@Sammyiam : hi Sammy, thanks for writing this post, it was kinda funny and sad at the same time. I promised to reply last night so here i am writing my view on it and also told you that there was nothing wrong with your post.
So here is my view on it:
My mother has loved me but the thing i regret is her not standing up to my abusers (i.e. her asshole siblings and my father) which will always be her downfall. However, she cares a lot for me would even give her life for me but sometimes there is this lack emotional connection between us but i suppose it is to do with how she grew up and where she was born and raised. So I am quite thankful for her but at times I do doubt her for letting them push her around and torturing me.
So now back to your question:
Although my mother has been there for me BUT I missed the exact love that you are missing but in my case it is from my Father. That man always favored by brother over me because of gender discrimination. My father would downgrade me all my life no matter how well i topped my exams, how well I wanted him to love me like he loved my brother. Hey, I did every possible thing to be accepted by this man but he always hurt me. There were high standards set for me always!!! No matter what i did this man was never happy with me but even if my brother just passed in school while i topped, I was never appreciated. Being a girl was a curse according to this man! He even strangled me when i was only 10 because I said something that pissed him off, instead of correcting me he chose to strangle me and he also tried forcing suicide on my mother.
One time he had an accident where he sprained his ankle real bad. I used to wash his foot with warm water with herbs in it so that this bastard would heal and I was only about 10-11 yrs old but again, I was not appreciated. Then my brother was overweight so my father would put his 110% to train my brother so he would lose weight but never cared for me when i was overweight, instead he humiliated me when I tried running on the treadmill saying "no matter what you do you will never lose that weight!". But he would train my brother, he would even prepare lemon water for him and prepare fresh juices for my brother. If i laughed at them training, this man called me "BITCH!!!". Do you know how much it hurts when your own father calls you a Bitch??
I was never good enough for this Son of a bitch yet i did everything in these 26 yrs of my life to please that moron so he would accept me just like my brother. I even forced myself to do masters degree although i was going through bad depression so that he would be happy with me and I would prove him wrong because he always labelled me dumb in comparison to my brother, simply because i was a slow learner and my brother was a street smart. BUT in the end I was the one who always topped at school, high school and now university. I had a bad mental break down last year, I was very suicidal last year because all my efforts in proving my father wrong and wanting acceptance from that moron failed. I felt I had nothing left to live anymore and I have achieved everything so there is nothing left to fight for, so I wanted to kill myself. BUT NOW I HATE THAT ASSHOLE MORON BASTARD father of mine. I don't care if he lives or dies. I won't shed a tear if dies tomorrow BUT if my mother dies I don't know what will happen to me because I love that woman and she is the reason i managed to finish my education even though I wanted to quit life and study long time.
I am not happy with myself because my first abuser was my father who always compared me to my brother, always labelled me being dumb despite how will i achieved and he told my mother that her daughter will be illiterate like her. I decided from the age of 8 to make him shut the f*ck up and now I have done it. I don't talk to him and i don't want to talk to him. He holds no respect in my eyes and will never be welcomed in my home or near my future kids because that man treated me like junk all my life. This is one of the reason why I don't trust men that much, why I hold so much respect for women because a woman made me who I am today and I am also a woman. All thanks to my asshole father, now I believe i will also have biased views towards men and if have a son in the future, I don't know if i will love him equally to my future daughter. I only want one child because I can't tolerate comparing the two and MEN are ASSHOLE with a BIG FAT A.
Sorry for the longest post. All I wanted to tell you is that no matter how hard you try pleasing your mother she will never understand you and it is about time you stop giving a f*ck about this mother of yours and focusing on your life. You have wasted enough time of your life and now it should be about you NOT about anyone else. I hope you didn't mind my longest post. All the best in healing.
