Sissy51312
New Here
Hi, I suppose I have PTSD also. I have no idea. but now I am here and need some advice too...
I guess at the beginning, lol... in 04 I was suffering from a bout of severe depression, I had been in bed for 3 weeks straight and my children were suffering. I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with BPD, my mother was asked at that time if there was anything traumatic that had happened to me when I was a child. And she said that her second husband was choking me. I had no recollection of it. I also when I was about 5 started acting out sexually on my sibling and did for years.
As an adult, I now feel like a twisted sick person for doing that, in therapy after diagnosis for BPD, and loosing my children in process, I was determined to find out what else happened to me that made a 5 year old act out sexually, a 5 year old just doesn't know to do that do they without some one teaching them? Right? Well over the years I have asked several therapist and dr's to help me find out what happened to me and find out why I was so sick and twisted that I would ruin someone else's life that way. They always told me the same thing. "You are probably better off just knowing that something happened because the damage of knowing the details of the abuse could be worse on you" I know now what they were talking about...
Sunday May 13 2012, I had just left a family function at mothers, the day was wonderful, I had spent the day resting, eating and watching movies with my children. My siblings were there and I had started to get along with them after years of hate and bitterness, so I had a conversation with them, it was confusing, contradicting and I didnt like it, so I left, started thinking about somethings that they had said, wondering why they would say them I started crying and i had a flashback, a memory of what had happened, it was only a second, but I started crying harder, and harder, then while still in my car, I was in my drive way, I parked, I started screaming and screaming. My neighbors all came out and I was screaming help me, my friends came got me and took me inside and I told my best friend I REMEMBER I REMEMBER IT WASNT MY FAULT IM NOT THE CRAZY ONE... I sat down I was shaking uncontrollably and she told me to calm down and stop and to breathe. I did as I started breathing the memory details were gone. I am not sure what i was thinking was real, it had nothing to do with my sibling per se, but I am scared to speak the memory outloud for fear that it is not real... I am unsure if it is real or not.. Can anyone tell me if it could be.
I wanted this so long, I mean to know. and now that i have seen something, I dont want it. I want to go back to not knowing. I need lots of support I do not know how to deal with this I have been in my house since then not knowing how to deal with any of it.
Please I need some advice... I know this is a bit more than a introduction Im sorry but I am who I am and today this is who I am... Thanks for listening... (reading)
I guess at the beginning, lol... in 04 I was suffering from a bout of severe depression, I had been in bed for 3 weeks straight and my children were suffering. I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with BPD, my mother was asked at that time if there was anything traumatic that had happened to me when I was a child. And she said that her second husband was choking me. I had no recollection of it. I also when I was about 5 started acting out sexually on my sibling and did for years.
As an adult, I now feel like a twisted sick person for doing that, in therapy after diagnosis for BPD, and loosing my children in process, I was determined to find out what else happened to me that made a 5 year old act out sexually, a 5 year old just doesn't know to do that do they without some one teaching them? Right? Well over the years I have asked several therapist and dr's to help me find out what happened to me and find out why I was so sick and twisted that I would ruin someone else's life that way. They always told me the same thing. "You are probably better off just knowing that something happened because the damage of knowing the details of the abuse could be worse on you" I know now what they were talking about...
Sunday May 13 2012, I had just left a family function at mothers, the day was wonderful, I had spent the day resting, eating and watching movies with my children. My siblings were there and I had started to get along with them after years of hate and bitterness, so I had a conversation with them, it was confusing, contradicting and I didnt like it, so I left, started thinking about somethings that they had said, wondering why they would say them I started crying and i had a flashback, a memory of what had happened, it was only a second, but I started crying harder, and harder, then while still in my car, I was in my drive way, I parked, I started screaming and screaming. My neighbors all came out and I was screaming help me, my friends came got me and took me inside and I told my best friend I REMEMBER I REMEMBER IT WASNT MY FAULT IM NOT THE CRAZY ONE... I sat down I was shaking uncontrollably and she told me to calm down and stop and to breathe. I did as I started breathing the memory details were gone. I am not sure what i was thinking was real, it had nothing to do with my sibling per se, but I am scared to speak the memory outloud for fear that it is not real... I am unsure if it is real or not.. Can anyone tell me if it could be.
I wanted this so long, I mean to know. and now that i have seen something, I dont want it. I want to go back to not knowing. I need lots of support I do not know how to deal with this I have been in my house since then not knowing how to deal with any of it.
Please I need some advice... I know this is a bit more than a introduction Im sorry but I am who I am and today this is who I am... Thanks for listening... (reading)
