Mother-daughter Sexual Abuse: Can't Accept What Happened

[Beseb]

Okay, well I wouldn't be at all surprised if some members guess who 'Beseb' is, but I feel the need to hide whilst I discuss this anyway.

It wasn't really until I was in therapy last week and my therapist bluntly asked me "did your mother sexually abuse you?" and I just broke down that I really understood that it was sexual. And now I want to scream and rant and bury my head in the sand because it's just...too wrong, even for my twisted family. That just should not happen.

I want to think of it as 'physical', as 'punishment' or just my mother being 'mean' but it's more than that. The thought of it makes me sick.

I suppose I'm not really looking for any concrete answers on this, just need somewhere to vent.

 

[Gowo]

It is hard to be opened up like that. The release of emotion is healthy though and this part of therapy is essential. I know you want to stick your head back into the sand. I think our minds try to protect themselves by doing so. I wish you all the luck in therapy. Now that the thoughts are out and exposed, your therapist can help you with this terrible thing now.

For me in therapy, when I admitted to myself some things I had been hiding for so long. My other issues became obvious to me and work on how to function again, how to breathe again, we were able to start on.

 

[Beseb]

Thanks for the reply. Deep down I know that now the secret's out and my therapist knows it is a step forward. But arrgh it hurts!

She said this week that I don't have to tell her the detail of what happened in order to heal. I'm unsure about that. Part of me finds it a huge relief, another part thinks 'well, wouldn't it be better to tell someone, talk face to face about it?' And then I try and bury it all back down again.

Symptoms have been worse since I admitted it.

Seeing said 'momster' (love that phrase, people here have a good sense of humour!) on Monday. Want to be sick at the thought of it.

 

[Sitir]

I hope you can out any boundaries up that you need. You certainly are not alone in having this type of situation with your mother. You are brave to acknowledge it and on your way to healing.

 

[Rohi]

it's just...too wrong, even for my twisted family. That just should not happen.

Yes it is too wrong. There aren't words for it. I'm so sorry.

 

[Obaho]

How brave of you to start talking about this! I'm so sorry you went through all that. I hope your therapist is a good therapist and that you get tools to cope with all the feelings. I've never been abused by my mother, but my older sister abused me. I've never mentioned it before to anyone at all, ever. But I recently told my therapist about it. (We haven't started working on it yet though.) I think the abuse men put me through somehow messed me up less, in some ways, than the one my sister put me through. It might be because we are the same gender, but I don't understand why it's like this and I'm really confused about it all. I know I thought sometimes when I was younger that I was bisexual, but I know now I'm not. And I did stuff in that too, that made me feel very bad..

I'm very scared of being physically close to anyone(else than my kids), and whenever a person gets to close to me, I start to have sexual impulses. As if I'm about to kiss the other person or stuff like that. Even though I really don't want to. And I get those impulses to with women, and I hate them. Sorry if I'm hijacking your thread, but I wonder if you have any of these problems too?

 

[Wokoja]

(Obaho again) :

I hate them

The impulses, not women!! :D

 

[Beseb]

I think the abuse men put me through somehow messed me up less, in some ways, than the one my sister put me through. It might be because we are the same gender, but I don't understand why it's like this and I'm really confused about it all.

Yes I feel like the abuse from men has had less of a detrimental effect on me than that from my my mother. I think it is the gender issue; I can't understand what it is about me/what I did for my mother to think that sexually abusing me was something she wanted to do. She's straight, so why? That and, well, this is the woman who gave birth to me, even closer than any other family, especially males. It's a whole different level of wrongness somehow.

And I get those impulses to with women, and I hate them. Sorry if I'm hijacking your thread, but I wonder if you have any of these problems too?

You're not hijacking the thread, don't worry. And yes I do have these problems too. As well as fantasising about it happening again, but with another woman doing those things, not my mother. Very confusing.

 

[Peri]

I have a similar history but the abuser was my grandmother. This was something I never discussed with anyone.... ever. My grandmother was very kind and loving which blurred my understanding about what was happening. The abuse started when I was too young to possibly know what was happening and it lasted for many years. I lived in a very dysfunctional home and actually went to my grandmothers house frequently to "get away" from it all. I never realized that worse things were happening to me with her. She was the opposite of what I experienced at home. She was all the things my mother was not. However, her loving and very affectionate behavior often crossed the line and became too affectionate and sexually inappropriate.

She always made me feel special and never let what she did become obvious enough for me to recognize how inappropriate it was. This created major feelings of guilt and shame for me when I became old enough to finally understand what was going on. I felt I had not only allowed this but encouraged it by not resisting. When I finally realized this was wrong and stopped going to her home, too much time had elapsed and I felt it was too late to say anything. Especially to my angry hateful mother who would definitely blame me for it, that is if she even believed me in the first place. I am clearly just now working through what I experienced and can "logically" say it wasn't my fault because I was just an innocent child. Unfortunately, I have only just begun to make progress with my long standing emotional problems and devastated self image, and I'm hoping it only gets better from here.... It is good to finally find a forum that acknowledges this issue because up until now, I haven't seen any legitimate discussions on the topic. Thank you.

 

[Gidew]

I think that this an important discussion. I feel for you and what you have been through.

 

[Aput]

This really devastating stuff.

 

[Ocapi]

What does it mean when you posted was "edited" by someone else?