My Attacker Is Dead.

[kirsten]

Hi all. I'm just going to launch in because I'm completely freaked out right now.

In 2001 a man I was interviewing for a feature broke into my place and tried to kill me. He was very drunk and didn't have a weapon, and I think that, along with a few other factors, are what saved my life. I moved towns as soon as he was in jail and the police had told me they'd fly me out for the trial. I was just too scared to stay. He had murdered a 17 year old in Cape Town before me, and there was a lot of really horrible gang violence in his life as well. When I interviewed him, he told me he'd left the gang and had started a new life. I would have done things differently if I hadn't believed that he was truly out of the gang.

The police 'lost' my statement repeatedly over the next year. Every time I phoned, there was no longer a file, so I'd write another statement and then they'd lose that, and so it went. So eventually I just gave up. I felt deeply guilty about having done so, and also fearful because I always wondered if I'd run into him somewhere. I should add that he didn't rape me. That made the recovery a lot easier.

In the past year, I had noticed I was no longer feeling traumatised and could even talk about the entire incident without dissociating, so I decided I'd finally put those interviews to use and write the feature. I pitched it, and the editor wants it, so I was researching and I found
a) Videos of him being interviewed on youtube. I watched them and it was traumatic to say the least. It was a shock.
b) Found out that he was put back in prison and had been murdered in his cell for 'having left the gang' which I know he never did, given the murder I know about and the attempt on my life.

The point is, he's dead. And that should be a good thing. I no longer have to worry about what I didn't do to get him off the streets. He's gone. And I know I can't ever run into him anywhere, so I'm not threatened anymore. So why do I feel I have been taken all the way back to 2001? I am completely retraumatised. The attack and the videos and the death have not left my mind for a second today. I feel as though he just attacked me yesterday. My heart feels sore, I am dissociated, I'm having weird kind of fear flashbacks or something. I locked my balcony door last night when I went to sleep for the first time since I moved in here. I was scared. I guess I am scared. I got scared of the beggar today who is always, always on the corner and who has never scared me in the least. What is this about? Why do I feel traumatised instead of relieved. His death has had a major impact on me but it doesn't feel like a positive one at all.

 

[Go Hungry]

So sorry for your pain. It could be a number of things. Going back through your research and watching those videos could have been building you up to a break without you knowing it, and then the news of his death was the final straw. I agree that it's good that you are no longer in danger from this guy, but sometimes 'losing' somebody so important in your life (because he had a great impact on your life, for good or ill) can trigger all kinds of emotions that you had previously come to deal with. It sort of puts you back in time.

It's big deal. I mean, just from reading your post he had managed to gain your trust, you behaved as if he was a normal person; then out of nowhere he tried to hurt you. That's double-damage, because he betrayed that trust in the most horrible way possible. You say that him not raping you was a good thing, and ofcourse it is, but holy shit. Attempted murder is as hardcore as it gets. Don't diminish the crime against you. You were not one of the lucky ones.

I had a friend whose abuser killed himself, and while that might have been a good thing in some respects, it threw her right back into the trauma from her childhood. It's not that abnormal. The good news is that she did get back on track after a while, though it still troubled her from time to time.

But the important thing to remember is, the way that you described yourself before you started researching it, that you were able to get around without feeling traumatized. That's who you really are. That's you. This is just some noise from the past, but it's not You. One of the hardest things to realize about myself is that I am not my trauma, it is not the thing which defines who I am.

You will get back to that state again, probably faster than you think. It'll take a while, and it will suck alot, but it will happen. :hug:

 

[WillyKat]

I'm sorry you're having your life invaded like this and thankful that you reached out here on the forum.

I can only make some educated guesses as to what's going on. First, his death disrupts a pattern. Whether you were aware of it everyday or not, there may have been a hypervigilant cycle going on way back in your head that kept watching out for him, or others like him. Second, his death means only that that one threat is gone, not all, and maybe that conflict is causing great confusion. You're trying to be relieved but part of your mind wants to remain hypervigilant. Third, and I'm not sure this is really different from the other two, you were reminded of the trauma in a significant way and that alone can be triggering.

My advice is to not worry about how you should feel. Maybe you should feel relieved but in reality there are other threats out there. Maybe your fear of the beggar is your mind's way of reminding you of that.

Get yourself into the present moment. Look to your safety. Remember to breathe.

 

[marylouise]

Trauma happens in our bodies, not our minds. You may know consciously that he's dead, but you've come into contact with him again by watching the video and finding out about his death. You've been triggered. I cannot emphasize enough that trauma happens for us physically, and not mentally.

Try to work with your traumatic responses in your body. Slow down your breath. Practice mindfulness. Whatever it is that allows you to engage with your present reality, do that.

