Mothers Partner Died Today, Feeling Like Shite

[blynn895]

I have not had a relationship with my mother-I call her my co-abuser because she must have been totally deaf & blind to not notice my ongoing sexual abuse, and witnessed a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse. She meets the criteria for a narcissist also, just to put our relationship in context.. everything was always on her terms, and she is the most judgemental perfectionistic person I've ever known.
She used to leave messages here for my daughter until last year when I wrote her a very clear letter stating I did not want any contact with her, indirect or direct. I would see her phone # on call display or get a letter for my daughter and start having a panic attack. She had her contact information so I have no idea why she used me as a go between. we live about 1200 miles apart now, so seeing her or running into her is not a problem.

So Saturday my cousin across the country felt the need to share the news with me that my mother's 2nd husband passed away from cancer (he was sick for 3+ years, a smoker and heavy alcoholic), at home with her (the nurse) taking care of him. At first I was upset, then felt just numb, like nothing.. no feelings of concern or sadness for either of them.. I would feel much more for any stranger that this happened to. I have no urge to contact her, but for some reason I feel really guilty about that..maybe I just feel badly that I DON'T feel anything or want to talk to her. I also can hear her voice in my head, putting me down for being a lousy uncaring daughter (I hate the voices in my head!).

Then Saturday nite my 21 year old daughter from above who is now in semi-therapy for her PTSD (abused by my first partner, her father), felt the need to express how abandoned she felt and how awful it was after we made her move out of the house when she was 15 (long story but she was on drugs and totally out of control, I was on the verge of a total mental breakdown, on my first stress leave). She cried and said she didn't "blame" me, but proceeded to tell me all the things I did wrong, all the traumas she had after we did that, & how "she" would have handled it much differently. We have talked about this manny times, I've explained myself over and over (I gave up my whole life and tried for years to get her help, she wasn't able/ready to get it), but she's still hurt and angry, feelings are coming up again. I ended it by saying I was sorry she was feeling this way, but I did my best, and thought it was better if we needed to talk about this, we should have an intermediary like her future trauma counsellor to help us. I then stuffed all my feelings completely and she left the next day.
today I felt totally depressed (no idea why til an hour ago), slept half the day, severe pain, anger at her and my mother, etc. Even thoughts of suicide, disappearing (come when I'm feeling overwhelmed and like a failure). I just feel so vulnerable lately, emotionally fragile, and this stuff did not help that..and no counselling this week so I'm trying to work it out on my own somehow.
I'm hoping someone else here has a crazy mother/abuser, or a kid who blames them for their problems and doesn't take any responsibility! not much to ask no? :)
thanks for listening to me ramble, I do feel better getting it out.
peace
Brenda

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Well, I don't have any children, but I can sort of relate this to what's going on with my mother's end. My grandmother is just... I don't even know. I guess she's a complete narcissist and my mother has told me so many awful things about things my grandmother would tell her (that my mother is the reason why my grandmother can't keep a husband - one of her husbands molested my mother and aunt, my mother contacted authorities) and my grandmother, to this day, is just totally out of her mind. She has never given a crap about any of her grandkids and often lashes out at the 6 of us because "we make her feel old". She still blames my mother and aunt for whatever goes on in her wacky head.

My mother was involved in 2 abusive marriages, the second of which was to my father. My father put her through absolute hell and all growing up I blamed her for standing by and just letting my father be a monster. I had so much anger and hurt that was directed at her for a while because she was the easier target, to put it bluntly. It was more difficult to confront my father, who only recently has admitted that he was a horrible father and a completely maniacal monster (which is still amazing for an abuser, I think). I have told my mother that I felt pain because I remember thinking when I was 9, 10, 11 years old that I wish she would leave my father and that I didn't want my father around anymore, but she would never leave him. And even when she did leave him, she forced us to continue contact with him, which I resented for the longest time.

I think the best thing she did, which really gave me some great perspective, was to just speak with my honestly. She didn't offer any apologies and didn't ask for any thanks while she told her version of the story. She basically told me that she grew up without a father in her life and that led her to dabble in drugs, be promiscuous, and to be involved with abusive men. She didn't want me to go down that same path and thought that the best thing she could do was to make sure I had a father figure. She also shared with me the incredible guilt she felt for my older brother (from her first marriage) not having his own father in his life and how she wanted him to have my father be his father because it pained her that he had no one. She emphasized how badly she needed male attention when she was young, and did the best she could to provide me with what her own mother failed to provide her. She told me that her mother said these awful things to her and she consciously wanted to make a change by giving me positive encouragement, more structure, be more involved in my life than she was in my mother's life, and to give me a single father figure. She said she absolutely did not want to subject me to a second, third, fourth husband who would end up molesting me like her mother's husband did to her and said that my entire life she always put me and my brothers before any man, but was torn when it came to the father. She said she did the best she knew how to do and that yes, she made mistakes, but that she believed that parents were stepping stones, providing lessons learned from their parents so that their children could become even better parents.

I hope that this might give you some level of comfort knowing that someone has walked in your shoes and that things are handled between you and your daughter. I can speak from your daughter's perspective when I say that it's hard to handle those emotions when you don't know the whole story, so maybe if she doesn't know your side of things, it would be good to bring it up with her and to speak frankly and in person, if possible. Anyway, good luck, be strong, and treat yourself to a bubble bath or something! <3

 

[blynn895]

thanks, my mother would never have that talk with me, and i've tried very hard on my end to reconcile and have some kind of relationship, but she is not willing to express any remorse, or even really believe me that it happened, thats why we are estranged (divorced I call it).
I love my daughter very much and we talk about everything, get along well, just this one area where she feels hurt and angry that needs to be resolved (hopefully counselling will help her with it, as I've tried my best to explain, apologize, etc.).