Yes totally agree with @FridayJones & @Ragdoll Circus .
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My Actions Are Unlike Me
- Post starter Beelady
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- #14
Thank you for all of he replies. I really appreciate it.
My husband shot himself April, 2015. I had spent from April - November trying to deal. Drank too much however did work. I reached out to meet someone because I believed I was ready. My new guy (Tim) who I have spent these last 3 months is everything opposite of my husband. He is very sweet, a homebody. However he does have severe ptsd (hence homebody) and for some reason has not acknowledged my situation too much these past 2 months - other than really wanting to help me move on. Which has been very helpful.
My breakdown last monday was bad where I broke a promise Tim and I both made to each other. Neither one of us want to be with someone that drinks away from home without the other being there. Worry is a big thing for both of us. Since I was at my home I got lost in my own emotions and drank - with 2 close friends (that tim knows) that stopped in and saw what I was dealing with (security footage of my husband and I a few weeks before he shot himself - he had 7 cameras in our home to watch me) First time I looked at the footage. I just looked at a few pieces and it brought me to a very bad place. Just seeing where he died 3 weeks before it happened was weird. Seeing the house "normal" or before it happened. Seeing my emotions as he and I walked around (it was tense in the footage and I remember the day I watched very well) Seeing a disagreement we were having. I wish I handled monday differently and called Tim to let him know I was having a hard time - instead I ignored his calls and then lied to him about drinking. Very stupid really. Doesn't make sense :( Now he can't tell me he still loves me since I broke his trust. Today he asked me to leave his home. First time I have been at my home for the night in 3 months. It breaks my heart I hurt him. And he wanted me to leave. He may ask me to go get my items from his home tomorrow. Which REALLY hurts. The topper - it's my deceased husbands birthday today. (OOps it is already 3 am - I guess i should say yesterday)
I have ruined a 2nd chance with a great man. And now the whirlwind of dates start. Deceased husbands birthday, my fathers death anniversary, my birthday, our wedding anniversary and then 5 days later a year that my husband shot himself. I can not imagine not seeing Tim everyday, not having the future to look forward to with him. Really hating myself bad right now.
Tim tries to tell me that with his severe ptsd (he is 100% disabled because of it, he is a retired veteran) and depression he does not know if he will ever love me again because I hurt him so bad. And now he thinks he should give his ex a second chance because I hurt him worse. That just destroys me inside. He asked for space and I guess I am just venting here and wondering if anyone has insight of how to show Tim how much I love him.
My husband shot himself April, 2015. I had spent from April - November trying to deal. Drank too much however did work. I reached out to meet someone because I believed I was ready. My new guy (Tim) who I have spent these last 3 months is everything opposite of my husband. He is very sweet, a homebody. However he does have severe ptsd (hence homebody) and for some reason has not acknowledged my situation too much these past 2 months - other than really wanting to help me move on. Which has been very helpful.
My breakdown last monday was bad where I broke a promise Tim and I both made to each other. Neither one of us want to be with someone that drinks away from home without the other being there. Worry is a big thing for both of us. Since I was at my home I got lost in my own emotions and drank - with 2 close friends (that tim knows) that stopped in and saw what I was dealing with (security footage of my husband and I a few weeks before he shot himself - he had 7 cameras in our home to watch me) First time I looked at the footage. I just looked at a few pieces and it brought me to a very bad place. Just seeing where he died 3 weeks before it happened was weird. Seeing the house "normal" or before it happened. Seeing my emotions as he and I walked around (it was tense in the footage and I remember the day I watched very well) Seeing a disagreement we were having. I wish I handled monday differently and called Tim to let him know I was having a hard time - instead I ignored his calls and then lied to him about drinking. Very stupid really. Doesn't make sense :( Now he can't tell me he still loves me since I broke his trust. Today he asked me to leave his home. First time I have been at my home for the night in 3 months. It breaks my heart I hurt him. And he wanted me to leave. He may ask me to go get my items from his home tomorrow. Which REALLY hurts. The topper - it's my deceased husbands birthday today. (OOps it is already 3 am - I guess i should say yesterday)
I have ruined a 2nd chance with a great man. And now the whirlwind of dates start. Deceased husbands birthday, my fathers death anniversary, my birthday, our wedding anniversary and then 5 days later a year that my husband shot himself. I can not imagine not seeing Tim everyday, not having the future to look forward to with him. Really hating myself bad right now.