Meanwhile, be kind to yourself during this time. Reach out for help to friends or family who may have supported you after your attack. Eat well. Get some fresh air. You'll get through this, as you did before. You've already come through this. You now need to reorient yourself to your present life.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

My attacker is soon to be dead as well and I feel a sense of joy about it, but the trauma has endured and it's gonna take a lot of work to move on and heal. Sorry I don't have any good advice to give you, I just wanted to say you're not alone and it's a great thing you're reaching out here in the forum cause as you can see, there's plenty of supportive and understanding people here who are willing to help.

I totally agree with @marylouise in that trauma lives in our body and that exactly is where the focus of our healing efforts should be. Releasing that charge and energy from our muscles and system is a must. In my experience, the rest of you follows and you can begin feeling stable and at peace again. Not saying I've successfully healed from my issues just yet, but I'm on the right path and so are you!

Best of luck in your journey.

 

[Pencil]

I think your reaction is perfectly normal.

 

[Mercy]

I am completely retraumatised. The attack and the videos and the death have not left my mind for a second today. I feel as though he just attacked me yesterday. My heart feels sore, I am dissociated, I'm having weird kind of fear flashbacks or something.

Dear Kirsten,
This may sound a little strange. I believe that some parts of us live in type of suspended time and it can be present in our own present time as well. This explains why it feels to you like it just happened. You feel completely retraumatised because you are. You have been through a very difficult time and you have healed a lot of your trauma. People say the trauma is imprinted in our brains and it comes back when a person is triggered byit. IMHO that is what is happening to you now. This would be a good time to get into therapy for a while. You will have a place to go and say to a person in the room with you what's happening. Hopefully, He or She can help you get back in your body again and learn how to handle this experience better.

Attempted murder is as hardcore as it gets. Don't diminish the crime against you. You were not one of the lucky ones.

I agree with Go Humgry. Attempted murder is a serious trauma. Any life threatening event is recorded in our brains and stored there. When we are triggered as you were, the past seems like it becomes the present.

My heart aches for you too.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You have been given great advice. When the dust settles, and it will with time and care, you will regain your power. And you will be able to say 'Justice was served'. Remember a hallmark feature of PTSD is avoiding reminders of our trauma. There is no way you could've been prepared for his demise. You're feeling flooded and I agree that a revisit with a good trauma therapist is in order. I am so happy for you that he has passed and can never hurt you.

 

[kirsten]

Thank you all so much for putting so much thought and thoughtfulness into your responses. You are all unbelievably insightful. It makes me realise how little work I've put into educating myself about PTSD. I've just let it happen and tried to get through it without getting the empowerment (read: knowledge) I really need to feel less lost. I did drop my therapist an email last night telling her what was up but at the time I thought I was going to wake up in the morning feeling fine, so I haven't really communicated the truth of the situation. I'll just call in the morning and make an earlier appointment. The time-suspension idea does give a better understanding of what we experience, doesn't it? I couldn't possibly understand the physics side of it but, in terms of my experience, it makes things far less of a puzzle. I thought I was cured. I guess that doesn't happen too often. The traumatic moments just get further away from each other.


As for mindfulness, I can't believe it didn't occur to me because I've spent the whole week researching secondary trauma and mindfulness. Duh.

Purge, your saying you have a sense of joy out of it is enlightening, because the thought of feeling happy about it generates a lot of guilt in me, which is ridiculous.

And of course, guilty for feeling messed up about the death as well.

 

[WillyKat]

PTSD is tricky, almost like its some kind of mythical trickster like Coyote or Loki. You think you have part of it mastered then get blindsided.

The guilt thing is because deep down, every baby born has a shot at being a decent humans being. It's sad that this guy wasn't raised well and turned violent. It's hard to disentangle feeling sad that this guy didn't get what he needed growing up from feeling guilty in your relief that he's not a threat anymore. I would take comfort in the fact that by going to police, you actually did your part. That gave him another chance to reform. It's not your fault if he didn't.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

Purge, your saying you have a sense of joy out of it is enlightening, because the thought of feeling happy about it generates a lot of guilt in me, which is ridiculous.

I can't say honestly that I feel pure joy about his imminent death tho. It's also mixed in with a lot of rage and anger that he never got to pay for what he did to me. Not that I know at least. He just grew older and it became his time to pass, but yeah, I feel angry that I never got my revenge.

I realize saying I wanted revenge and I wanted to see him suffer is not something one is "supposed" to say cause we are all so hung up on the notion that we should "forgive and forget" but at the same time I know I'm not alone in a PTSD forum, in wishing the worst on my attacker. It would be only fair.

So yeah, I don't feel ashamed for wishing ill on him. And if you @kirsten also feel that way or want to just laugh it up, while screaming "rot in hell!" and dancing, preferably on his grave, I for one wouldn't blame you one bit or judge you. That's what I feel like doing with my attacker too. I'm not saying it's something constructive to feel this way, but what can you do right? It's a normal reaction.

 

[WillyKat]

There's also the responsibility angle. Abusers and bad people, if you look at their lives, usually have lots of opportunities to do what we're all doing: get some help. But they typically don't, so there's no need for us to feel guilty for their irresponsibility.