Mother-daughter Sexual Abuse: Can't Accept What Happened

[Evone]

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[Beeseb]

Haven't been back to this thread for a while because there weren't any more posts on it. Peri- I really feel for you on that one. It was my mother who was the abuser, and she was violent with it. My Grandma is the most amazing person on the planet and I too, went to her to escape, and she protected me and cared for me 100% how a parent should do. To be in your situation, where that new-found safety was betrayed and manipulated must have been horrible.

I agree that female-female sexual abuse just does not seem to be talked about. Even my therapist kind of cringes a bit (even though I can tell she's trying very hard not to). For some reason it seems to be the last 'taboo' of abuse that society cannot accept happens.

 

[Ufasa]

Thank You Beeseb. It makes me cringe every time I think about it.

It was hard to know what was normal and when it crossed over into abuse. My grandmother had complete access to me and nobody ever thought twice about it. She freely did what she wanted when I was in her home under the guise of “caring for me”. I usually didn’t recognize the moment it stopped being normal until I began physically responding. Once that happened, I was caught in her trap. It was understood that this was something that only happened with her, yet I don’t remember it ever being said.

Looking back, the most devastating part is that I believed my physical response to her abuse must have been the reason it continued and escalated over the years. I totally blamed myself. I was embarrassed and disgusted and hated my body for betraying me.

I have since learned that the abuser often deliberately causes their victim to have a physical response so they feel like willing participants. That really blew me away.

I have gone for over 40 years without ever speaking of this, and if not for this anonymous forum, I am sure I would have taken it to my grave.

 

[Murec]

I agree that female-female sexual abuse just does not seem to be talked about. Even my therapist kind of cringes a bit (even though I can tell she's trying very hard not to). For some reason it seems to be the last 'taboo' of abuse that society cannot accept happens.

This is so true.

 

[Tebidan]

Mine had no filter whatsoever and openly made sexually sadistic comments. They also did things in front of me that I don't want to mention. When my repressed memories first came out I became suicidal, so I think my mind managed to repress them again until many years later. It is a horrible, horrible thing to first realize it is sexual. I feel for you.

 

[Ewowo]

My sister and I were both sexually abused by our mother for many years. It was a scary life with her and we felt very isolated, embarrassed and worried all the time that everyone knew what went on in our home. My sister and I only had each other and we were very close. She initiated sex with me while in the process of comforting me after another abusive encounter with our mother. This became our way of coping with the stress and fear. We knew what we were doing was not right, but it was the only thing that made us feel better.

She moved away at an early age leaving me alone with my mother and for many years I resented and hated her for it. When she came back around many years later, she brought up our incestuous behavior and told me she was sorry for forcing herself on me and making me have sex with her. We are still trying to understand why we did this, and we both feel it was our only way to release our anger without getting our mother mad at us.

She felt bad for leaving me there, but she had no choice. Today, our mother claims she has absolutely no memory of any kind of abuse
towards us and says we are lying. It makes us both sick to be anywhere near her, but we still have to see her on occasion.

My sister and I are very close and talk freely with each other about what we did when we were kids. She still tries to blame herself for initiating it and is always asking me to forgive her. I feel like I was just as guilty for allowing it to happen, so there is nothing to forgive.

 

[Gevefu]

(((Ewowo))) hugs, so sorry to hear about your experiences growing up. I am glad you and your sister are able to talk about it.

Has anyone else struggled with identifying their sexual orientation? I'm confused and worried and frightened. I *think* I know, but I am so afraid that it's the abuse that has made me question everything.

 

[Fopicu]

I think I am bisexual because I was abused by a female. I know that when I find a woman sexually attractive, it's usually because I visualize them doing the things that were done to me as a child. I focus on the acts that I experienced and become aroused at the thought of experiencing them with the woman that I am attracted to. However, in every other way, I am strictly attracted to men.

So, am I actually bisexual or am I working through abuse memories? I really don't know. It seems obvious that I get aroused at the thought of a woman performing sexual acts with me because I already know what it feels like and I know it feels good.

 

[Gufa]

Hmm, that's interesting. Thank you for being honest. I'm not sure if that makes you bisexual or not because only you would know if the attraction to another woman happens and then you think of the abuse, or if the thoughts of abuse lead to finding that person attractive.

I was abused by men and a woman, and I know that what was done to me was at times physically pleasurable. But I become aroused at the thought of being with another woman, of pleasuring her. I've realised that when I've had boyfriends, the feelings have never really been 'strong' enough to be considered as finding them attractive. Whether this would be any different had I not been abused by a woman, I'll never know.

 

[Vase]

Reply to Gufa: I believe the physical attraction comes first and then I begin to think about the sexual acts. It's complicated and hard to separate the two in my mind. Maybe I was always bisexual and the early exposure to sex with a female merely allowed me to know the difference in how sex feels with a woman vs. a man. When I think about the acts that were done to me as a child, I know I was never attracted to my abuser. I responded physically to the abuse, but I did not want it or seek it out.

All I know is that I get aroused with both men and women, but my response is much more instinctual and intense when the attraction is to a woman. I guess I will never know for sure. They were my formative years, so maybe it is a little of both that made me who I am today. I do not act on my feelings or share them with anyone except in this anonymous forum. I just have my thoughts and try not to feel like I am a bad person for having them.

 

[Umem]

Thank you all for your honesty and bravery. I was sexually abused by my mother also and am straight, but I do have fantasies about women having sex and they turn me on. I feel dirty afterwards. I struggle with whether or not to tell my husband because I worry that he won't understand that I am not really interested in women, it is just that my first time being sexually aroused was with my mother when I was 5. Do you think I should tell him?

 

[Meseh]

I have chosen to NOT tell my husband. Everyone needs to make their own decision however. I don't feel that being attracted to women has a negative impact on my relationship with my husband, so I see no need to say anything to him. I know he would be supportive, but that's not the same thing as understanding and accepting of this. We have been together for too many years and I know he would feel betrayed because I have kept this a secret for so long. Furthermore, I believe everyone has sexual fantasies that they don't always share with their partner. I see no need to open myself up to a potential negative response or spend the rest of my life second guessing his reactions to things I may say or do.

I admit that it feels good to share and get this off of my chest, but I only feel safe doing so in an anonymous way. I don't need anymore stress or drama in my life. Good luck with your decision. Only you know what the best thing would be for your relationship.