My Angel

[ClarenceWillow]

I dont really know how to approach this not having PTSD myself and don't wish to come across insulting.

Recently my wonderful girlfriend and I separated. She is my anchor, my rock, everything I could wish for. However out of no where I could be broken up with in an instant, accused of being a cheat and dosloyal, all out of no where, it takes nothing to spur it on and over the past year it has become weekly and then daily to lead us to where we are now. 6 months or so into the relationship we found out together that she had PTSD from a past abusive relationship. I'd love to get my hands on the bastard. I have done all I can to support her through what we have both not quite understood until too late. The arguments have spurred out of control, the weekly break ups turned into daily, the insults and erratic behaviour got worse but never has my love dampened or faded in any way. I read some advice myself on quite a few sites that all said you should be patient, not take things personally and learn to be calm. The problem is, although I do not have PTSD myself I am very far from calm and find it very hard to not take very heavy threats and insults personally, basically I do no cope well under stress. Knowing this and knowing that my temper and attitude would only make her recovery worse I have had to end our relationship. My head has started to cave and if i am becoming ill myself how can i take care of my wonderful angel. I had to set her free to get the right help away from the stress of our ferotious but loving relationship. The thing is I don't want to lose her forever, her frantic behaviour can be destructive but also the sweetest thing, never have i met a soul so loving and sweet even through all she has suffered. I know I have to give her space to heal if i can't be a strong enough support without taking insult and things personally myself. What can I do to build myself up to being the best and most reliable person to support her through her PTSD once we have had some space to cool down the arguing. Any advice would be appreciated, mainly on how to not take things so personally and realise at the time it is just the PTSD talking?

 

[The Albatross]

The ability to be calm during a crisis or emotionally charged incident isn't intrinsic in PTSD... everybody needs to learn how to do it.\ as they do learning not to take things personally and learning how to deal with inordinate stress. It stems from a core sense of self worth/efficacy. I am sorry though Clarence that this has happened to you.

It is hard to choose and realize you have to sometimes save yourself instead of the person that you love.

 

[ClarenceWillow]

It's not so much saving myself, it's destructive to both of our health and especially her recovery to constantly be going through break ups and arguments so often. I just want to get advice on how to notice when its trauma causing certain reactions to things and how to help them calm down instead of rising to things she doesnt mean to say.

 

[EveHarrington]

How to notice when her reactions are due to trauma?

I think this is s dangerous path to go down as it ultimately absolves the PTSD sufferer of any responsibility.

Me, personally-------I hate it when my behavior is chalked up to PTSD, even when it greatly benefits me.

Also------it's impossible to determine a PTSD reaction from true intent 100%.

If you use the "it's just PTSD" excuse, I fear you will minimize her voice.

For example----

"It's just PTSD talking, you don't really want to break up with me"------leading to crossed boundaries, incorrect assumptions, and ultimately silencing her true voice.

 

[ClarenceWillow]

Thanks for your reply Eve. I do understand what you mean by that as she very often uses it as an excuse for outbursts of anger and irrational insults, and I do feel that if you can consciously use it as an excuse yourself that at those times it can't be chalked down to PTSD as you said. PTSD is just something very new to me and I don't know how to go the right way about helping her calm down during times where she is unintentionally pushing me away. It's extremely confusing as she pushes me away so hard like she really can't stand the sight of me and then even as soon as an hour later is the complete opposite and is pleading for me to stay. I've read a lot about people suffering from PTSD being quite "flighty" and when my fight or flight kicks in I am very much a fighter where she is the extreme opposite. Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions, it's mainly that flight instinct of pushing me away at the most crucial times that is the hardest thing to understand and how to react at those times and the best way to help calm someone down when you can realise it's not what they are meaning to say. I have triggered flashbacks by just making sudden movements and its devastating to see the impact that it causes and at that time didnt know that it was due to PTSD.