Sexual Assault My Actions Led To One Of My Rapes

[recoveringfromptsd]

usually people blame themselves for promiscuous or drunken behavior

I have been there too about 3-4 years ago

 

[One step at a time]

this kid who is quite bulky (he could crush me like a bug) try to hit me with his fist. I picked up a board on the ground and blocked his attempt but in the process his arm hit the board and his arm was broken.

Someone tried to hurt you, and you tried to defend yourself.
It is his fault he tried to hurt you, it is his fault you had to defend yourself, and it is his fault he got hurt.
You did nothing wrong. You did not deserve negative consequences.
Even if you had done something wrong, rape is an act of violence. I agree that rape is never an appropriate consequence for wrongdoing.

Side note: for me, it is easier to believe that I was hurt because I deserved it (which lets me keep an internal locus of control) rather than believing I was hurt because somebody wanted to inflict harm (which implies they took my power away from me - external locus of control). It is normal to want to believe we did something to "deserve it."

I hope you find peace, whether from talking here or with your therapist. Sending support.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

What part of this is hard to tell your therapist?

Everything is hard to tell, I have to force myself, and I use grounding aids to not disassociate when doing it. But this may be a little harder because shame goes against my need to maintain a comfort zone where I feel safe, it is sort of a weaK spot in my so called mental armor.

 

[Gs172003]

I keep trying to tell myself that, but it's hard knowing it would never have happened if it...

What would you tell a friend in a similar situation?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

lets me keep an internal locus of control

Interesting that control is a big part of my hypervigilance, in any thing around me, I have an absolute need to have some hand in it so I can manipulate it to feel safe. Its part of my hypervigilance.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

What would you tell a friend in a similar situation?

I really don't know what I would tell a friend in a similar situation. I think it would be super triggering.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

The hardest part of all this is actually the therapy, to maintain my comfort zone would mean not talking and processing my abuse, so I have to force myself to do it, and if it were not for DBT distress tolerance I could not do it. As now I am constantly outside of my safe zone. And its very hard and distressing to feel that vulnerable that much.

All this stuff is coming to the surface and staying there.

 

[FauxLiz]

@recoveringfromptsd I know that is is hard to process this but is not an action of revenge it is one of power and control. Yes, events got out of control, you defended yourself and he broke his arm. Keep in mind that his aggression toward you is what lead to his broken arm. You were not responsible for that as it self-defense he was responsible. In this same way you are not responsible for his raping you. He again was trying to control you, to take away your power. Rape is not revenge, I really hope that you can talk this through with your T or someone you trust. It is hard to believe it wasn't revenge because it can make you feel powerless to have avoided/stopped it from happening. But understanding that it is not your fault and truly accepting it will help.

 

[Justmehere]

@Friday and @Ragdoll Circus Justifiable Rape is a term that is new to me, but I know that if that rape were to be considered for prosecution then that's exactly how it would have looked to everyone.

No it would have not. There isn't a legal defense to rape of "but she broke my arm."

I also don't think you were at fault for the broken arm, but even if you were - rape is rape. Two wrongs don't make a right. Rape is a crime and it's not an act of self defense. There is no such thing as justifiable rape in the legal system in the US. It's a term used by abusers to try to claim it's ok to rape, and it's wrong.

This was before I transitioned, at the EHS camp 2 staff members took a few of us clients to Virginia Beach, when we were the I heard the other kids saying they saw a body down by the pier. In retrospect the probably were playing around, but I did not no that, and things got out of control. I insisted the authorities be contacted, everyone said no, I would not let it go, and this kid who is quite bulky (he could crush me like a bug) try to hit me with his fist. I picked up a board on the ground and blocked his attempt but in the process his arm hit the board and his arm was broken.

Oh geez. I am so sorry this happened to you. How awful! You have such a good heart to want to get the authorities and frankly, it was an awful joke. You then protected you when none of the adults were doing their job well. I think you did the best damn job you could to protect people, including yourself.

Saying that you broke his arm is a cognitive distortion (and we all have cognitive distortions.) His arm didn't break because of your actions, his arm broke because he was trying to attack you.

It was breaking his arm he was getting revenge for.

Even if you had attacked him or done anything else to him, neither the legal system nor 99% of therapists would find you at fault for his decision to rape you or worthy of decades of self blame for what happened.

You know what should happen when a young person does things that might lead to an unsafe situation? Appropriate redirection, guidance, and if needed, consequences that keep the young person safe. Not being assaulted and later raped. Not from a peer or anyone else.

Camps, especially those run by group homes should be especially safe and kind and well monitored so peers are not raping to attacking each other.

Guilt fuels change and action, and is something we can let go of when we need to let go of it. Shame keeps us stuck and silent. You have nothing to be ashamed about, and the guilt you feel - use it to speak about what happened with your therapist. I think it's undeserved guilt, and that you deserve kudos for having a good heart and trying to survive a very difficult and awful situation the best you knew how.

 

[Gs172003]

I really don't know what I would tell a friend in a similar situation. I think it would be s...

Youre not getting my point. Would you blame them? Would you say...well..had you not went there so and so wouldn't have.. Fill in the blank

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Camps, especially those run by group homes should be especially safe and kind and well monitored

This i absolutely agree with, the entire time I was at EHS all I saw was abuse, from the very first day when I was held down on the ground for over 8 hours in the sun at their first camp, I required medical care for my back afterwards it was so torn up. This place did so much damage to my mind. Besides the physical abuse, the mental abuse left me alone, isolated, and feeling unworthy, on top of that besides the rape mentioned in this thread there were 2 others, one by a peer another by a staff member.

They eventually got shut down after public outcry following the murder of tammy agee who was under there care, the director got charged with felony neglect, but got a slap on the wrist and no jail time, no one was really held accountable for the $18 Million they got from various DSS agencies to essentially abuse all of us. My own sister was placed with them near the end of my time there, and she ran away and stayed that way until she came of age, but she told me recently that when she was there a staff member was having relations with her. She was 14 so that felony statutory rape.

Ever since I left there, its been terrible, and the result has been a lifetime of hospitals and suicide attempts.

It's taken me this long to even talk about it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Youre not getting my point. Would you blame them? Would you say...well..had you not went there so and s...

No I would not blame them, I probably would not say anything, I don't think I could handle what happened to another in that fashion.