Mummy Guilt

[Shellbell]

Today I am struggling with my children a lot. I have therapy this evening and I always feel worse on the day and a few days after therapy.

My boys are beautiful, energetic, noisy, fun boys, but all those things that I love about them - are so difficult to deal with these days.

My husband has to work later than normal today as well, which isn't good timing, so he won't be home until just before I leave for the therapy appt. So no time to de-stress before leaving. I'll be leaving soon to go pick up my 10 year old from school and then the noise and energy levels will double. I have no family to help. My anxiety levels are soaring. Sucks.

I feel like such a bad Mother today.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are not a bad mother. You are feeling normal for what you are going through. I hate and loathe anxiety. It is a bad thing. Mabe you could put on a movie for them to watch before you have to go. Or some other quiet activity. It is hard to raise kids. It is a job that is 24/7. You do not get much of a break. You have to figure out how to get them to have some quiet time for you too. It is normal to need a break especially with ptsd.

You are a good mom. You are just having a hard time right now. I am wishing you the best.

 

[Shellbell]

Thanks Gizmo. It is a 24/7 job. I hate this anxiety too. Good advice to find more quiet activities, especially before I go to therapy. Thank you.

 

[Tanishq]

Hi Shellbell, how are things with you?

 

[Red Feather]

I totally relate Shellbell. Things used to be like that for me. My children don't live with me, so now when they come and visit I am able to focus only on them, without it becoming too much for me. Even if they come for longer periods I am able, which is a very big relief for me. I think it is because it is really easy to lose sight of your own needs when taking care of other people... and children can also make that worse, by getting used to a mother who hasn't been taking care of herself.

Nobody can take care of you... so the only way to handle the situation is by taking care of yourself and your needs, and communicate these needs to your children. If they don't understand, it is only because they are kids, and never got a chance to learn that. If you try to express to them, exactly what you expressed here in your first post, that might really help. Children like to get a chance to care about others and be respectable, it is only they can never learn it, if the parents are not the people who are willing to show them how, and set appropriate boundaries.

 

[JustBe]

I have therapy this evening and I always feel worse on the day and a few days after therapy.

My boys are beautiful, energetic, noisy, fun boys, but all those things that I love about them - are so difficult to deal with these days.

I too can relate. (((Hugs))) :hug:

Sometimes it seems that feelings are more real than reality. Our intellect tells us that our feelings are not true, but we still feel that way (am I making any sense?!).

 

[Tanishq]

It sounds shellbell is trying to love her kids unconditionally and with that she also needs to be taken care of.

:hug: to you shellbell.

 

[Shellbell]

Thanks Movin'On & Jaret, I do love my boys unconditionally. I struggle being a parent with chronic PTSD, but I have accepted how and when I struggle and have addressed these with appropriate assistance. And I do accept that it is okay that I am not super-mum every day. I have also accepted help. I am very blessed. :hug:

 

[Eleanor]

I do accept that it is okay that I am not super-mum every day.

Instructions on how to manage that please? I manage every so often, (accepting) but it feels like it is just an accident...

 

[Shellbell]

Hi Eleanor, I used to be a very busy Mum, looking after my 2 boys and providing family day care for up to 7 chidlren in total. I was very organized, very good at my job, and just kept going all day every day. My husband used to joke that I was Super Woman.

Then the PTSD started kicking in and every changed, I wasn't coping so well, so I decided to stop my family day care business. the PTSD progressively worsened and I got to the point where I couldn't cope even with my own 2 children. I had to arrange for my youngest to go to a day care centre 3 days a week, to help me cope. I felt overwhelming guilt taking him there.

I had a huge amount of guilt constantly (adding to my depression) for this and not being the 'perfect' Mum that I strived to be. I can't tolerate their noise and activity easily and I felt guilty asking them to be quiet and not run about.

My guilt started getting worse and worse, until someone on here said, it is okay when suffering PTSD, to accept that we can't be SuperMum. Sometimes, just being 'good enough' is okay. When my stress levels are too high, I do get them to watch DVD's. Something I would previously have not encouraged. But them being happy watching a DVD is better than me getting really irritable, or wanting to cry.

I tell myself every day when I get up that it is the PTSD that causes me not to cope so well and that it is okay not to be Super Mum. And that it is not forever.

 

[angel2write]

Instructions on how to manage that please? I manage every so often, (accepting) but it feels like it is just an accident...

I think part of it is realizing that you CANNOT do everything well. You can't meet all their needs, respond to all their questions, always get the balance of discipline right, blah blah blah.

It's just like any job: you never finish all the work. You never do everything. But you try to do the most important stuff at the time. You do what you can of the most important stuff, let the less important stuff slide, and pray that God will fill in any major gaps you missed.

I think it helped me a lot, too, when I realized that it wasn't my job to give my kids a perfect childhood. As long as that was my goal (to give them everything I never had and protect them from everything) it was an impossible task. Understanding my role as that of providing them with care and opportunities, which they choose to profit from or not, helps. They may grow up and really mess up their lives. I can't control that. The best I can do is try to live well in front of them and talk to them honestly.

 

[Shellbell]

That's good advice angeltowrite.

Accepting we don't have to give our children a perfect childhood is important. And, if children have a perfect life, they won't have the tools to deal with problems as adults.

My problem is I want to be everything my mother wasn't. My mother failed badly as a mother and caused and enabled a lot of damage, so my need to not be her is a massive driving force for me to be the opposite. But I know I am nothing like my mother, even now with the severe PTSD symptoms and not coping well.

I think being a parent to young, nosiy, active, fun loving children is really really hard with PTSD. We no doubt don't give ourselves enough credit each day for the good job we do.