Tim tries to tell me that with his severe ptsd (he is 100% disabled because of it, he is a retired veteran) and depression he does not know if he will ever love me again because I hurt him so bad. And now he thinks he should give his ex a second chance because I hurt him worse. That just destroys me inside. He asked for space and I guess I am just venting here and wondering if anyone has insight of how to show Tim how much I love him.
- Post starter
- #15
I am definately not super human haha Ragdoll Circus :) however in the past 3 months with Tim I have gone from drinking 6-12+ beers a night to none. I have a glass of wine every week or 2. The cravings are gone, Im excercising. Im working. Im doing so good with him. I know it is soon after it happened, I do hate what my husband did to me for years - an emotional rollercoaster from hell. And even calling him my husband is weird because We actually married 5 days prior to his shooting himself. It was very messed up. We have been together a while and have a home together - just kept postponing marriage and was planning on marrying this summer. Then he had a major meltdown, begged me to run off to Vermont and get married then shot himself :(
Tim sounds like he is being (maybe unintentionally) emotionally abusive .... Threatening to go back to his ex because you lied about drinking during a very difficult time? Sounds very controlling, and sounds like he wants you to respect his PTSD and his issues without being to deal with your own. He does not sound like a great man at all.
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- #17
Casey_03 it hurts to hear that. I like him very much and want it to work so bad. He is so different than my husband in many ways however it did freak me out when he spent the day explaining how hurt he was and there are consequences. He said things my husband used to say - which really hurt. However I want to be there for him so badly and want him to know how much I love him. I know I messed up, really got me how bad he is taking it. He did try to get off his psych meds 2 weeks ago and he went back on them last week - I am wondering if that is why he is not able to tell me he loves me and needs time to think etc.
- Post starter
- #18
I have turned this thread into an introduction to myself and a request for help with problem I am having difficulty handling.
Positive stuff though is I did not drink tonight. And I even spent 6+ hours looking at the home security video footage of the 3 weeks prior to my husbands death. Plus it was his birthday. I am kinda proud of myself. Too bad I royally screwed up my new relationship though, huh?
Positive stuff though is I did not drink tonight. And I even spent 6+ hours looking at the home security video footage of the 3 weeks prior to my husbands death. Plus it was his birthday. I am kinda proud of myself. Too bad I royally screwed up my new relationship though, huh?
@Beelady I definitely don't want to hurt you by saying that, but I see red flags all over the place with Tim. (I was in a similar situation as you -- was in an abusive relationship that ended with major trauma, then I moved on to a new guy who seemed like the opposite, who seemed loving and great -- but in the end, he was also abusive, and he did the same things Tim is doing). So, I'm sorry but when I see you saying many of the same things I myself said years ago, I feel like I have to be honest with you about the red flags. It's really really alarming that you keep beating yourself up about "screwing up the new relationship." You made a minor mistake that Tim is turning into much more than it is. He is punishing you for having your own issues. He is not allowing you to deal with your own trauma and is instead making you feel guilty for having a normal reaction to things. That is the first sign of emotional abuse. It sounds like it's all about his needs and not yours. And the fact that you are playing right into it and you actually feel guilty -- that's called codependency. A codependent relationship will set you back years in your recovery. It may seem like a "great relationship" right now, but that's how abusive relationships always start out, that's how people get tricked into staying.
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- #20
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- #21
I don't know how to handle this. I need help if it is even possible. Tim has been emailing me today as he packs my things that have been at his home - he had given me closet space, drawers and even an office since I work from home - I have been living there for 3 months. I understand I lied and broke a promise. I hate that I did that and I am trying to understand why I was a jerk to him - I love him and did not want to hurt him ever. I want to continue our relationship and he is telling me he needs space, he doesnt love me he needs allof my items gone.
What sucks is yesterday was my deceased husbands birthday and I am coming up on all of the big anniversaries (wedding, my birthday, his death, my dads death, my brothers death). I hate being in my home away from Tim and have been working these last few months on turning my deceased husbands & I's home into just MY home as well as making it so that Tim will feel welcome when he comes in (love notes he has written, photos of us etc.) Trying to make new memories with Tim.
