Undiagnosed My Bestfriend Almost Died In My Arms. Now That He Has Survived, I No Longer Exist To Him :(

[Jeanine Norris]

My bestfriend was within 10 mins from dying in my arms last June from a drug overdose (I don't do that kinda stuff so he hid it from me and I had no idea). With me and another friends help, we helped him and he lived. 2 and a half months later, he tries to hang himself and that's when I completely lost it.

Every single day I felt anxious, like if I wasn't there, that he would try to kill himself if I was at work. As time progressed, he got better and now in a happy relationship with another female (I, myself am a female). He didn't treat me the greatest. In a way like if I'd call, he would roll his eyes sort of deal...like fineeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I guesss I'll hang out with you like I'm annoying him. After some time, I realized after all I did for him. I felt I deserved to be treated better and appreciated for all the sacrifices I made to make sure I was there for my friend in need.

I might add, he has been homeless and I took him in and MANY occasions. He was intubated on life support for 12 days and he was only 24 at the time. It broke my heart to see him like that. You feel so helpless and so afraid. Anxiety and fear took over me. I thought for 7 days that he would die. No nurses gave any positive feedback and I work in a hospital myself, so if there was any type of good news. They will tell it. I was so scared.

Now that time has passed, he is much better which I'm super happy for, we had a falling out when I finally stood up for myself and made me out to be this psycho and crazy person. Like I magically woke up that day and thought that. His sister, mother of his child, a mutual friend of ours, my parents, my brother, my other bestfriend and another good friend all saw how he treated me. I was hoping after a couple of days or weeks, he would try to contact me to end it...its been 3 and a half months and I haven't seen or talked to him. Now, I just feel completely abandoned.

The one person in my life I'd do anything for, even die....wants nothing to do with me anymore. My heart, is completely torn. Words can't describe how it makes me feel. I never thought something that scary would happen to me, and so fast. I live a boring life. Then one day have it completely turned my life upside down.

I'm a mess. I feel so unwanted, unappreciated, devasted. After all that I have been threw at the hands of my friend trying to commit suicide, he ruined my life. I think about how I felt those 12 days every single day. I don't know who to turn to or talk to about this because its one of those things you have to experience in order to understand how it really feels. I've been told over and over by my family and friends to 'just get over it"...and it makes me even more sad. The way I felt, was horrible. and I still feel that way. I saved his life and now he hates me.

I miss my friend, I want to reach out...but he won't respond so whats the point. I need help to deal with this. i don't wanna kill myself or nothing, but I feel so low and so alone in this. I was the only one that's still around that was there when it happened, but they were there at the hospital. I'm just mad that he put me threw all of this mind f-ing, this was all his fault....and now that I finally stand up for myself, I'm the villain.

I'm a very nice and generous person and that's what got me there in the first place of us being friends. I would do anything for anyone, especially if it was their health. I'm kind and want nothing bad to happen to anyone, even if I hated you. I just don't know how to deal and move on.......its killing me inside.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi,
I hope you are able to seek professional help sooner rather than later.

One skill that comes to mind that may help you is "radical acceptance". You can search for it here on the forum to learn more about it.

It hurts to lose a friend. Unfortunately people often turn on us when we make any sort of change in our lives. It sounds like this guy took advantage of you, but when the gravy train ended, he turned on you as you were of no use to him anymore. (Read: he's a jerk!)

Welcome.

 

[ronin47]

To be totally honest it sounds like your relationship with him was never a healthy one in the first place. You're better off without him. I've had relationships like that where we were close for a long time because we ignored the bad things in our relationship but we finally reached a breaking point.

I know it's hard to see it right now, but I'm telling you that ending this relationship completely is for the best.

Feel free to PM me anytime you'd like

 

[nursenurse]

You obviously have very strong feelings for him, and I am so sorry. Part of caring and doing good things for other people is the acceptance that we may not get anything back, doing the "right" thing, as it were. Have you talked to anyone about this? I think you need something more than just a friend. Some professional counselling. I think your heart has been broken, and while the reality is you have to get over it, there are different ways of getting over it. I don't think he hates you, I think he is not able to return the same feelings you may have for him.

