My Body Feels Like A Prison

[Crow88]

I'm so overwhelmed right now with pain from flashbacks of being sexually abused.

Although I hate my abusers, I also hate myself and feel revolted by my body. I feel like my spirit is trapped in this disgusting body and is screaming to get out.

I actually think I was raped and molested because people saw me as a gullible, ugly girl. They must've had a good laugh at humiliating me and getting me to do revolting things. I'm surprised they didn't throw up after abusing me because I am so gross.

I'm almost out of meds which help calm me down when I want to harm myself like now. I see the doc in 2 days but am scared she wont prescribe the sleeping meds or the anxiety meds because I'm currently between psychiatrists.

Things are sooooooo horrible. I had strong urges to jump onto the rail tracks today.
If anyone can relate, some support would be really appreciated. xo

 

[Echo]

@Crow88 - I am also really struggling with flashbacks after rape and child abuse. It is exhausting and painful, as you say. And I know exactly what you mean about your body; I struggle with the same thing with mine. The one thing that stops me, on an intellectual level, is that I don't want to be an abuser, and that includes abusing myself and my own body. Our bodies are not gross at all, but what has been done to us has confused us so deeply that we think if people have done that to us, then we must be disgusting. The real, absolute truth is that what they did to us was disgusting. Please try to see it in that way. Don't let yourself finish the job they started, revolting people that they are/were.

As to the meds, I don't know, but my guess would be that you doc would continue to go with what your first psychiatrist prescribed, until she gets told something else by the next one. Do tell her how you feel. Maybe she can act on her own behalf anyway, since you are so upset.

Do you have a trauma therapist? I find this helps so much to stop me thinking in a distorted way. I really hope you have more than just the meds.

Keep talking to us anyway, and good luck for 2 days time. Please take care of yourself - do the opposite of what the abusers did to you. We will really miss you, if you don't. xx

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I'm surprised they didn't throw up after abusing me

They must've had a good laugh at humiliating me and getting me to do revolting things.

The very few times I've seen my older male sibling HE looks like he's about to throw up at the sight of me. He should. He's an idiot! :)

I personally believe the derelicts who gang raped me didn't humiliate me at all. Oh hell no. They humiliated themselves and are too stupid to understand the difference.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I actually think I was raped and molested because people saw me as a gullible, ugly girl. They must've had a good laugh at humiliating me and getting me to do revolting things.

Yeah I felt the same way after I was raped. Like it was a confirmation that I was nothing. Pathetic and ugly and like I was the lowest form of life that existed.

Luckily, I have a good therapist and supporting friends and family who show me that's not true. I am not worth any less than any other person in the world. What those monsters did to you (yes, I refuse to call them people) is not a representation of who you are, but of who they are. What they did is about the worst thing someone can do to another person. It is just terrible and inhuman to do such a horrible thing. And nobody deserves that. Not me, not you, not anyone (though sometimes I almost wish the same thing would happen to rapists, but I digress).

You did NOT deserve what happened to you. It doesn't make you any less of a person. You are a survivor and you deserve to be here and to be happy.

As for the meds, I'm sure you will get them if you are honest to your psychiatrist. If he/she makes a big deal out of it, refer to your previous doctor.

Hang in there, Crow88. If you ever feel the need to talk, you can always send me a message. I'll be glad to help :)

 

[Nonexistent]

Hey, @Crow88 ...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through all of this shit, you don't deserve this suffering...

Those people are f*ing sick, disgusting sickos. I can relate to your feelings very much.

And I want to help you, because I think I know how.

Now whenever similar feelings overwhelm me, I have found how to push them out of me, it takes practice, but keep persisting. This is a follow-through.

OK, listen:

These feelings that you're experiencing, are NOT YOURS, they're theirs.

You're still viewing yourself from their perspective, not your inner core.

Now try to dissociate from them by putting them where they belong.

It takes exercise, but bear with me...

1. FEEL (from your point of view), how they felt disgusted at you and how they hated you, feel those feelings coming from them.
2. At the same time, once you get more successful, you'll start feeling PAIN in yourself.
You'll feel immense pain and then enormous GRIEF. Don't be afraid.
You'll have to do that many times whenever feelings of disgust return until you get all of them out of you.
3. In the end, you'll start sometimes in increasing frequency having a feeling of INNER JOY and LOVE for yourself, but only when you are done with the pain part. You'll be born again.

I really hope that helps you. But it does help me, so I believe you can do it too.
Be strong and go forward.