Relationship My Beloved Girlfriend

[ace-sprinter-collin]

Hello all.
My name is Collin, and I'm new to the forum. In fact, I signed up just so that I could share my story, because I'm at a loss right now.

I have a great girlfriend. She is kind, funny, clever, she is beautiful, but she has been torn into pieces because of an abusive relationship she had in the past. Said relationship is what triggered her PTSD.

Not only does she have PTSD, she also has a condition that is similar to chronic fatigue, so it's even harder for her to cope with it. Three years ago, she quit contact with her ex, and she said she wanted to stay single for a short while. Despite what she said, she fell in love with me and just wanted to be with me.

It was going so well in the very beginning, and it still is going well... sort of.
Actually, not really. Her condition has worsened, despite feeling alright for a few years, and I have no idea what triggered her. All I can think of, is that I have really bad anxiety that came up out of nowhere, and I feared she'd leave me, which is what her ex had also.

I'm working on getting therapy and medication for my anxiety, and she will get therapy again, next to her medication, which is all quite fine and dandy. But I'm very unfamiliar with PTSD - I have no idea what it is. I research PTSD, and how to support a loved one that suffers from it, but it includes help that she is unable to recieve (such as physical things).

I love her so dearly, but Isometimes I'm a little careless with what I say, and now that her PTSD has become worse, she reacts very heavily to some things I say, even if I never meant it that way. I do realize that it's stupid and I should be more careful, and I really try to change it, but I'm so afraid of damaging her even more than she already is. I feel terrible when I upset her and it hurts me to see her that way - and if I could, I would've taken all her pain away from her, because she absolutely doesn't deserve any of this. She's such a great human being.

I always compare myself to her ex, which she says is unnecessary, but I can't help but fear that I am similar to her ex and the same thing will happen as three years ago, which I ABSOLUTELY don't want. She says that due to her condition, I'm one of the very few people that she still sees, and she doesn't want me to go. Not only because she wouldn't be able to fill the gap, but also because she really loves me (I think? My anxiety makes me unsure). My girlfriend does tell me that if I want to go, she isn't stopping me, so she isn't really pressuring me, I think.

But I have thought that maybe I should leave. I don't want to, I absolutely don't want to miss her, because I want a future with her and nobody else, but I fear for her health because its so fragile. I really don't want to damage her even further, because she deserves the entire world, but I'm just not a good enough person to give her good things... or at least, I think so. She disagrees with me and tells me that despite the similarities with her ex, I'm very different from her ex, but I'm just so insecure.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her, and she doesn't want me to leave, but I'm so afraid that I'll end up becoming abusive...

 

[Born to Run]

Welcome to the forum Collin.
With regard to your point of being unfamiliar with ptsd there is a lot of info on this site, and a forum dedicated to supporter relationships only. The latter is for partners of people with ptsd and could be very helpful to you. It is true that it is very difficult for people without ptsd to understand what ptsd is like. That is not your fault. It seems you are a very caring and sensitive person with a few insecurities yourself. You absolutely want the best for her and you are a good enough person. It is just that you are not going to be the one to take the ptsd away from her. That you should realize; now it seems to make you insecure, which is understandable as this is all new to you.
I think it is great you are both working on yourself and getting therapy. Chronic fatigue can be related to ptsd btw. Would it be an option to take a bit of distance, while working on yourselves, but still being supportive of each other? I am no relationship expert here as since I was diagnosed with ptsd never sought a relationship, because this combination would be too complicated for me.
I don't really get why you would fear to become abusive yourself? Your name is not Dutch as is your flag, otherwise regards from a fellow Dutchie living in Switzerland.

 

[ace-sprinter-collin]

I have already offered that maybe we should spend a bit of time apart, but she said that she wouldn't be able to keep up with that because she said she would miss me and my company too much. She already has a very dull life, and she told me that she doesn't want to lose me, also.
I know she loves me, but I wonder if she keeps me here to fill up a gap and not just because she wants to be with me for me. (Insecurities speaking, again.)

We already barely talk, though, because we're in a LDR and she can't come online much. We still communicate every day, but not as much as we used to. So in my opinion, we're already spending a lot of time apart.

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh wow, man. Okay, well first, welcome to the forums. There are tons of supporters of those with PTSD on here who will be happy to help you out. They've been through it, they know the drill, etc.

But I would say, right now. Stop comparing yourself to her former boyfriend. Don't do it. You're another person entirely, and doing that sort of thing is a bad move.

 

[ace-sprinter-collin]

Update: I have decided to back off for a while to give her some space to breathe. I'll let her come to me on her own accord, instead of me spamming her with messages, in order to save our relationship. Do you think this was a good idea?

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, definitely don't spam her. That's just annoying and kind of needy in itself. She's gotta decide for herself how things should proceed.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Have you checked out the supporter section @ace-sprinter-collin? They are a sanity saver for sure.