Other Mst Survivor-- Female Veteran

[AsheWoman]

I'm sorry but I totally despise the whole "suffering" category. Don't feel bad. These days I refuse to select a race or a gender on applications. I am a human being. I've spend some time in life being treated like an object or exploited for my race or gender. I do not believe those "statistics" have any bearing on who I am. I am what I am and that is all I am.

Sure, I've got problems. Everyone does. Mine may be slightly worse or slightly less than someone else's problems but sitting around measuring them has not served me well to date. I had a long terribly traumatic past and I'm doing what I can to thrive anyway now. I truly believe discussing the details repeatedly was a trap that did not serve me either. 50 some odd therapists who had no idea what I was really dealing with all had some great ideas and promised all kinds of miracles would happen if I just kept remaining willing to puke up my past for them to dissect... and I tried that for 20 years.

I'm not saying that it was completely fruitless because it got me to the point where I now understand better than ever that rehashing what happened over and over just turns me in to emotional hashbrowned potatoes. And I don't like being grated and fried on a hot skillet. :)

In the meantime, I do believe that those of us who have PTSD have the best opportunity to be of assistance to one another. Who else can understand what we go thru? So many people tell me "when will you finally realize you are safe now?" Frankly, that just makes me super angry. I want to yell back at them, "When will you finally realize no one is ever truly safe-- safety is an illusion that you still have and I've been relieved of. I can't get that blindness back now that I can see just because it would simplify your life if I was blind again."

So I look for inner peace knowing full well that outer peace may not happen for me. And the best way I know how to do that is to find people in similar situation and try to express support for them and share in their lives. Those of us who however brutally have been forced to shed the blinders and face that bad things happen usually without provocation or the ability to predict and sidestep them should stick together. In the meantime, while I have the greatest amount of empathy for PTSD "experiencers" (sorry I know that's hokey but I like it better than "sufferers") , I haven't got the energy left to feel much sympathy for those who still have their blinders on. Ignorance is bliss and they've still got it. Great for them. Meanwhile, I don't go around trying to tell them they should be freaking out. Ashewoman signing off.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((AsheWoman))))) <<< that is a hug.

Great job on your intro. Welcome to the forum. May you find strength, support, friendship, and wisdom here and in real life.

Keep reading, writing, and most of all, being gentle with yourself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I agree with Bloom. She gave some great advice!

Take care.

 

[circe47]

Great post, Ashe...

I can absolutely relate to the part where you say that people try to reassure you of your "safety", that it is impossible to truly feel safe now that the "blinders" are off.


I think that is the part of therapy that hangs me up...being told that I am safe. That it is almost expected of me to go back to the carefree, easy going person that I used to be before I stopped self medicating and took a good hard look at what I had been through, and what is going on in the world today. That I will NEVER go back to the way I used to be, nor would I want to.

I understand your point about hashing and rehashing the past. However, there are times, especially when something triggers, that it needs to be looked at and dealt with. I believe this is exposure therapy(?). I guess the concept is sort of like it is in dealing with addiction in that you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and when you've had enough, you are ready to take the next step by moving on.

For me, every trauma that I experienced cut something from me....like multiple deaths over the course of half a lifetime. For every one of these traumas, I have to go through the stages of grief- grief for loss. There are five stages and each stage takes time to move through. It is hard to make it through these stages when stuck in the first stage, which is denial. I think this is the part that hangs most people up, and why they have to keep rehashing the past.

Denial is very powerful in that it protects us from what we most don't want to see, which could be any number of things. For me, I was in denial for 40 years that my childhood was normal. I never connected any of the abuse I experienced as an adult, to the abuse I experienced as a child. That because I didn't and still don't feel that my mother truly loves me....I felt grateful that someone finally did...even if he was an abuser.

I think this what the rehashing is all about...talking and talking...until certain behavioral connections are made. For some, especially people who continue to become involved in domestically violent relationships, making these connections is critical so that old patterns stop being repeated...or heaven forbid, being repeated on our children when WE become parents.

I think it is great that you have made it to the step of acceptance, are thriving in the face of adversity, and want to help others....