My anxiety has been at a very high level recently

[joeylittle]

I hear you, @juliana - and don't get me wrong, I 100% support your choice to stand your ground in this matter. I'm simply aware that you'll need some other way to relieve your anxiety, besides needing them to stop. It's really hard to exist in a state of constant anxiety.

You've mentioned a lot of good coping and management techniques that work well for you, and I hope you can continue to use those. I'd still encourage you to keep blocking phone numbers. Anything you're comfortable doing to limit your exposure will be helpful for you.

 

[shimmerz]

Sounds like you have been through a lot of terrifying things @juliana . You get to be exactly where you are. It sounds like you are still processing. It is good that you are in therapy, and that they are teaching you skills to manage how all these experiences impacted you. I am wondering, have you started a diary here? I ask because it is a good way to get out the story. And of course, you get to keep private whatever you want to.

I think sometimes I forget those days when the stories kept spinning and spinning. I am not sure if that is where you are at, but I can see it looks like you are struggling with trying to make sense of it all. I wish you peace through your healing.

 

[juliana]

Sounds like you have been through a lot of terrifying things @juliana . You get to be exactly where you are. It sounds like you are still processing. It is good that you are in therapy, and that they are teaching you skills to manage how all these experiences impacted you. I am wondering, have you started a diary here? I ask because it is a good way to get out the story. And of course, you get to keep private whatever you want to.

I think sometimes I forget those days when the stories kept spinning and spinning. I am not sure if that is where you are at, but I can see it looks like you are struggling with trying to make sense of it all. I wish you peace through your healing.

Yeah that was really teriffying. Oh thanks no I haven't started a dairy I will make sure to do that.

 

[Friday]

and people need to respect the boundaries I have

Out and about in normal life people use the same words with wildly different meanings than the ones we use talking about trauma. So I think there’s probably some miscommunication happening here.

For example?

My boundaries, your boundaries, aren’t anything to do with anyone else. They’re what WE have (and what WE DO… when they’re crossed).

They're not anything that anyone else has a say in.
They’re not anything that anyone else is responsible for.
They’re not anything that will CHANGE anyone else’s behavior, by virtue of existing.

It’s not “You will do XYZ.”

It’s “If someone does not do XYZ? Then I do ABC. Or 123.”

It’s not “You will not do XYZ”
It is “If someone does do XYZ? Then I do ABC. Or 123.”

For example…
- Someone crosses one of my boundaries.
- I ask them to stop (What I do)
- The keep not stopping.
- I’ve already asked them to stop. They haven’t stopped. So then I ______ (take out a restraining order & call the police every time they break it, or I cause a loud/embarrassing scene, or I physically assault them, or I break down into tears and begs on my knee for them to stop, I coyly seduce them, I paint myself yellow, etc.).

It doesn’t matter WHAT I do when someone crosses one of my boundaries. It could be healthy/unhealthy/smart/stupid/pointless. If they do this? Then I do that.

***

Same token? Or at least adjacent to boundaries are what we have & do, not what we make other people change with (that’s manipulation, persuasion, negotiation, etc.)

It’s totally reasonable to tell friends/allies our weaknesses & have them go to varying degrees to help minimize our weaknesses, whilst maximizing our strengths. .

But if we tell enemies our weaknesses? Like what triggers us? It’s just as reasonable to expect them to exploit those weaknesses, and use them as weapons against us… rather than bending over backwards to help us out.

The people in the abolish-group that have been harassing you, threatening you, attacking you? Are not your friends. They’re your enemies. They will use anything that they know -or suspect- will hurt you… TO hurt you. Especially when it’s consequence free for them, because it’s not illegal, like triggers & stressors. Don’t expect them to act like friends who are kind/gentle/honest with you. Expect them to act like enemies who will both break the law to hurt you, and whipped-cream-cherry-on-top delight when they can NOT break the law & get off Scott free to hurt you.

***
None of which means you’re wrong to have boundaries, take a stand, demand whatever level of treatment from anyone at any time. It’s simply also not reasonable to expect enemies to act like allies, or for having strong boundaries to change anyone else’s thoughts/feelings/behaviors.

 

[Movingforward10]

Totally agree with what Friday says.
They are people who watch someone being raped, don't intervene to stop or help, know someone murdered someone and don't do anything. So why on earth would they respect your wishes? They sound horrendous people with no moral compass or any compassion.

