Supporter Most People Have Told Me To "run"!

[Needing Guidance]

Hello All: I found this forum this afternoon after searching for "Can you have a relationship with someone with PTSD". For those of you with kind hearts and have dealt with someone with PTSD, I'm sure you know how I am feeling... I will tell my story, but try not to make it too long. Maybe, just maybe, I can get some real and good advice on this forum, versus the answer I've received so far.

About 10 months ago I ran into a lady I first met 13 years ago where I used to work. Turned out she was living 3 miles down my road at her parents house. She was 30 years old last year when we met and has recently turned 31. We had always gotten along very very well, even years ago. Things went wonderfully and we both seemed to have exactly what we wanted and needed in our lives. Someone to love, be kind to, affectionate with, laugh with, cook with, etc... She ended up moving in with me last July and our relationship was better than I could ever asked for, every single day.

She has told me she had been diagnosed with PTSD back in the fall of 2011, but never talked much about it. I guess I should have researched it more back then and discussed it in more detail with her, while she was still herself. She started a new job about 3 months ago and everything was fine. About a month later the other girl quit and caused my girlfriend to have to do 2 to 3 times the work. Being a dedicated loyal person, she brought home work at night and the weekend. A few weeks later, she changed! She stopped laughing, stopped having fun, shut down emotionally and physically and would not talk to me. I tried to research the PTSD and actually had her an appointment with her past therapist, which she hadn't seen since 2011.

Monday before last, she told me she was going to her parents for a few days to think about things and decide if this is what she wanted. A couple days later I went down to talk to her and she told me she was trying to hire a moving company to come get her things. Last weekend her Dad and Uncle came with her to pick up all her stuff. I haven't heard from her since. I'm afraid I may have pushed her too hard to get help when she started showing signs of her PTSD.

Not only have I been friends with this lady for 13 years, but I spent every single day and night with her for over 8 months and every minute was wonderful. Up until the last few weeks when she wouldn't talk to me. The last couple times I see her last week, she was an emotionless shell. I don't know what to do! Even if we just remain friends, I do not want to see her stay like this. Her parents just let it go and expect she'll eventually snap back out of it like last time. Which they say took 9 months.

Do I just not communicate with her at all and stay away for a while? I can't force her to get professional help and I don't want to push her away any further either. I love this lady very, very much and would love to have her back in my life. But is it just going to more hurt for me every time she has one of these episodes??

Sorry! Not that short huh?

 

[anthony]

Welcome... the problem is not really what you do, but it seems she is using very normal methods of, runaway, to help her cope. It wouldn't matter if you contacted her, not contacted her, went looking for her, et cetera, depending on the day and her mood, anxiety and so forth, would depend on her reaction to you. With PTSD it becomes easier to just bail out and run as it provides less stress on the person already over-stressed brain and body.

If she wants to be in a relationship with you, then she will. If not, she won't. Run... don't run... that choice is also yours. You can have a perfectly normal relationship with PTSD, no issues there... well, as normal as you could define normal. She has a lot of work to do on herself obviously, and if she isn't doing that work, then it isn't going to get any better for her at this time, nor your future of a relationship, not when she has moved out.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[I Can Do This]

What you are experiencing is very common - you will find some of these same descriptions from others trying to have a relationship with someone with PTSD. (the emotionless shell, changing her mind frequently).

It is important to understand that her PTSD started in childhood - not the adult incidents you described. Why this is important is because she has was shaped by her experience and has developed some coping mechanisms that are getting in her way now that she is an adult. Her emotions, beliefs, world view, self-esteem, relationships - all of these have been informed by that experience.

You mentioned several times that she was "forced" into a relationship, a pregnancy and an abortion. So this is either your view of the situation - or hers. What is important to understand is that she was not a victim in this incident, so is she saying she was a victim or are you? This is important because it shows how she views herself in this world.

