 

[BV101]

The divorce thing is never serious for her. Its her default setting. When I am at the bottom and not doing husband stuff she goes to the lets get divorced cabinet and pulls something out. Today is a new day. I am going to start with a shower and a shave and take child variant 1 to school. That would be a bit of progress on the week.

 

[wife of]

You sound like you are in a better place today Alan,JUST A SUGGESTION.......Dont shoot the harpie.....It might be worth,when you are in a good mood.....Sitting down and telling the mrs that you understand the kneejerk divorce thing but when you are down/zoned out/ cows up a neighbours tree,then it is realy damaging to hear and it has the effect of making you ready to call her bluff!! If it's not a serious threat and she does love/want to help you then I am sure she would be willing to change her behaviour to suit /help facilitate your recovery.I know there are plenty of women who genuinely cant adapt to the mind set and can't stick it out but there are some of us harpies that would willingly walk over hot coals to get our man some peace.

 

[BV101]

I get where you are coming from, but the talking? Thats not for me. Going to have a sit in the garage. Thats a better option. I am not for the talking really. Its not for me.

 

[wife of]

you know when you were "In" and you had to force yourself to do things 'cause you didn't want to do them,but you did them anyway to protect yourself and others from futher harm?????? Your wife and kids really need you to be communicating,If shes got the sheer balls to be sticking it out then you "Owe" her the decency of helping her to help you,you don't have the right to just cut yourself off and expect her to cope,when you got married you became part of a team just as much as you became part of a team in the forces,by opting out of that team you are doing yourself no favours,no wonder shes throwing the divorce line at you,Ptsd or no Ptsd no marriage is going to survive that type of behaviour,if you want to keep your wife then you need to be letting her know !