Monster Mommy Returns

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yesterday was an intense therapy session. I got sleep last night, but I was still tired today. Sleepy and sad- those are my main feelings. I went for a run this morning to try to relieve some of the stress from yesterday's session. It's worked once. Today I had flashbacks or something during my run- not a good combination.

I voluntary put both of my sons to rest this afternoon so my husband could get a head start on errands and mowing the lawn. My older son has been popping up out of his room lately. He obsessively asks if we are staying upstairs or in the house. Well, today it was just me and I planned to rest and nap. I was exhausted.

About 1 minute after I had closed my son's door, he was in my room. He had forgotten some toys in the hallway that he wanted in his room. Fine, I can live with that. Before leaving me, he asked "Are you staying upstairs?" and I said, "You already know that answer." (We went over it about 10 times before I left his room.) Then, he came back about 5 minutes later. I got that familiar drowning feeling of being overwhelmed and wham, angry one was out. I yelled. I struggled for control. I asked questions that were very caring, but I kept switching to the angry one and yelling. Not good. Finally I got enough control and while crying, covering my ears, and closing my eyes, I told my son it was safer for him to go to his room. I don't want him to see my lose control.

I felt like such a monster. My husband returned home during all that. He came up and found me sobbing on the bed. Well actually, he found one of my parts. She was curled up hiding her head sobbing and scratching though trying not to. She said she wanted to go away and my husband said to go to the library. He had no idea that she meant go back inside. I didn't want to leave because I felt like I was letting my husband down. He already does so much because I can't. He insisted and I retreat to the library.

I walked among the stacks and found a quiet place to read. I am calmer, but I still feel like a monster. My son told me that he figured out if I yell, he should stay in his room. Smart boy, but it breaks my heart. I am thinking that I need to find a way to explain PTSD and DID to a 5 year old. I've explained DID in the loosest of terms to my husband without using the term "dissociative identity disorder" because I am too scared to tell him. But I need my son to realize that I am not really a monster.

 

[RussH]

When your son is older, then you will be able to explain it to him. Right now he would not understand, and I am also willing to bet that your son does not think you are a monster. He loves you.

 

[littlelostchild]

Firstly, you are not a monster.

It is clear from your posts that you are a loving mother and you are doing the best you can along with support from your husband and therapist.

Are there any children's books on mental illness that you could use to talk with your son about your mental health in ways he could understand. I find picture books a great starting point. You could ask the librarian and your therapist.

Did you come up with cards to help cue you when the angry one comes out during bedtime routine?

Know that I am thinking about you. Be gentle with yourself.

LLC

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@littlelostchild - I made one card. It says: I am the parent now. I have not remembered to use it. I need to train myself to use it. Thanks for the reminder about that. Children's books would be great. I will ask my therapist.

 

[littlelostchild]

Can I suggest a card that says something like: Patient but firm reminders, Remain calm - he is just a little boy, Breathe deeply and count to 5.

Just a few thoughts.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@littlelostchild - Excellent. That's the kind of card I was going to make next to follow the other one, but I hadn't thought of what to put on it.

 

[littlelostchild]

If he is checking to see if you are there, could you have a visual signal to show that you are in your room? Like something he can see from his bed - a stuffed animal on a shelf or a scarf hanging on the doorknob?

 

[littlelostchild]

Then you remove it when you leave the room.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@littlelostchild - Leaving something on the door could help prevent him from coming into the room. We have a weird hallway so he can't see my room from his room. We also leave his door closed because of the cats, but maybe leaving it open would be an option now if it helps. I feel like a failure because I can't help his fears and I can't solve the problem. I know it's probably a typical kid thing, but whenever something has happened like this since the accident (behavioral issues), I feel like I caused them from the horrible days after the accident, like I scarred him for life and I guess therein lies the bigger issue.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It sounds like he does have some fear. Wanting to know where you are he may be worrying about you. The idea is to validate his feelings and teach him skills to lessen his worry. My daughter went through this with me for years. She was friendly and had many friends but for some reason she cried for weeks before school started in the fall. I had no idea how to help her. I felt like a total failure, plus I was drinking back then so that just made me feel even worse.
I took her to a therapist, I quit drinking, but I didn't go to therapy. Her therapist taught me a lot of things to help her anxieties. She's well educated but through it all she always had anxiety at the start of the semester. And 30 years later I still can't help her with her anxieties. Well, actually that's not true.

When she was a sophomore in college she called me at 5:00 one morning in a state of despair. She hadn't slept for a week, the noise of the fridge and computers in her dorm room were driving her crazy she was acting manic. I cancelled my clients and drove 3 hours to her and she looked wasted. First I took her to the infirmary where she got some sleeping pills and antidepressants, then I took her to the social worker and set up counseling for her. Then I got her five visits to a tanning salon, took her out to dinner and drove back home getting stranded due to an ice storm. In two weeks she was feeling much better. Guess what was bugging her? Turns out her roommate was pregnant and had drawn my daughter into being her birthing partner. 19 years old and being sucked into Shannon's drama. I was pissed. But I did put healing into motion.
Because I felt like an unfit mother I was always trying to get them involved in activities that involved good role models. It worked. Despite my PTSD, both of my kids are wonderful, happy, well adjusted adults with awesome partners. I couldn't have raised them without all the coaches and therapists help.
Just want to share that with you so you don't beat yourself up too much. Asking for help was the best strategy I had. Nature walks, trips to museums, arts and crafts, skiing. Happy times that also make them easier to get along with. My children get on my case when I'm having anxiety attacks or depressed but they don't hold anything against me. Be patient. Whoever invented summer vacation from school was a psycho.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@KwanYingirl - I LOVE summer vacations- I'm a teacher. I don't see a lot of my kids during the school year. We're too busy during the week and the weekend is filled with errands, chores, and visiting family. I do wish we had some more daycare days, but that costs money so we opted for only 2. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[littlelostchild]

I understand about feeling like a failure, but you aren't because you are working hard at getting him through this. I always like to remind parents that kids develop self-confidence by learning how to meet life's challenges, so your son will be more confident in the end. It's not avoiding problems (although we never want to create extra ones if we can help it), but in successfully meeting what comes up that strength of character and self esteem comes from.

You and he will find a way for him to manage the anxiety he seems to have about bedtime. Have you got a good, relaxing pre bedtime routine in place? Does he have comfort objects to take with him to bed? Does he need a night light? Does he have quiet ambient music to relax him while he falls asleep? I imagine you have thought of all of these, but just wanted to offer a few thoughts.

Be well.