So maybe reframe it to: you doing something different is you protecting yourself.
Waiting for them to change is not going to give you any relief, as they won't.

 

[juliana]

Out and about in normal life people use the same words with wildly different meanings than the ones we use talking about trauma. So I think there’s probably some miscommunication happening here.

For example?

My boundaries, your boundaries, aren’t anything to do with anyone else. They’re what WE have (and what WE DO… when they’re crossed).

They're not anything that anyone else has a say in.
They’re not anything that anyone else is responsible for.
They’re not anything that will CHANGE anyone else’s behavior, by virtue of existing.

It’s not “You will do XYZ.”

It’s “If someone does not do XYZ? Then I do ABC. Or 123.”

It’s not “You will not do XYZ”
It is “If someone does do XYZ? Then I do ABC. Or 123.”

For example…
- Someone crosses one of my boundaries.
- I ask them to stop (What I do)
- The keep not stopping.
- I’ve already asked them to stop. They haven’t stopped. So then I ______ (take out a restraining order & call the police every time they break it, or I cause a loud/embarrassing scene, or I physically assault them, or I break down into tears and begs on my knee for them to stop, I coyly seduce them, I paint myself yellow, etc.).

It doesn’t matter WHAT I do when someone crosses one of my boundaries. It could be healthy/unhealthy/smart/stupid/pointless. If they do this? Then I do that.

***

Same token? Or at least adjacent to boundaries are what we have & do, not what we make other people change with (that’s manipulation, persuasion, negotiation, etc.)

It’s totally reasonable to tell friends/allies our weaknesses & have them go to varying degrees to help minimize our weaknesses, whilst maximizing our strengths. .

But if we tell enemies our weaknesses? Like what triggers us? It’s just as reasonable to expect them to exploit those weaknesses, and use them as weapons against us… rather than bending over backwards to help us out.

The people in the abolish-group that have been harassing you, threatening you, attacking you? Are not your friends. They’re your enemies. They will use anything that they know -or suspect- will hurt you… TO hurt you. Especially when it’s consequence free for them, because it’s not illegal, like triggers & stressors. Don’t expect them to act like friends who are kind/gentle/honest with you. Expect them to act like enemies who will both break the law to hurt you, and whipped-cream-cherry-on-top delight when they can NOT break the law & get off Scott free to hurt you.

***
None of which means you’re wrong to have boundaries, take a stand, demand whatever level of treatment from anyone at any time. It’s simply also not reasonable to expect enemies to act like allies, or for having strong boundaries to change anyone else’s thoughts/feelings/behaviors.

Thats very true @Friday there was some miscommunication. Yes I can't control other people I'm only allow to have my own boundaries and ways I act when people do not respect my boundaries. I can understand how someone that was mean already wouldn't care if something was triggering or upsetting to me and how it could be dangerous to tell them this is they were not friends. It dose put me in the position that now people that know my triggers and stress as well as don't like me they could find just the right buttons to push. I will try to keep those things more private to protect my self and have plan to address what is happening when someone is not respecting my boundaries.

 

[juliana]

Totally agree with what Friday says.
They are people who watch someone being raped, don't intervene to stop or help, know someone murdered someone and don't do anything. So why on earth would they respect your wishes? They sound horrendous people with no moral compass or any compassion.

So maybe reframe it to: you doing something different is you protecting yourself.
Waiting for them to change is not going to give you any relief, as they won't.

Yes I do need to protect myself!

 

[juliana]

I hear you, @juliana - and don't get me wrong, I 100% support your choice to stand your ground in this matter. I'm simply aware that you'll need some other way to relieve your anxiety, besides needing them to stop. It's really hard to exist in a state of constant anxiety.

You've mentioned a lot of good coping and management techniques that work well for you, and I hope you can continue to use those. I'd still encourage you to keep blocking phone numbers. Anything you're comfortable doing to limit your exposure will be helpful for you.

I get what you saying there that was kind of a miscommunication. I can't just let go of what happened and I don't plan on doing so in most of the the situations that resulted in where I am at currently. But I can totally cut ties with everyone that has been mean to me. Seattle Passific University and Seattle central college. With people that are for sure not a part of abolish the police I could be open to talking if it's like not upsetting to do that. I think I will feel alot better after cutting ties with people that have been mean to me all around.