I don't feel guilt for being raped but I do feel guilt for creating the situation that led to my rape.
It sounds like you've got good distinction, then.
I keep trying to tell myself that, but it's hard knowing it would never have happened if it were not for what I did.
Or maybe not?
Justifiable revenge is hard. Straight up. That shit gets complicated, and doesn't follow normal rules, IME. It's a lot easier when actions aren't commensurate. No idea from what you've written if what you're talking about is
actual justifiable revenge, or blameshifting.
Blameshifting, comparatively, is a lot easier. It tends to be about control. And you see it over and over and over again in a thousand different ways when people are victims. There are a lot of different motivations for it. My own is that if it's my fault I can fix it, and that's a fairly common one, but as I said there are a lot of different permutations, all along the same theme of control. Ditto, though,
tends to be about control doesn't mean it always is. Denial. Defense. Rationalizing. A whole lot of roads lead to Rome, here.
Blameshifting is far more common than true revenge. Most people blame themselves for shit that ain't their fault. As you haven't said what it is you did, (& no reason for you to / I'm not asking you to), no way for me to weigh in on that one. I'll give you the respect of believing that it may be straight up revenge as you say, until told otherwise. Like I said, though, that shit gets complicated.
The general way I reconcile the terrible things I've done is either by how necessary they were, or what I learned from them. Doesn't include everything. And I ain't got all my shit nailed down. But just speaking in a general sense, when I am to blame for shit, when I am responsible, what have I learned? Doesn't balance the scales when I was in the wrong. There is debt and blood debt, regret and remorse. And some shit is just hard to shoulder. But it's mine to shoulder. Which is pretty key. Never lay claim to the evils others do.
