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Relationship Mother of Children, Ex Girlfriend Wants to Leave for Good

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That's mainly where my issue lies, as well. It's not necessarily the fight, or what caused it that are hurting for me. It's her explosive reactions, and then the complete loss of emotion at the end

As a sufferer, I get explosion reactions and then numbness. I go through that where my reactions to seemingly mundane things are explosive and then I go numb due to being overwhelmed with emotions. That I cannot control. What I don't do is try to take something away (going to counseling for instance) from someone else simply because I'm upset (or sympthomatic). Maybe its a controling thing. I know I struggled a lot with control and having control over things I couldnt control in the past and that was a real struggle for me. So maybe its something like that but she seems to be attempting to control you or make you suffer in some way and that is no bueno.

Personally? I would make some boundries for yourself if you guys do get back together. This is where your own therapist or counselor would come in handy. To teach you about boundries and how to lay and use them. I know you said insurence was the issue when it comes to therapy. There are some free counselors out there. Mainly associated with churches but they are out there. I would be very picky of who you see if you go that route as I got several bad ones that way but its an idea.
 
As a sufferer, I get explosion reactions and then numbness. I go through that where my reactions to seemingly mundane things are explosive and then I go numb due to being overwhelmed with emotions. That I cannot control. What I don't do is try to take something away (going to counseling for instance) from someone else simply because I'm upset (or sympthomatic). Maybe its a controling thing. I know I struggled a lot with control and having control over things I couldnt control in the past and that was a real struggle for me. So maybe its something like that but she seems to be attempting to control you or make you suffer in some way and that is no bueno.

Personally? I would make some boundries for yourself if you guys do get back together. This is where your own therapist or counselor would come in handy. To teach you about boundries and how to lay and use them. I know you said insurence was the issue when it comes to therapy. There are some free counselors out there. Mainly associated with churches but they are out there. I would be very picky of who you see if you go that route as I got several bad ones that way but its an idea.

That's a good idea! Yeah, her childhood had a lot of control issues, all the way up until now. Many people in her family are controlling. She is usually pretty good about it, but it usually comes out WITH her explosive reactions, when it does. I did tell her that if we ever did get back together, we'd have to lay some series boundaries already, and I totally agree.

She's agreed to, and says she will soon, go see a therapist for herself. She thinks she needs it. I will be seeing one as soon as I possibly can, as well. I don't necessarily expect us to get back together anytime soon, if it happens at all. I do think, however, that being around each other for the rest of our lives due to our kids is a lot of time for change, and reconciliation to occur. For me, I'm a somewhat impatient person, I like to go out and get things done when I want them done, so that's hard for me, but it is what it is.

Right now, she's at a week-long church camp with her family, so I'm giving her her space while she's there, so she can enjoy it more, and heal. I'll be next seeing them Sunday, when I pick them up.
 
Small update: I just woke up to an email notification on my phone: "[email protected] has cancelled event: Anniversary @ date, annually," and that wrenched my heart. That's never happened before. I forgot that we even had that on a shared calendar.
 
Small update: I just woke up to an email notification on my phone: "[email protected] has cancelled event: Anniversary @ date, annually," and that wrenched my heart. That's never happened before. I forgot that we even had that on a shared calendar.

Maybe another way of control. Do this or don't do that? Then I'll cancel our anniversery date. Still seems really manipulative.

Maybe she just can't do the anniversary. I dunno.
 
Maybe another way of control. Do this or don't do that? Then I'll cancel our anniversery date. Still seems really manipulative.

Maybe she just can't do the anniversary. I dunno.

It feels to me like it's her way of trying to make it final. I'm not sure she knew it was on a shared calendar, either. She was probably just looking through the calendar and saw it, so she deleted it. I'm not sure it was anything nefarious. Doesn't make it hurt less, though. If it wasn't to make it final to her, it still feels like that to me.
 
I'm here at their camp, watching the kids while they pack up. We seem to be okay, but, of course, that doesn't mean much. She has voiced that she wants to be friends. My question here is: is there any way that you guys would recommend for me to reinforce that

A) I've learned from my mistakes,
B) I'm supportive of her

etc, or would it just be a case of not bringing any of it up? What would you guys do/want a supporter of yours to do? I always lean towards being proactive, and it causes issues at times. Curious as to what others would recommend.
 
