Sexual Assault My Actions Led To One Of My Rapes

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry for what you went through. :hug:

It's taken me this long to even talk about it.

You are doing an amazing job sharing about it. Your courage is inspiring.

 

[Gs172003]

No I would not blame them, I probably would not say anything, I don't think I could handle w...

Then why on Gods green earth are you blaming yourself for the exact same situation?

Not. Your. Fault.

Is. Not.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I see my abuse therapist at the local rape/abuse crisis/recovery center on tuesday. Since this is the prominent thing I am dealing with right now, I obviously am going to need to talk it out with her.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

You are doing an amazing job sharing about it. Your courage is inspiring.

I would never have been able to do it moreless even tolerate thinking about it without getting s/i and all that comes with that, had I not went to Sheppard Pratt's TDU and had some DBT before, during, and after that hospitalization. Both SP and DBT were life changing, and broke the shell that was keeping me stuck.

I can't say its any better feeling wise, in fact to some degree its worse, because before I just shut it off, and stuffed it. But what I learned was how to feel bad while having a chance to hold back any self-harm to cope with it, so that I can process it later instead of stuffing it.

THANKS EVERYONE, for the support. It helps, me get by until I can work thru this hard stuff.

 

[Friday]

The other kid lost a fight. He tried to beat you up and got a broken arm for his trouble. Instead of kicking your ass, you kicked his. That's fair. Then he came back again. None of that is on you.

If you'd been raping the little kids, or trading other kids to a pedophile for favors; had been torturing or trading kids to a sadist for favors; had killed someone, or been holding the other kid back &/or making them watch while someone they loved was raped/killed, etc. That's what I would consider straight up revenge. If the other kids ganged up on you to teach you a lesson, very eye for an eye. Which, would, IMO make shit complicated. And that shit happens. With kids and adults. That's not what happened.

He picked a fight. He lost. He came at you again. That ain't your fault. That's blame shifting.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Justmehere and @Justmehere and @Zoogal and anybody else I left out, I am going to be seeing my abuse counsellor tomorrow after DBT group. I will be bring this up then. I see my regular therapist the following day. I am going to have her see about PHP while I am going thru this therapy with the abuse counselor. This stuff is starting to overwhelm me and shutting me down.

 

[The Albatross]

It is coming out when it needs to come out... it is not to shut you down. The weight of it is a burden but it is not one you are obligated to carry... except in the sense that you linked the incidents together. I hope you'll bring that up to because whatever you did, rape is not an acceptable "punishment"... if it was, hun' you'ld have settled... but you didnt' (with good cause) and for a reason. (???)

 

[Justmehere]

I am going to have her see about PHP while I am going thru this therapy with the abuse counselor. This stuff is starting to overwhelm me and shutting me down.

It's really hard to face these things. I'm glad you plan to reach out to them for extra support. I did a PTSD inpatient intensive just to get extra support when working through some of my trauma history. I wish so much that I had the words that would make it easier. I can only say that it's worth it and it does get better. :hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I talked about this with my abuse therapist yesterday, it came down to this, I own my behavior and that only at the very beginning, not anything that followed after that, and certainly not the sexual assault.

 

[Justmehere]

Good work!!! I'm so glad you talked with your therapist and that she was able to explain that to you.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I don't know to reconcile this, in 1978 I was raped my a peer at a camp run by a group home...

@recoveringfromptsd This is very deeply personal subject matter for me as well for I too use to (past tense) believe that I *put myself* in sexual danger (rape). I no longer believe this to be the case - no, not at all. There is never any excuse or justifiable reason for anyone to lay hands upon me sexual or otherwise, without my consent. I do not care what I have said, done, etc. I cannot even bring myself to broach this subject on a private level not yet even to my therapist (we just initiated EMDR Therapy a short time ago), and yet, I will. I can't now, and I must - in order to heal from it. The pain is too raw even now. You with this post helped me remember past events that I need to bring up in therapy and deal with, so thank you for this particular post @recoveringfromptsd.

I strongly believe when I know better - I try and do better (so simplistic) yet I am on the road to recovery, and since I am - I will try to continue to hold myself accountable for things I say and do that hurt others and subsequently myself as well. I try and apologize when I believe I have hurt someone. I, however, never ever will take any responsibility whatsoever for the too numerous to countless acts of child sexual molestation, adult sexual rape, adult sexual molestation, and extreme sexual torture and sexual abuse. There is not, and this is only my fervent belief (you believe differently and I respect this @recoveringfromptsd ) one miniscule fragment nor microscopic scintilla or lawful justification or permutation on my having any iota of responsibility for having been raped.

Rape as you know is not about sex, it is strictly about control - and it is not about revenge (which we have our judicial system to seek out justice instead of revenge) and at times our justice system is broken and there definitely are miscarriages of justice. Had I in January 18, 1996 acted out my revenge for being raped, I would have been put to death by twelve members of my peers decades ago for seeking revenge against more than one person who sexually and violently and seemingly irrevocably has injured my body and mental core.

For myself only, just looked up the definition of rape: the unlawful sexual activity forcibly carried out, etc. Rape as you know is about the one committing the rape being totally out of control and unsuccessfully attempting to control. Causing someone's arm to be broken for me there is no permutation (arrangement of events) that could give unlawful justification (revenge) for someone to rape. Period. Even when my past drinking and drugging behavior had been abominable in my youth and adult past life again while drinking, drugging, etc. nothing I did ever gave anyone the right to lay hands on me sexually and/or otherwise. And I agree with @Justmehere two wrongs do not make a right. Rape vs. arm breakage. Apples and oranges precious one. I also ascribe to @Friday's quote: Never lay claim to the evil others do. I care and so many here who have responded with their stances, beliefs, and reasoning also do deeply care about you @Justmehere. Again, thank you for your post as I need to talk with EMDR Therapist next week about some of contents relating to me only, about this post. (((hugs))) and more (((hugs))) JadesJewel

 

[mama13]

You did not deserve violation or abuse. There is a way to be angry at people for their actions and rape is never one of them. Please continue to talk to your counselor and seek the help you need. Do not place blame and fault yourself for what happens. If someone pisses me off, yeah, okay, I hope karma will come looking for them; however, never would I take a piece of their soul away from them. What he did was wrong! It wasn't justified or warranted or payback. It. Was.Wrong.