She was never forced to do anything - not to be in a relationship with the man, have sex with him, or abort - none of it. She was however, not emotionally strong enough to maintain her own convictions and boundaries in that relationship - and that was painful for her. She was emotionally shaped from childhood - her life was informed by how she views herself. Her problems didn't occur because of this incident - but it revealed the problem that was already there.

So that problem is still there - and without the right kind of help, she can't get better long term. This has been going on so long for her that it is subconscious. And the older she gets, the worse it is going to affect her. It doesn't get better with time, it gets worse. You can't save her, you just don't have the tools and love isn't what will do it.

You started off this post saying you hadn't gotten good advice before - the truth is you did - it just wasn't what you wanted to hear. Unless she gets help - by her own choice - and pushes through it, you will save yourself a ton of pain if you walk away now. As I said, without help, this only gets worse over time. I know you feel terrible right now - but imagine feeling that way for the rest of your life if you were with her and she never got better.

I have PTSD - I have healed enormously but I prior to that I put my husband through hell. I know from where I speak.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Needing Guidance,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

A lot of really great points have been made already. The only thing I would add, is you need to decide what you really want. If you do decide to wait and continue the relationship, I would suggest that you read all that you can about PTSD. In addition, it doesn't help a sufferer if they are enabled, nor if good boundaries aren't established an enforced. It is up to her to work on herself and up to you to keep yourself healthy. When you are both in a place to address the relationship, then that can be done, but not when she is running.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Needing Guidance]

Thanks you all for the advise and additional insight. I have personally never had to deal with a person with PTSD before, so all the things you all mentioned help shed some more light on the issue. I do care about her and I still love her, but the stress and thought of having to do it all over again sometime, or numerous times, would probably be more than I could handle and probably ruin me. My 16 year old daughter is the priority in my life still and I need to continually remind myself of that. I will continue to study up on the subject, just in case she comes to me for help sometime.

Thank You Everyone and I Wish You the Best in Your own Lives!

 

[Nicolette]

It is important to understand that her PTSD started in childhood

I agree with a lot of what has been said but not everyone has PTSD which stems from childhood. We are who we are from childhood influences to an extent but these don't always define our adult mental health.

By the way, what does DWI mean please?

 

[Needing Guidance]

Driving While Intoxicated. Her parents told me when she acted like this last time, all she wanted to do was avoid people, sleep most the time and drink wine. She had started drinking a little more wine when she was stressed out, but not excessive by any means. A couple weeks ago, she did stay up watching t.v. until 2:00 in the morning and drank a bottle of wine. It seemed like she was beating herself up pretty good that night, but couldn't talk to me when she was face to face. I'm a pretty nice guy, don't yell and fight and have never given her a reason not to talk to me. I guess she knew I'd be hurt by her decision to leave and thought running away was easier than talking about it.

 

[anthony]

Purely a coping mechanism when PTSD is uncontrolled... nothing more. Don't take it personal from her... PTSD attributes behaviours that are pretty standard, and the person doesn't know it until they understand PTSD themselves.

 

[Needing Guidance]

Not taking it personally is pretty hard given the whole situation, but getting easier to accept the more I hear and read about her problem.

So any good advise or experience on getting someone to agree to seeing a professional counselor, when they say "I don't see any reason why I should go see her"?? Would like to know in case the opportunity presents itself sometime in the future. I'm sure there is a good way and a bad way to go about it....

 

[anthony]

It doesn't sound as though she is exactly reasonable, nor does it sound as though she's interested in the relationship... so unless either or both change suddenly, she isn't going to see a therapist either.

In other words... I doubt there is anything you could say that will change things at present. She has to want to change herself, and until that realisation, things will remain as is for her.

 

[Needing Guidance]

You're right about her not listening or being reasonable right now. For the past 7-8 months though, she had finally "found true love and a man that treated her the way she hoped that she'd finally find". "Everything that had been missing in her past relationships"....

Was being treated too nice, honestly loved and supported, too much for her to handle after all these years of "bad experiences"??