Hi all. I haven't posted a new thread in quite a long time, but I'm still here! Doing well lately, definitely due to the huge amount of support I have in the community I've made this past year at my college. I'm really grateful.
As today is Mother's Day here in the US, I've been doing a lot of thinking on my relationship with my mom. This year is the first year I can remember that I unhesitatingly picked up my phone and texted her to wish her Happy Mother's Day, without any feelings of fear or anger or shame. While I wouldn't say my mom and I are close, per se, our relationship has become healthy and respectful, with no hard feelings or coldness from either side. I still don't trust her with personal details from my life, but for the first time ever, she doesn't pry.
I am amazed that this is the case. Just a year ago, last Mother's Day (and all the years before that, it seems), my mother was incredibly controlling, manipulative, and cruel. She preached love but treated me quite badly and insensitively, especially considering I was deep in the throes of suicidal depression and PTSD.
The change, I think, came from within her. Certainly, I had given up all hope of having a good relationship with my mother and just wanted to get away from her for a time. I don't know if she did a lot of thinking or praying or reflecting or what she did, but lately she has really persisted in being kind, accepting, and helpful towards me. Perhaps she finally realized how close I was to killing myself, or realized the harmful effects her words and actions towards me had had over the years. Or maybe she's finally accepted the fact that I'm an adult and she should be treating me like one. Either way, she has been so encouraging and gracious that I find myself texting and calling her often, to tell her things I'm excited about or just to talk.
It's weird, to have a mother who hurt me all of my life being such a great mother now. At first I was bitter and resentful and didn't want to accept it, and assumed she was just faking it to get close to me again - and maybe she is - but I've learned so many good skills the past year or two that I know how to care for myself and monitor our relationship carefully to make sure that no toxic behaviors come up again.
I don't know if she believes me about the abuse. I don't know if she ever did. If I were to guess, I would think she's skeptical but affirming. I would think she probably doesn't believe it but thinks my feelings and emotions during that time were valid and worth trying to help. Honestly, I've gotten to the point where I can't really blame her for that - I think my healing doesn't have to include her.
We'll never be best friends or have a relationship like all my dozens of friends have with their moms. And God knows there are still trials in the future that may wreak havoc on us again. But in the meantime, I'm surprised and thankful to finally, finally have that faintest sense of a "mother figure" in my life. I know I've needed it.
Thank you, Mom, for trying so hard. I can see it. Thank you for trying to amend your mistakes and thank you for valuing me enough to do so.
As today is Mother's Day here in the US, I've been doing a lot of thinking on my relationship with my mom. This year is the first year I can remember that I unhesitatingly picked up my phone and texted her to wish her Happy Mother's Day, without any feelings of fear or anger or shame. While I wouldn't say my mom and I are close, per se, our relationship has become healthy and respectful, with no hard feelings or coldness from either side. I still don't trust her with personal details from my life, but for the first time ever, she doesn't pry.
I am amazed that this is the case. Just a year ago, last Mother's Day (and all the years before that, it seems), my mother was incredibly controlling, manipulative, and cruel. She preached love but treated me quite badly and insensitively, especially considering I was deep in the throes of suicidal depression and PTSD.
The change, I think, came from within her. Certainly, I had given up all hope of having a good relationship with my mother and just wanted to get away from her for a time. I don't know if she did a lot of thinking or praying or reflecting or what she did, but lately she has really persisted in being kind, accepting, and helpful towards me. Perhaps she finally realized how close I was to killing myself, or realized the harmful effects her words and actions towards me had had over the years. Or maybe she's finally accepted the fact that I'm an adult and she should be treating me like one. Either way, she has been so encouraging and gracious that I find myself texting and calling her often, to tell her things I'm excited about or just to talk.
It's weird, to have a mother who hurt me all of my life being such a great mother now. At first I was bitter and resentful and didn't want to accept it, and assumed she was just faking it to get close to me again - and maybe she is - but I've learned so many good skills the past year or two that I know how to care for myself and monitor our relationship carefully to make sure that no toxic behaviors come up again.
I don't know if she believes me about the abuse. I don't know if she ever did. If I were to guess, I would think she's skeptical but affirming. I would think she probably doesn't believe it but thinks my feelings and emotions during that time were valid and worth trying to help. Honestly, I've gotten to the point where I can't really blame her for that - I think my healing doesn't have to include her.
We'll never be best friends or have a relationship like all my dozens of friends have with their moms. And God knows there are still trials in the future that may wreak havoc on us again. But in the meantime, I'm surprised and thankful to finally, finally have that faintest sense of a "mother figure" in my life. I know I've needed it.
Thank you, Mom, for trying so hard. I can see it. Thank you for trying to amend your mistakes and thank you for valuing me enough to do so.