 

[Jeanine Norris]

I don't want to be with him...wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy past that point. We were straight up buds, nothing more. Just hurts that he was so depressed for so long and had no one. I would be the shoulder he cried on, etc. I felt bad because when I was growing up. My dad chose my step family over me and my brother and treated us like we were unwanted even tho we were under the age of 16.

I felt like I lived in a prison. What got me threw it, was my friend just listening to me on the phone...I wanted a friend to just save me and just tell me everything is gonna be ok and just try to cheer me up and make me know that in the end that in the end, everything is going to be ok. I didn't quite have that friend. so when stuff started happening to him, I chose to become that friend that I needed so badly to help me through my bad times. That's all, plain and simple.

People have a huge misunderstanding that I want to be with him or there "more to it" then what I'm saying. there isn't............have your bestfriend literally almost die in your arms and let me know, if they were the opposite sex or same, how you would react. Would it be different regardless of it? Think of the big picture here....penis or vagina don't make a difference in this situation.

 

[Jeanine Norris]

I don't want anything from him...he treated me saving his life, like I paid for an expensive meal...no big deal. He's selfish and I despise him for that. Always sees the bad in everything no matter how nice you try to make things. Its very hurtful. There's way more little blows that make this harder then what it seems like on here. I just feel used, betrayed, disappointed, sad as hell, like....so low. I saved him and I should feel like a hero, but I don't.

 

[nursenurse]

No, male or female do not make a difference here. You have every right to feel hurt and angry. I wonder about his indications to you about a relationship. Did he echo your feelings?

 

[Jeanine Norris]

We were bestfriend, hung out all the time. We cared about each other and well being. If my car ran out of gas, I'd call and he'd be right there....and I don't wanna date him and he don't wanna date me, bottom line. I'd laugh in his face if he told me he loved me lmfao. He's mister unemotional about everything..so it never was like that at all. Straight up friends, nothing more.

 

[Jeanine Norris]

I was the generous one, he was the taker in a way...he would help out here and there...nothing close to what I did, but I didn't care...as long as he tried. I appreciate the effort. but still wasn't fair to me in the end.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jeanine,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Wow, you really express your feelings well and that will go a long way in helping you to heal. You definitely tried to become what you needed a friend to be, but that doesn't necessarily mean that your friend saw you that way, nor does it mean that he was the friend that you truly needed.

Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? If so, are there parts of this experience that could have triggered something from your past? Just something that might be good to explore with a counselor.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[digger]

Sometimes people can't handle that much emotional investment in them from another person. I have walked away from several people who have cared about me when I probably 'shouldn't' have and it wasn't a fair thing to do to them. It is hard to second guess a person's motives for this kind of behaviour, sometimes they don't even know themselves why they do it or that they are doing it. I don't think it was ever a deliberate decision in my case.

Maybe it is do with you being a reminder for him on some level of what must have been a very shit time for him - not necessarily consciously, but it may trigger things in him that he wants to forget and he might not know how to express that to you, or he might not have figured it out.

You said he has a girlfriend now. Maybe it is something to do with that? I know I have lost male friends through the girlfriends not really getting the whole 'you CAN just be friends with someone of the opposite sex thing'!

I can understand why you are feeling hurt and upset about it all though.

Can I ask where PTSD comes into this - do you think you are suffering from it as a result of all this or is it something that he is affected by that you were supporting him with?

 

[digger]

I'm really aware that I'm replying to this more from being able to identify with what he has done, than what has been done to you, and I'm not sure if that is helpful or not, but I also wanted to add something else that occurred to me while I was out walking.

And this is from the point of view of someone who has killed themselves, or tried to kill themself at least and failed. Adjusting to life again when you have convinced yourself that you are dead is a pretty weird place to be. Obviously, I can't speak directly for him, but I know for me, I was not, and am not, the same person I was before I killed myself (there is a post on some of the effects it had on me in my diary if you think it would help to hear that - I don't know). I guess why I'm telling you this is because I would say it is probably a lot more about him and how he is adjusting to life again, than about anything you have or haven't done.

I think probably as well if you are suffering as a result of his suicide attempts, he probably needs you to take that somewhere else than to him, and I think the suggestions of therapy/counselling are good ones.

I hope this isn't coming across as defending him and invalidating how you feel - that's not my intention. I just thought it might help if you can see that there might be some kind of reasoning behind it, even if that reasoning is a little skewed.