My question here is: is there any way that you guys would recommend for me to reinforce that

A) I've learned from my mistakes,
B) I'm supportive of her

Learn from your mistakes and actually be supportive. Most of my trust is off of actions, not words. So, just do. You know?

Too many words and not enough action can actually push me away. It adds stress and it makes me think you are trying too hard...because of me. If that makes sense. It makes me move away as I feel like I am adding more stress on you. So, I'd advise to do and not say and show it in your actions.
 
Learn from your mistakes and actually be supportive. Most of my trust is off of actions, not words. So, just do. You know?

Too many words and not enough action can actually push me away. It adds stress and it makes me think you are trying too hard...because of me. If that makes sense. It makes me move away as I feel like I am adding more stress on you. So, I'd advise to do and not say and show it in your actions.

That's what I figured was best, but the impatient part of me is always shouting "Talk to her! Make her understand!" Thanks for the reinforcement there. Too many words and not enough action is often enough an issue of mine, I'll talk my, and her, heads off, and when she doesn't seem receptive I wind up trying to talk more, and only act for a short time.

Thanks for the perspective!
 
She has voiced that she wants to be friends.
My question here is: is there any way that you guys would recommend for me to reinforce that

A) I've learned from my mistakes,
B) I'm supportive of her
You can tell her work you are doing on you, but if you do it with the agenda of pushing past her boundary to be friends, she may only see the pushing to be more and not the changes and effort to be supportive. Right now, seems like the support she is wanting is the support of a friend.

This is really hard stuff to do. You’ll have to decide if you can sustain being a supportive friend. With kids in common, that’s probably going to be the best route long haul. It also gives you both the best chance to work things out as romantic partners.

Sorry about the phone notification. Ouch,
 
You can tell her work you are doing on you, but if you do it with the agenda of pushing past her boundary to be friends, she may only see the pushing to be more and not the changes and effort to be supportive. Right now, seems like the support she is wanting is the support of a friend.

This is really hard stuff to do. You’ll have to decide if you can sustain being a supportive friend. With kids in common, that’s probably going to be the best route long haul. It also gives you both the best chance to work things out as romantic partners.

Sorry about the phone notification. Ouch,

Yeah, I want to be romantic with her, but I also realize her boundary, and respect it. I won't be pushing, I don't want to make her uncomfortable or anything. Having kids together means that we have a lot of time for whatever is going to happen to happen. No point in pushing it. At least, that's what the side of me that is rational says. The impatient, emotional side of me is another story.
 
Yeah, I want to be romantic with her, but I also realize her boundary, and respect it.

I wonder. Is she into anything fun? Like an arcaide (not sure they have those anymore) or a fair or just a fun place to go. Lazer tag maybe. Paint ball if you are totally savage. But, I am wondering if you can find something that is fun for you, her, and the kids, feels like friends out to just have a good time but that can feel a bit more romantic or intimate to you. If that makes any sense. Baically trying to think of a way to respect that friend zone boundry she has while also meeting need you have to. At least a tad.
 
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I wonder. Is she into anything fun? Like an arcaide (not sure they habe those anymore) or a fair or just a fun place to go. Lazer tag maybe. Paint ball if you are totally savage. But, I am wondering if you can find something that is fun for you, her, and the kids, feels like friends out to just have a good time but that can feel a bit more romantic or intimate to you. If that makes any sense. Baically trying to think of a way to respect that friend zone boundry she has while also meeting need you have to. At least a tad.

I mean, she likes painting, and I plan on getting back into art and writing as an outlet, so maybe we could paint/draw together some time, and I'm trying to plan a trip to the beach with her, the kids, and my sister/her kid. Stuff like that?

My main issue right now is that, honestly, I'm pretty touchy, and she hates being touched, and, since we're not in a relationship, I definitely shouldn't be touching her, but I want to give her a kiss or hug her or something really bad, haha. I need to work on reigning in my emotional side a little.

I opened my mouth, but I don't think it was anything bad. I felt like I should draw a boundary of sorts, and told her that I was being honest about wanting to treat her the way I should have all along, but, to do that, she has to work on being more honest with me, and telling me when she makes decisions. For instance, the whole intimacy issue that started this all, would have been easier had she just told me her decision when she made it. She has a history of telling me about the way she feels only when she feels she absolutely has to, too. I told her that she should try to be better about that, because I can't treat her the way I want to if I don't know what she wants.
 
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