Sexual Assault My Actions Led To One Of My Rapes

[recoveringfromptsd]

@JadesJewel I was very touched by your post, so much I hurt inside just because of the subject matter. I am still trying to unscramble the damage done to my mind by my abuse in 1977-1978, it's a long painful slow process, that I am only 3 sessions in already making great progress and discoveries about how the abuse changed me so I can learn what need to be done rebuild my core values and beliefs. Thru this process I have been on the virge of s/h for the last 2 and half weeks. But I use DBT skills to not act on my urges. I realize it has to work this way, in many ways I am feeling the pain I suppressed most of my life, and it's coming out. I spend a good part of most days right now tiery eyed, and try to stay distracted so as to give my brain a break on processing this stuff. It's like having a flashback that never ends, I am stuck between trauma time and the here and now. Most of the work with my abuse therapist is less about me talking about what happened, and my feelings, and more about how what happened relates to my behaviors and cognitions. In many ways it's like brain surgery but with therapy instead of a scalpel. I am having to break down the pieces so I can figure out how to replace what has been corrupted with healthy values, beliefs and behaviors. I know this will take years, and I am only about a month in and I am feeling the load. But I am working that part with my regular therapist. As to my abuse therapist I could not be seeing anyone better, my abuse therapist is part of the local rape/abuse recovery center, the same people that go to court with victims. So I have to just stick with it no matter how painful it is.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@JadesJewel I was very touched by your post, so much I hurt inside just b...

@recoveringfromptsd A very long, slow process as you shared, yes coming to terms with the truth of what all of us here on this site have in my case, against all odds. I utilized cognitive (talk) therapy for years (helped a bit); was in D.B.T. (tried it twice) and I could not benefit like you and many others can and have through this therapy treatment (mindfulness).

And then recently I sought out an EMDR Specialist and therein initiated EMDR Therapy and currently my flashbacks and triggers are less; and I too have a long way to go in this particular type of very difficult therapy because of so much violence and torture (trauma) events.

It so wonderful really, wonderful to have all these members come on this thread and try and help each other by courageously sharing our stories, knowledge, and experiences as we face our trauma/ptsd head on and grow in recovery. I love this site. (((hugs))) Message me anytime. JadesJewel

 

[FireSign8]

That's the same type of BS people have said to me in my past. It took me years to realize it was NOT my fault & every attack that has ever happened to me helped to shape my view of the world. My attackers were once victims too & they learned how to search out easy prey. I am no longer easy prey for the predators. I try to warn others when I see their lives are in danger & most just want to shoot the messenger. So, even at the age of 64, I am still learning how to live in a world of predatory animals who want me gone so they can go on eating the younger generation! I still will try to warn others that the enemy is all around us & these rapists & criminals are hungry & looking for weak & wounded animals.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

The best I have been able to resolve this in my head, is that my behaviors have consequences. I have to own my behavior, and only my behavior and its consequences.

The rape occurred many steps beyond my actions, so I can only be responsible for the initial conflict, beyond that I was defending myself from an assault, and the rape was another assault. So yes, my actions did lead to what happened, but it was not my choices, actions that resulted in the rape, it was the rapist.

 

[8888]

No matter what you did, you didn't deserve to be raped.