I get that Tim has severe PTSD, does anyone think there is a chance he will realize he does love me if I give him space? Its tormenting me inside. I messed up Monday and drove to his home after avoiding and denying I was drinking at my home. I feel like sh*t over it. Its not who I am and I never have done that in the past. Why did I do it to someone I love and want to build a loving relationship with? Am I hopeless? Is all of this hopeless?
What sucks is yesterday was my deceased husbands birthday and I am coming up on all of the big anniversaries (wedding, my birthday, his death, my dads death, my brothers death). I hate being in my home away from Tim and have been working these last few months on turning my deceased husbands & I's home into just MY home as well as making it so that Tim will feel welcome when he comes in (love notes he has written, photos of us etc.) Trying to make new memories with Tim.
I get that Tim has severe PTSD, does anyone think there is a chance he will realize he does love me if I give him space? Its tormenting me inside. I messed up Monday and drove to his home after avoiding and denying I was drinking at my home. I feel like sh*t over it. Its not who I am and I never have done that in the past. Why did I do it to someone I love and want to build a loving relationship with? Am I hopeless? Is all of this hopeless?
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- #22
Sideways
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@Beelady
It's actually a lot harder than it sounds, and not something we get right every time, but could you perhaps try, just try, and extend some of the same compassion and flexibility that you give to Tim to yourself as well?
You give Tim every excuse under the sun, from understanding that his trauma is a struggle for him, to even blaming his meds for him. Needing space is one thing, but I couldn't agree more with @Casey_03 - threatening to reunite with his ex because you (just like him) have trouble coping with your trauma history...sorry, but that's emotional abuse, which is not okay, even if it was unintentional and he suffers from ptsd.
And maybe, this time, it's forgiveable. But you're completely writing off your own value and basic needs as a human being by responding to that abuse with all this panicked flurry of activity that's designed to persuade him, "I can be perfect, I can be perfect...".
Spoiler alert, you're not perfect. And sure, Tim needs to be okay with that. But what's far more important right now, while you're recovering from own severe trauma (say it out loud: "I suffered severe trauma"), is you need to be okay with that. Not perfect, and that's okay. You are loveable with all your imperfections.
Unfortunately, there's no way around it. If you redirect all this energy away from the panicked "I can be perfect, I can be perfect..." and give yourself some space, you're actually going to have to deal with reality, which is 'something unimaginably awful happened to me, and it's hard to cope.' But if you don't, you got a whole lot more nasty ahead of you than happiness.
This forum is a truly remarkable example of the capacity we all have for compassion, and all the words that have been posted on this discussion come from a place of understanding, empathy, and optimism that you can recover. This behaviour is NOT who you are, but it's gonna hang around until you start taking care of yourself.
Hugs if you'll accept them - denial is one of my biggest battles as well:hug:
It's actually a lot harder than it sounds, and not something we get right every time, but could you perhaps try, just try, and extend some of the same compassion and flexibility that you give to Tim to yourself as well?
You give Tim every excuse under the sun, from understanding that his trauma is a struggle for him, to even blaming his meds for him. Needing space is one thing, but I couldn't agree more with @Casey_03 - threatening to reunite with his ex because you (just like him) have trouble coping with your trauma history...sorry, but that's emotional abuse, which is not okay, even if it was unintentional and he suffers from ptsd.
And maybe, this time, it's forgiveable. But you're completely writing off your own value and basic needs as a human being by responding to that abuse with all this panicked flurry of activity that's designed to persuade him, "I can be perfect, I can be perfect...".
Spoiler alert, you're not perfect. And sure, Tim needs to be okay with that. But what's far more important right now, while you're recovering from own severe trauma (say it out loud: "I suffered severe trauma"), is you need to be okay with that. Not perfect, and that's okay. You are loveable with all your imperfections.
Unfortunately, there's no way around it. If you redirect all this energy away from the panicked "I can be perfect, I can be perfect..." and give yourself some space, you're actually going to have to deal with reality, which is 'something unimaginably awful happened to me, and it's hard to cope.' But if you don't, you got a whole lot more nasty ahead of you than happiness.
This forum is a truly remarkable example of the capacity we all have for compassion, and all the words that have been posted on this discussion come from a place of understanding, empathy, and optimism that you can recover. This behaviour is NOT who you are, but it's gonna hang around until you start taking care of yourself.
Hugs if you'll accept them - denial is one of my biggest battles as well:hug:
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